I am Musho / Xinni and I am an artist, designer and programmer. I'm a Singaporean living in California as a designer at Google. I blog about my art, music, shows, games, beauty stuff, school and a lot of personal events in my life. You will feel awkward reading this if you know me.

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featured art

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Likey

meow miau mew nyeow moew

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I have changed. Do not use these to judge me.

November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 January 2013 March 2013 May 2013 July 2013 August 2013 September 2013 December 2013 February 2014 March 2014 May 2014 June 2014 July 2014 August 2014 September 2014 October 2014 November 2014 December 2014 January 2015 February 2015 March 2015 April 2015 May 2015 July 2015 August 2015 September 2015 October 2015 November 2015 December 2015 January 2016 February 2016 March 2016 April 2016 May 2016 June 2016 July 2016 September 2016 October 2016 November 2016 December 2016 January 2017 May 2017 July 2017 August 2017 September 2017 October 2017 December 2017 January 2018 February 2018 March 2018 April 2018 May 2018 June 2018 July 2018 September 2018 January 2019 March 2019 January 2020

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NUS notes

useful stuff.

♣ ♣ Resources ♣ ♣
HERE are my semester's files in separate zipped folders.

✐ Handmade notes ✐
NM2101 notes
PH1102e notes
SJ's CS1231 summary
CS3240 notes

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quack

Math test tomorrow...Didn't know a THING about math and spotted Huisuan!!! Then I asked her jokingly hey can teach me how to draw y^2=f(x) graphs??? Then she said ok!! And she taught me. (but im still gonna fail)
I miss how she laughs at lame jokes and how nice she is.

I miss all my friends from last time. Can't I turn back time when I really liked to study? when there was no neopets and DS? When i didn't care about how I behaved? When I actually liked getting caught by the teacher doing something annoying like wearing my winniethepooh hairband?? There was never any conflict, not much anyway.

(The DS is damn addictive)

Then her japanese friend came!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So cute!!!!!!! She has two ponytails and curls!!! She reads the manga I read!!! I wanted to ask if she had an extra skirt that i can buy but I dunno how to say in japanese. Later HS taught me but I forgot again.

Oliver wasn't here today. She doesn't let me carry her.

I JUST SLEPT 15 HOURS

NUuuuuuuuuUuuu

i slept from 1am - 2pm
All I did was get up to eat lunch and ice cream

then at 5pm i sat on my bed and was about to reach out for my homework file when
i decided to plonk down and rest for a few seconds


..
and then it was 7pm.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I SUCKKKKKKKKKK
I CAN NEVER GET ANYTHING DONE

people i dislike
"When my mom first heard justin bieber on the radio, she was like "I thought justin was a boy's name... Oh, America!"
~Nez



I love you
There's a cat that hangs around my flat ♥
I named her Oliver jr (in memory of nanyang cat Oliver whom contracted mouth cancer after all the chips and chocolate we gave him).

She's a tabby and she's half kitten half cat. Will grow big very soon.

The first time I met Oliver she kept standing still for me to rub it but every time my hand was 0.00001mm away from it, she would run 2 metres away from me. It was damn irritating. I tried to bribe Oliver with cat food but guess what, she smelled it and walked away.
I was so pissed off with her!!!

Then I visited her the next day with my bro and surprisingly she kept rubbing our legs. And she let me stroke her. Her fur is damn damn amazingly soft. I feel peaceful and happy whenever I'm with her.

Yesterday I saw her at her usual place the third time. I meowed and you know what?!!! OLIVER MEOWED BACK!!! ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I felt damn happy pls. Then I went to play with Oliver. Oliver is a very random cat. She rolled over like 6 times before she finally settled down and let me stroke her. I love cats when they roll over, super duper cute @_@!!! Anyway she made my day really :) :) :)

I hope I can play with Oliver every day :) :) :) :) :) :) I love her so much!!! I'll take some pics and stare at her every day~!!!

And I wanna visit random flats to get to know all the cats there as well. Wish I had the time..

i hope you are happy
i hope that you are happy now that you've seen my my most intimate belongings. (Did you know that I deliberately covered them up, knowing that you'd try to look? Thanks for blowing that too.)

