Tuesday, June 30
If you don't understand this post, please see previous.
A few months ago I wrote on a piece of paper the stuff that happened to me in the past. My whole life story, all in that piece of paper. Everything ____ did to my family. I wrote it because there were simply too many things I went through and I wanted to keep track of all of it, to show whoever I wanted to seek help from.
When I went to see
that school counselor for help to put a stop to all of it, I told her of those things, and brought that paper along with me. She saw it and asked to keep it. I reluctantly agreed.
After she met me again to put me down about my behavior (See prev post), I asked her to return it to me.
She said she would return it some time later.
..
....
.......
She gave it to Mr Sit. My chem teacher.
Unsealed. Just that paper.
I repeat: My whole life story, all in that piece of paper. Everything ____ did to my family.
Private.
Unsealed - he saw it.
.....
Wow. What can I say?
I trusted her.
OK, maybe it was my fault! It's not a rule for a counselor to keep stuff to themselves right? They can spill out someone's personal matters for all they want, right? I should have known.
I was so very enraged. I think I cried.
What happened to sealing confidential documents in envelopes?
Why is she so insensitive, is this how a counselor should behave?
Why did I even think of getting my school to help me? Now so many people know of my situation, and no help is given to me at all. In fact, I'm given a talk about my past behavior by someone whom I trusted to help me.
Hasn't she fucked my life up enough? God, does she have to talk to EVERYONE and tell EVERYONE till she is content? I don't get how digging up my past will help me. I don't get how letting my teachers know about this will help me.
Don't get me wrong. I don't mind if Mr Sit knows about this.
But I only want him to know about this FROM ME, MYSELF.
If he asked me one day, tell me all about it. I would just tell him.
It's like this. If you get 100 marks for your exam, and everyone is telling someone about it, you won't mind, right? You'll feel superior and satisfied.
But personal private matters like this? About your family and your being abused? Would you want other people to tell others about it?
I don't get this whole thing about helping me.
They just want to fuck my life up, right?
BTW, I may have swine flu. The hospital I went to refused to check because I'm 17.
Labels: fuck my life
Friday, June 26
As some of my close friends may know, my family isn't exactly what you call normal. Whenever I tell an average person of my past, they will frown in dismay/disbelief, their face will scrunch up in disgust, they'll shake their heads, they'll cry out in agitation. Most people lead a carefree life, and most people don't get abused and they have loving, mentally stable parents.
However, lots of children don't have this privilege of having a happy childhood.
I consider myself strong. To be able to go through what I've been through and make it out okay.
Let me get straight to the point. Let's just say one of my parents has a disorder that is costing my family approximately $8400 a month. This fetish-disorder has been going on for ~10 years. Go calculate how much we have lost. Oh, wait, let me just tell you it's $1.008 million. I'll even skip the suffering, the abuse and the trauma my brother & I have been receiving from that family member. Because of this, I moved out.
And my stupid dad willingly pays for all this shit. I told my dad, stop it, it's your fucking money! My poor dad works day and night, he's old, very tired, and the money just goes POOF! And SHE can't even walk to a food centre just 3 minutes away to feed herself and expects him to come home from work to take her to lunch. He does everything for her. She does nothing, causes a billion times more harm than good. Yet, she abuses him, curses him to get struck by lightning.
I do not hate her - I can't. It's not her fault. It's her instability. My dad refuses to take her to the doctor to get her treated or divorce her. Says it'll affect her future - like she has one. OK, I understand love is a mysterious thing. But I can't accept it.
....
My school promised "Tell us of your problem. We'll help you!"
At first, I was extremely ashamed about my family.
But then I decided something had to be done about this. My friends told me to seek help as well.
I went to see the school counselor, and asked for help.
I said that I wanted her to help me put a stop to all this.
OK, she said, I'll contact the school to ask for permission to talk to your dad, then I'll talk to him and conduct a home visit. We should be able to get all of this done within a month.
Okay, I said.
Weeks later, she arranges an appointment with me. It's way past a month.
What she said:
"I have not contacted your father.
The school thinks that you should put this COMPLETELY out of your mind and concentrate on studying and establishing better relationships with your teachers and other students. I went to talk to your teachers and the level director and CCA and received negative feedback about you. You are rude to teachers and don't get along well with other students. There is something wrong with your attitude. You are only a MINOR, only a child. SO you have NO RIGHT to interfere with your parents' lives and decisions. You are not thinking the way a NORMAL 17 year teenager would think. There are other methods to solve this. Instead of worrying about the money, why don't you work hard and get a scholarship overseas, and then you don't need to see your parents? Anyways, its not like your parent's THAT unstable. I've seen worse cases. Who are you to interfere?"
...
....
Tell me. Is this how the school is helping me? Patronizing me? Acting like they know me and what I want?
My whole fucking family is TORN APART because of this. I don't get to see my brother and papa everyday anymore. The wastage of money is just a chunk of it.
Is it nice to go back to a home to be abused physically and emotionally, to get sworn at, to get beaten up, to make regular trips to the police station and report your very own parent? Is it nice to be only allowed to wash hair once/twice a week, bathe in ice cold water at 1am, eat dinner at 12am? Would you like to be beaten up the day before your biology end of year test? Beaten up when you're sick? Beaten up on your birthdays? Would you like to wake up in the middle of the night to find a cockroach scurryi
ng over your body? Would you like to sleep on a cockroach-ridden floor?
Fuck.
Should a counselor talk to me like this?
The school is trying to get me to FORGET and NOT CARE about what is happening to my parents? Oh, what right do I have to interfere with my OWN FAMILY?? Am I expected to study and socialize and leave it all behind? Do I leave this alone and let it solve by itself? Who are they to tell me to do that?