I also hope that you'll feel happier backstabbing me. I'm sure those people will benefit from the regular reports of my everyday life and that it makes you a better person to put down people.

this matter is indeed trivial. I am a senior - I should not have so much drama going on in my life. (Keep telling me that)

fun~~
I like it when during lectures we play tricks on the sleeping people by pasting postits (which contain funny drawings and msges) directly below their faces so that when they wake up, they see the post it and get a shock. We laugh till our stomachs hurt.

PE
Tracy: So are you having break now?
Me: No.. PE
Tracy: Then it's break lah!

I'm screwed lol. They found out I didn't go for PE.

Yay!!!!! Welcome back to my face C6H4(OH)COOH, HOCH2CO2H and C6H8O7!!!!
aka salicylic acid glycolic acid and citric acid ♥!!

my studies are really screwed now.
haven't completed a single assignment for computing and it's april soon.

My mum called up my form teacher a few times, but she didn't say anything ^^ I warned my form teacher wayyy before about her disturbance. And she promised to keep everything a secret!

I dont know why my class treats our form teacher that way but she is really nice. I like to talk to her because you know she cares and is truly sympathetic ^^

but w/e, it's not like i haven't seen my classmates treat a teacher badly before.

mum just called.

i told her im living with my (imaginary) friend who lives in aljunied with a sister and mum; dad overseas

she's gonna report me to the police

i can't wait to see this unfold.

Labels: family

I'M A FREE BITCH, BABY


not in gaga sense
i moved out today.

wish me luck, pretty please

furniture shopping

I am back on neopets
I miss the people
Best people I ever met
Everyone's getting lent suap
lol

Apparently they know about my life... @_@

***

Council elections. Class bench spammed with tidbits and stationery given to us by the students campaigning to be elected as councillors.

= Bribery.

Canteen food packaging plastered with stickers advertizing their campaign group logo.

= Waste of resources.

People going around pasting campaign stickers on the backs unsuspecting friends - forcing them to look like a total idiot and forcing them to advertise for them.

= Forceful slavery.


YET, NOT A SINGLE CAMPAIGN GROUP STATING WHY THEY WANT TO BE IN COUNCIL, AND WHAT THEY WANT TO DO TO IMPROVE THE SCHOOL.

Is this how our future leaders are going to be elected? Bribes? Ass kissing? Nicely designed posters? (ok sadly none of them are nice)

Advertising for the sake of advertising and wasting the environment's resources? Tell me, will you vote for someone just because you see a sticker of their campaign logo on your noodle bowl or on a person's back?

Of course I know all of you want to be in council to buff your portfolio, but can you at least make up some lies like "I'll convince Dr Hon to let us keep a cattery in the school"? You know, even if you don't do it, people already vote for you. Please, be cleverer.

Stop wasting resources, godammit!!!!

***

i am scared
i am scared
i am scared
i am scared
i am scared
i am scared
i am not looking forward.

***

puked two times today
am i really unhealthy
(yes)

Chemistry teacher singled me out
told me i never pay attention
...
i've been like that all my life.
a horrible student.

Labels: council, neopets

the ulcer is big and scary

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I DONT WANT TO HAVE HERPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

there was this red lump on my lip and i thought it was a pimple.
So I spammed pimple cream on my lip.

Then my bro told me it was an ulcer.

Lip ulcers.

HERPES.

I HAVE HERPES?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

***

Touched 3 cats today. Life rocks!!!!!!!!!!!

Labels: i have herpes

A good deed a day..OK I don't know if anyone knows about this but I regret killing ants when I was small so I try to make up for all my sins by doing good deeds every day.

A few days ago I was very anxious because I haven't done anything good.

Then as I was peeing n the toilet when I saw this upside down cockroach struggling.

Since I have lived a few years of my life having cockroaches scurrying over my body as I sleep...
I felt disgust at first.

For some reason my pee was damn long so I kept staring at the sad cockroach.

..

Anyway, as I was about to leave the toilet stall, I suddenly felt a surge of pity for the cockroach.

So I tore a bit of tissue and left it beside the roach for it to climb back up.

..
...

BAD IDEA.
It clung to the tissue and got back on all 298301 of its feet immediately.

THEN IT CHARGED AT ME IN GRATITUDE.

I unlocked the toilet door with great difficulty and ran away as fast as possible.

..

That's what i get for helping a cockroach.

http://www.dailychilli.com/news/2925-man-ate-boys-brain-to-cure-epilepsy

what the goddamn fuck man. i am so disgusted i dunno what to say.
feel like crying for the boy and girl. ugh..

http://zingzama.com/original/google-teaches-us-how-boys-girls-think-about-relationships/

Lol I find this so true.

music
I really like this chinese song 我以为 after watching my taiwan drama 下一站幸福.
Bleh.. cpop.


Other than that..... I love Fair!!
They are a really great band... I'd love to see them come to Singapore. Will surely go to their concert.

i miss
I miss the days when all my blog posts were filled with panda bag and complaints about pimples and periods.
And I can't wait to go back to it.

i can't sleep.
i can't work.

she keeps coming in and shouting and screaming vulgarities and curses at me. because i told her to leave us alone to do my computing assignment. she kept coming in to shout at my brother. It's like, every sentence will have one 'lanjiao' or 'chao cheebye'. it's very hard to ignore. i can stand alot of vulgarities, but never cheebye. i hate the word.

then she kicks my box (which i use as a makeshift table - how pathetic) and slamming my laptop down. Kick my box at me and hurting me indirectly. Wah, cannot beat me up directly have to use things to hit me now. whenever i put my "table" back, she kick again. I dunno why she has to do this. Can't do work coz she keeps upsetting my workspace. Can't sleep because she is in the room screaming at me.

Then another disgusting thing happened. I was gonna bathe when I saw my bloody used pad in front of the bathroom floor. I was like WTF?! I thought I put it in my trash bag. So I picked it up and threw it back in. Then later she shouted, where is the pad?! THen I'm like.. eh, the pad on the bathroom floor again? I dunno leh I thought I put in the bin already 0.0 it keeps appearing at the bathroom dunno why...

Then she's like WHY YOU TAKE IT AWAY? I USE IT TO CLEAN THE FLOOR.

....

I was like, what the fuck man. *facepalm* *facepalm* *facepalm*
Use my bloody pad to clean the floor?!

Then she said "Then clean what, papa's car? You use the pad so little. So little blood."

SO THIS IS WHY EVERY TIME I THROW AWAY MY PAD, IT LANDS UP IN SOME RANDOM PLACE ON THE FLOOR.

THIS IS.. SO HARD TO COMPREHEND. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? THIS IS DISGUSTING AND MAD! ALMOST ALL MY THRASH IS TAKEN OUT BY HER, INCLUDING MY USED PADS!!!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM GOING MAD MYSELF. REALLY REALLY MAD I FEEL LIKE CRYING AT THIS.. MADNESS. ARGH!! WAIT I DONT FEEL LIKE CRYING, I AM ACTUALLY CRYING.

School counselor from last year: Her condition is not that bad. I've seen worse.
OH REALLY? OH REALLY? OH REALLY? YOU THINK?

Labels: family

JANSEN; says:
 damn i shd go find the meaning of
 orgasmic
 i used it in my exams
 vocab
 cos
 NO CHOICE
 ! says:
 orgasmic.... means as awesome as an orgasm
 OMG
 WTF
JANSEN; says:
 duno whta other word to use
 LOL
 ! says:
 NOO
JANSEN; says:
 overwhelming
 ! says:
 what DID you USe it AS!
JANSEN; says:
 the word was overwhelming
 LOL
 i couldnt think of any other word
 LOL
 www.answers.com/osgamic
 ! says: tell me your whole sentence
JANSEN; says:
 no its the vocab
 eh fuck
 spelt wrong somemore
 ! says:
 oRgasmic
JANSEN; says:
 fuck it
 FUCK LA
 ! says:
 OI
 you use it in what
 tell me ur sentence
JANSEN; says: its the vocab section
 ! says:
 then
JANSEN; says:
 just replace the word
 ! says:
 you replace what word
JANSEN; says:
 with a word of ur choice
 ! says:
 ohh
 so
JANSEN; says:
 overwhelming
 -> orgasmic
 ! says:
 the word was orgasmic
 WAIT
JANSEN; says:
 but then i spelt it wrongly
 ! says:
 you  changed overwhelming to orgasmic
JANSEN; says:
 ya
 ! says:
 OMG
JANSEN; says:
 eh fuck it
 ! says:
 EPIC.
JANSEN; says:
 srsly
 if it was
 a CHANCE
 to get marks
 i dun mind
 but spelling it wrong
 ISNT A CHANCE
 ! says:
 osgasmic
JANSEN; says:
 DAMN IT
 ! says:
 JHAHAHHAHA
JANSEN; says:
 ORSGAMIC
 WTF
 ! says:
 PFTTTtt
JANSEN; says:
 I SPELT OSGAMIC
 THEN I WTF? LOOKS WRONG
 I ADD A R...
 FUCKKK
 WHAT WILL THE TCHER THINK OF ME
 FUCK
 ! says:
 HAHAHHAHA
JANSEN; says:
 -1 MARK AND BAD IMPRESSION
 SHIT LA