The first time I met the counselor, she said she'd help me, and arrange a home visit. After receiving negative feedback about me, she's gone back against her word and did not even call my father. OK, I can forgive that! BUT SHE SOUGHT ME OUT, AND LECTURED ME ABOUT MY RIGHTS TO CARE ABOUT MY OWN PARENTS AND CRITISIZED ME FOR MY PAST BEHAVIOUR!
Yes. Last year, I sent an abusive email to a member of my CCA. I think that I was very immature and stupid. I also was a bitch to my classmates. I also kept scoring demerit points and I wasn't on good temrs with many of my teachers. I spent 10 hours a day online and didn't want to talk to my friends. And I hate to say this, but sometimes I didn't bathe for days and I washed my hair once a week. But you know what? I REGRET ALL THIS.
You know what? Now, I work a little bit harder. I am nicer. I know I am more mature. I am anal about cleanliness. I don't even say fuck on a daily basis anymore. And I am definitely NOT friendless. Oh, and I have 85% less pimples.
Does anyone even know about how I worry about the future? My dad is 57 and is still working his ass off, DAY and NIGHT. Apart from that, he is like a maid to her. His health may fail any moment. What if he loses his job. We're not financially unstable now
, but what about the future. Family court says I can't do anything, only my dad can. I feel that life is very unfair to my dad and I want him to stand up for himself. But he's just a wimp.
I am wondering about the teachers the counselor talked to. There are some teachers whom I really really like. Did she talk to them? What did they say about me? Did they say bad stuff about me behind my back? I don't care if my level director/shirlene tieh bitch about me, cos they don't know me at all. But what about the teachers I genuinely like?
This experience has totally diminished my confidence in adults. And what little confidence I had in the school that once promised me they'd help me.
I'm very sorry for the grammar & spelling errors.
I'm very sorry if you read all this. If you did, don't bother treating me with sympathy, i hate that. Pretend you never read this and treat me normally.
OK, done ranting.
2 more months until I can style bangs.... :(
Labels: family
Wednesday, June 24
I went to the SPCA yesterday.
It was a very miserable and heartbreaking place.
I wanted to go there to buy some badges and t-shirts, but when Lu & I got there, we went to the pound (where they keep all the abandoned animals) first.
It was very hot & dirty & stinky, just like farms in a third world country!!
The cats were placed in tiny tiny cages.
Lots of meowing and barking.
Whole place smelled like crap.
All the animals looked very miserable.
Two cats kept meowing.
Really wanted to adopt them all!!
Then we went to the SPCA office just opposite, cos that's where they sell their stuff. While on our way, a family came out of their car with a dog. I immediately brightened up, exclaiming loudly "Oh! They're adopting it? =D"
The dude that was dragging the dog out of the car shot me a weird look.
No. They were coming to put it down (ie KILL) at the SPCA vet.
Together with two mice in a cage.
The dog was looking around, wondering where it was, peering at the pound opposite where there were many unwanted animals barking and meowing.
And in less than 24 hours, it was to be killed.
Killing 3 animals in one day, just cos they don't want to look after them anymore.
-Sigh- I'm glad Miao is caring for my turtle.
Then later, another family brought a cat in a box in, also to be killed.
The little girl was hugging her maid and crying.
Lu & I peered in the box and saw the cat. It looked ... scared.
That's 4 animals killed in over an hour.
On a weekday.
Why are people so irresponsible?
Anyway, a new MRT station has opened right beside the SPCA. It's on the yellow line, called Bartley. Go visit the SPCA, buy some stuff, help the animals.
Don't buy animals from pet shops. Adopt them, you get to save a life.
It costs $3000 to sponsor a kennel for a year. A kennel is a place where they keep an animal to be adopted. If you sponsor it, the animal will be kept there for a year waiting to be adopted. If not, it'll probably be put down in a week. When I grow up I'll sponsor 2-6 kennels a year!!
New drawing with PAINT TOOL SAI!! It's an awesome art program!
Sunday, June 21
OMG!! WTF!!! Out of my 11 homeworks, I only did 4!!!
I also bought 15 more copics, watched 18 episodes of 命中注定我爱你, watched more House, and watched 832472937492 movies.
DIE!!! DIEDIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!
I'm going to fail!!
OK anyway, yesterday there was this shit stuck in the toilet bowl.
I flushed the toiletbowl 3 times, and the piece of shit still clung onto it like superglue. I took the shower head and sprayed, the piece of shit stayed.
So I had no choice but to take the toilet scrub and I scrubbed it.
...
.....
NOTHING came off!!!!1
OK...
I wrapped my hand in 98201938201 layers of tissue and reached into the toilet bowl to, you know, rub it off. I closed my eyes and rubbed.
Then I threw the tissue in the toilet bowl and flushed, expecting the piece of shit to be gone.
IT WAS STILL THERE.
WTF, 我吃错了什么东西!?
Second try.
I wrapped my hand in 99999999999999999999 layers of tissue and rubbed the toilet bowl really hard. I didn't close my eyes.
100 calories gone... 200 calories gone....
And I flushed.
.
...
.....
The shit went away!!!
Have you ever met a shit so stubborn, sticking to the toilet like a leech?
Geez!!
Labels: fail, piece of shit
Saturday, June 13
I spent the whole day constructing my website.
Click to view!!
YAY!
Will be going on a homework marathon starting from NOW. Non stop homework for a week. Hopefully can finish everything. NO MORE SLACKING MUSHO!!!
NO MORE SLACKING!!!!!!!
DO YOUR HOMEWORK!@!!!
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