hi
1. Hi! I just woke up!!! Waking up at 4pm feels good but you've just wasted 10 hours of time that could have been put into studying. But it's the holidays so I shall procrastinate and watch finish my 下一站幸福 drama!! Despite having almost all my holidays all occupied.

2. I got 8/26 for my math test idk how. The answers I pulled out of my ass at the last minute got marked correct. What a joke.. Almost a full mark last year and always average or above average. I should study.... I should i should i should.

3. Currently i owe 5 assignments for computing. It's the subject I most don't get now. And again.

scared
She took the green tea pills and toner that my angel gave to me when she found out that I took things out of the house to store at my dad's office. Tried to take my mp3 away and I never felt so afraid before. My mp3 is the most precious thing to me as of now because I haven't backed up my music yet.

I'm trying to take out as many things as possible before they disappear.. And I am going to run away soon so I gotta prepare for it. Already made a list of things I'm going to take away before running.

Oh no I am so afraid.. what will she do? ._. Hunt me down in school? Call up my teachers and the principal for sure. I can never be ignored by teachers in schools. However hard I try.


..
I really don't know what to do now

Today I woke up to her shouting again. She said to my brother "When I die, I will haunt you. 我不会放过你们的!"
Cause my brother left his jacket in school.

Sounds like a joke but. see. even after death she will not let go of her grip on us.
Ghosts... do they even exist anymore? For about 10 years, I feared them. Now I think death is the ultimate end. I'd rather fear ghosts and be one after I die.

I don't want to leave my bro alone too.


OMG!!!!! DAMN PISSED WITH THE MOVIE!!!

What I loved:
-The CGI
-The cheshire cat!!!
-♥♥♥♥ The mad hatter ♥♥♥♥
-Red queen is COOL. i like her
-Jabberwocky  ♥

What I hated
-The white queen. Seriously, that slacky little hoe!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do you think the red queen hates you? I bet when you were both young, your parents liked you more coz you prettier and she had a bulbous head. Then you keep sucking up to your parents right? Of course they made you queen lah. Then of course the red queen bu shuang will try to take her rightful place.

Then you made alice do everything while you danced around in your shitty castle. OmG it'S aGinSt mY v0Ws to HaRm tHingS!! bullshit!

And you try to kill your sister's jabberwocky, if i'm your sister I'll be damn pissed off also! I will kill you!! No one harms my jabberwocky.

-Alice
No character development on her part. (maybe its because we came into the movie late)

I hated it that at the end of the movie, she went to china. WTF what kind of ending is that.

Why couldn't she be with the mad hatter, started a family, have several johnny depp babies?! WHY?!!!

-The storyline
..... is dumb. Everything so fast and random. And fake.


I always never pay attention to people talking around/to me. My mind only catches hold of some words.

Like:
Cheesy: .....it's very thick and long
Me: 0_0 what were you describing?!
Cheesy: ...his hair.

Like:
Teacher: *lecture* *lecture* *lecture* *lecture* *lecture* *lecture* legs *lecture* *lecture* *lecture* *lecture* *lecture*
Me: legs?! =D

Labels: family

www.mushopea.com
www.mushopea.com
www.mushopea.com
www.mushopea.com
www.mushopea.com

thinking of changing my msn to mushopea@mushopea.com
but lazy to re-add people.

I finally have a domain!! Too bad i have no time to beautify my site =(

I have an angel now!!!!!!! And I knew her for .. 2+ years already? She is from 09a10 which is .. different class but who ask my angel and mortal from my own senior class to ignore me?? And she is damn nice too!! Give me green tea, green tea pills and conc bee propolis+collagen+soluble pimple gel toner. YESSSSSSSS


Once i move out I'm just gonna make facial masks/toners with all my ingredients and we'll trade skincare products. how cool is that!

i = epic fail
Me: I just realised all cows were female.
Lu: ..wtf. (restrains self from saying something offensive)
Lu: This is crazy.
Lu: I'm trying to think of some equivalent to make you feel better .... like I didn't know blue was a colour or something.

*thinks for a few minutes*

Lu: oh my god! i can't think of anything.

:(

learnt a few new words from her ELL notes: moliebriety, fopdoodle, vaticide, fubsy, curtain-lecture
extinct words used in the 1800s or something.

split infinitives

i suffer from moliebriety.
lu and i are trying to change the meaning of moliebriety from 'condition of being a woman' to 'wanting to pee urgently'. help us spread the modified meaning of this word, please

i love learning new words. it's like.. granting your neopet a special ability or leveling up your pokemon.

WTF! FOR THE SECOND TIME, I WALKED INTO A BOY'S TOILET TODAY!!!!

I never wanted to write about this, but..

first time
I always thought girl toilets were at the right side.
so I went into the right side toilet.

Saw a boy peeing into an urinal.

though, wtf this don't look like a female toilet.

then he turned.

then i cried OH SHIT and ran out into the female toilet and i hid there for 5 minutes utterly traumatized.

luckily i dont think he recognizes me!!

second time
i thought female toilets were at the left side in block b
i went into the left side toilet
walked in.. toilet looked normal

until i walked into a row of urinals
thought wtf this dont look like a female toilet

ran out.

DAMN IT LA!! Can't they have a FIXED POSITION for our toilets????!?!! OMG I don't want to walk into a boy i know peeing. That will be.. so embarassing!!!!!!! i don't want to be a perv!

I'm sure i'm gonna walk into a male toilet again. damn, must learn to check before entering. so troublesome. in nanyang, all toilets either female/staff toilets. i loved the staff toilets.

today in the bus people were staring at me.
i was wondering what was going on.. but i continued to listen to my music on my mp3.

then i got out, met abigail and she's like OMG XINNI WHY YOU PLAYING YOUR MUSIC SO LOUD

I went "?" and realised my phone was ringing and playing 'hello seattle' because someone was calling me.

-dies-

I have this male classmate who is ToTALLy PuRE and NiCe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I asked him "Do you think evil thoughts?" and he looked at me and said "Huh? Evil?" like 'err what's evil? evil does not exist in my dictionary!'

then i asked his childhood friend who knew him since they were 8 and she confirmed that he was totally pure and has never done anything evil in his life.

wow i am so shocked. never met this kind of person before. feel so dirty next to him. better keep away from him, don want to pollute his pure mind.

-dies-

go ahead and judge me based on the things i did in the past.
the things i did a month ago. a year ago. 2 years ago. things that i regret.
bitch about me.

..you know i wouldn't like the me one month ago. i keep changing.

bla
Wore my bro's jacket to school today.

Came home, started to change, so I put my clothes on some random box lying around for the time being. Then she came in and complained, why you wear bro's jacket today? Why didn't you tell me? I washed it, I maintain it you know? You say you don't want go ACS what. Why you still wear? SAY SORRY!

I was pissed because she starts picking on me the moment i come in. So I said "Why should I?" I mean yeah why? It's my bro's jacket. He got a new one, he giving me this one. I already asked him and he said yes. OK, I admit, she washed it. But still, must I tell her what I wear out? This kind of thing also want to make a huge fuss?

Of course, this led to her shouting and hurling death curses at me for ten full minutes. Then my dad came, told her to shut up. Then they were in another room shouting and fighting. The of course she became damn mad at me and she pushed me down and threw my things.

Then she took my fluffy barney jacket away. And. She said, well you don't respect my things, you don't ask permission, I should treat your things the same too! And then she took my undergarments and wore one of them. The one I got from America!!!!!!!! T_T Sick. Sick man. Feel so ... raped.

My dad's 60. I just found out he has high blood pressure. Every day, without fail, she will say "Papa will die very soon." "Wait till papa die you won't be able to go to school anymore" etc. I can do nothing but watch this go into his ears. I wonder if he takes it to heart. I feel so heartbroken and sad that she can say such cruel things to him. I can only tell him don't listen to her, you're not gonna die okay, and you got us. She's crazy, do something about it please. And then my dad is like a slave to her (and me sometimes coz he's like the only parent who can properly take care of me..) and please, he works 2am - 4am, chauffeurs the family around and has to deal with her (and my) shit.

It's partly my fault. Why cant i just pretend to accept her warped ideas? Why cant I apologize when she demands it? Why do I have to talk back? Me lor me lor. Ego and cannot stand people not making sense. My bro has already learnt to accept it, why can't I? Maybe I'm just new to all this. I have to learn my lesson.

My friends are trying to help me file a protection order against her, but if i do it, i feel that i will be leaving my bro and dad behind. And if she knew about it, she'll be so muthafuckin pissed she'll probably come find me and kill me. Then I'll be living my life in fear just like always. With or without PPO, still will live in fear. I don't know anymore. Have to go consult an adult.

A few of my friends are very concerned about me. Unknowingly I will just rant to them. Then I'll find out I'm being whiny and I'll stop. You know, I don't want to cause them to be unhappy because I am unhappy.

One of my friends said she feels so guilty being happy because I am like this now. But god, the last thing I wanna do is affect the mood of my friends. So I try not to talk to them about it.

Last year, it was always me listening to people's problems. Now it's like I'm the problem friend. I am the friend whom my friends can't make use of. I'm the friend who relies on other people. I just don't want to be that kind of friend. I don't want to put down people's feelings or make them help me too much T_T

Anyway to those who talked to me, called me, helped me, thank you. I am grateful.

Lol anyways the class went to macritche for PE today. Then we saw four dogs.

Janice: OMG so cute
Me: OMG so cute
Janice: OMG I want to go over and pet them
Me: OMG lets......

Classmate: The dogs look delicious!

LOL.


I am so pissed off okay. I mean, yes I LOVE LOOKING AT LEGS AND AT LITTLE BOYS (from high school).

I like looking at legs because ........ i am awed at how some thighs can be same size as the bottom of the leg. And I like to stare at super skinny legs, for some reason they make me "0_0" (can't find words to describe). But no, when I look at them I have no intention of spreading them apart or doing whatever to them. I just look and go "0_0".

I like looking at little boys NOT because I want to jump them. It's because they remind me of animals. Little penguins. Little puppies. I love animals. Innocent, naive little creatures. What I once was. And they so short. Walk so funny like duck like that. Who don't want to look?

Then coz of this, people think i'm a creeper?!!!!!!!!!

And this idiot from my class shouted at my classmate (who was apparently doing chinups) that I was "turned on" by him!?!!! WTF?!!!! And I wasn't even looking at that classmate. Then people just laugh at me. Walao now I think he thinks I'm some pervert lah.

For some reason I cannot take this kind of joke. I want 100% of my rights to proclaim who I am attracted to!! I am not going to let anyone say it for me, OR fake it for me. So there~!! I dislike sexual jokes involving me and someone else! The end.


Walao I don't know why damn it the econs teacher always picks on me. Maybe coz my computer screen is facing her. Sometimes she'll be repeating the same things on the answer sheet so I just go check movie showtimes on the computer. Then she'll say damn loud "Xinni please look in front."

OK that is completely my fault since I chose to look at the computer.

BUT ONE TIME I WAS TOTALLY NOT USING THE COMPUTER BUT DOING WORK AND SHE SAID 'Xinni please look in front." WALAO!!!

And then a few of my classmates were so disrespectful, they actually blatantly turned the monitors of the computers away from the teacher and she doesn't give a fuck about them!

Why me!!!!!

HEHEHHEE OMG I ALMOST MASTERED IT
I can make the sound by poking my cheeks (with a pen/finger) most of the time.

I FINALLY BOUGHT A CANON SCANNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $20!!!!!! AND IT WORKS GREAT!

Of course I bought it secondhand lah, from some online guy. He was super nice. Walao why he so nice, i totally don't deserve it.

One week before I said "HI I want to buy your scanner"

Then according to his advertisement, he said "self collect at my place in pasir ris"

But I said, wah I can't travel so far.. are you going anywhere near town?

So for the next few days he was like travelling to newton/orchard etc and telling me when, but I all said I cannot make it. (Due to school/family problems..)

But he was still super nice about it.

Then one day he just came to near my house and delivered it to me. And I only paid him $20 for it.

Then afterwards still sms me say "First time deal with a girl, didn't expect it to be a pleasant experience : )" (He already has a son so he has no ulterior motives in saying this)

WALAO DAMN NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @_@ I feel so bad!!!!!!!!!!! I must draw lots of beautiful pics and make good use of the scanner.

I scanned some drawings I drew on my lecture notes.





Yes, I can still draw cute things even when I'm really depressed. I feel proud of that.


Yeah I'm trying to include some happier things in my posts from now on..

Labels: art, family

a recount of half of what has been happening the past few days
start from the start.

night 0
You know I can't stand trash. Sometimes you'll see me picking up rubbish on the streets and binning them, and sometimes you'll see me clearing food trays from random tables. I can't understand how people can leave something so ugly on places they don't belong to. I try to keep my surroundings as clean and pretty as possible because.... clean and pretty places make me happier. lol

I throw my thrash into my plasticbag-bin, and in the night, she rummages through it and takes random garbage out and puts them at random places in the house.

So one day, I took them all back and threw them back into my bin, waited for her to leave the house and dumped all the rubbish into the huge trash can outside the house. Just to take out the garbage, I have to waste so much time and energy.

day 1 - before school
The next morning, I was going to school when she asked where the trash bag was (having failed to locate it).
I said, I threw it away of course. She said where. I said, I dunno. She asked 10 more times and I gave her the same answer.
Of course she started hurling vulgarities at me once again, saying i bought my things (food wrappers and broken hair bands?) with the family money so I have to tell her when I throw them away.

And then I got beaten up and scratched in the face. Got my school bag emptied. House keys confiscated. Had to clear myself and my bag up. Went to school looking normal (i hope). Took math lecture test, calculated max marks i could get (2/26) and was at the verge of breaking down.

While I was at school, she went to the guy who collects the trash and went to search the whole neighbourhood's trash JUST TO FIND MY TRASH BAG. And she took it back into the house.

I take out my trash, get beaten up, just to see it back in the house again. THIS IS MADNESS.
What's in my trash? Tissues, empty famous amos cookie bag, broken hairtie, etc. And she took it all back into the house.

Day 1 - after school (10pm)
When I came back from school, I couldn't get in because she took my keys. I banged the gate hard, I called my dad and my bro and her, please open the door, but no one answered the phone. So I climbed over the gate. Then I slid open the (apparently locked) glass door and it opened. (it's spoilt). Yeah, so I conveniently broke into my house because its security system sucks.

When I got home, she questioned me how I got in so I showed her. Of course, she flared up and started to take all my things away. She accused me of "spoiling the lock" which is bullshit because it was already spoilt.

She told me to say sorry so I said "Well, I'm sorry that our house is like this, so easily broken into!" 

And then she said that I was so jian (cheap). "I see your phone, you say sorry so many times just for a few CENTS. You are so cheap." Apparently, some of our customers didnt receive their charms so on behalf of the business i was apologising to them.

So I said "Yah, it's for our business what! They're our customers!"

"Business? You go to school for what? You are NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY BUSINESS YOU UNDERSTAND? You are supposed to be studying! (likeIcan) How much you earn a month huh? You so rich, you go pay your own school fees!"

***

Then she saw how I didn't hang up my uniform and got angry at that too. Asked me to hang them and I said later because I was busy. (I don't see what's wrong with folding your uniform -  why do i have to hang them? it's so troublesome to unhang them in the morning.)

She started screaming WHAT SCHOOL RULE IS THIS, DON'T LET YOU HANG UNIFORM? I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FORM TEACHER HOW YOU NEVER HANG YOUR CLOTHES. WHICH CHEEBYE(=vagina) CHILD DOESN'T HANG HER CLOTHES YOU TELL ME.
(notice how she can make up so much crap just by seeing my uniform unhung.)

Then she hit me a few times. Slapped me across my cheek with my school blouse.

My bro said "Mummy, stop beating jiejie.."
Then she hit me really hard across my back, and said "I where got beat her? You want me to beat her, I hit her for you." Hit again.

***

And then she saw my cosmetics (NOT makeup - skincare products like pimple cream) and said WHY DO YOU NEED THESE? and she took them, and said YOU'RE JUST A STUDENT DON'T NEED ALL THESE. I'LL KEEP THEM AND RETURN THEM TO YOU WHEN YOU GO TO WORK. And then she also took my tissue box away.

I said "Why do you have to do this? What did they(cosmetics) do to you? Why do you have to take them away from me?"

She said "IT'S BECAUSE OF ALL THESE EVERYDAY YOU WAKE UP EARLY DISTURB THE FAMILY. AND YOU WASTE 2 HOURS ON THESE EVERYDAY"
(The above is complete bullshit. I hate pimples more than anything in the world, but if you honestly think i spend 2 hours a day applying pimple cream on them, you have issues just like her.)

I said "..What? I don't even use these in the morning! Even if you take them away I will still wake up at 6am in the morning! At most, i spend 5 minutes on these every day!"

***

And I can't rmb what happened but she told me "You're just a guest in the house, if you can't follow the rules, why don't you get out of the house now?"
Then I said "Then why don't you let me stay at janice's house?"
And while hitting me, she shouted "是谁生你的？妈妈还是janice的妈妈？You are NOT to stay with anyone you hear me? How can janice's mother tolerate you anyway? Look at all your habits. Who want to live with you? I want to see janice and her mother at the POLICE STATION! Ask them meet me there! (???)"

(My habits being turning on the aircon for the night because its 33degrees in here, throwing away my trash, using a blanket and other things normal people do.)

***

Then my dad came.

I felt so.. frustrated. So I shouted at him (in tears) "Papa CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE? Why do you always stand there watching? Can't you help me for once? Every day you see this happen, you see her shouting and beating me, I can't even study! Look at me now, I'm going to fail my math exam and it's still happening. Im gonna fail the year like this! Look at my things over here. They didnt do anything to her but she wants to take away everything!"

She screamed "I DID NOT! I JUST ASK YOU TO HANG YOUR CLOTHES. I am trying to DISCIPLINE you and teach you not to be so IRREGULAR! Papa, 她是我的孩子，我在教她，你不要插手！You just do whatever she says, you're like her SLAVE. That's why she's like that now." While this was happening she was hitting me repeatedly.

So I started screaming in pain and my dad came and tried to pull her away. She grabbed hold of my hair and yanked it damn hard. (lucky i use sunsilk anti hairfall shampoo so only about 20 hairs came out.) Then for like a whole minute, my hair was being pulled and my dad was trying to ask her to let go of me. So.. my head hurts alot now. (She lifted me off the ground before just with my hair. that's how hard she pulls it.)

***

Finally she let go and I started crying alot cuz it hurt so damn much. Then I came to my senses, grabbed my phone and dialed 999.

Police: Hello how may i help you?
Me: I.. i dunno. -unable to speak- -lets police hear parents fighting and screaming in the background-
Police: Calm down. May I know your address?
Me: I .. I don't know my address. I don't know. I'm in Bt timah. I -

And then my mother saw me and grabbed the phone and cut the call.
I screamed - and that was the last thing the policeman heard.
(Like this, my phone was taken away.)

the police.. they suck. they don't care. they never tried to call back or locate me. what if i was gonna be raped or killed? wonder how the police in my country work.

***

And then my dad said "Xinni, pack up and go. Go out of the house now."

And my mum said "What about me? I need my dinner. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE, LET ME HAVE MY DINNER FIRST. AFTER THAT I WANT TO GO SEE DOCTOR. SEE MY ARM? SEE HOW PAPA BEAT ME? YOU STILL DARE CALL POLICE? I AM THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE CALLING THE POLICE. TAKE ME TO THE POLICE STATION."

(My dad beat her? Hell, he was trying to stop her from beating me. Look at how she exaggerates everything. More on that later - it's near hilarious if it wasn't so serious.)

Whatever. So my dad took her out for dinner while I showered and packed up some things to leave. I didn't know what was gonna happen and where I would go. A friend of mine even gave me the address of a children's home/orphanage and I felt so damn, damn pathetic then. Like how did I come to this. How can a hwachong student go to an orphanage.

***

When my dad came back, I went with him to work. (He works in a non descript tunnel late at night like 2am - 4am). At first, my dad wanted to bring my uniform but she came and took them away. Then she searched my bags and took alot of things out. But I managed to take some of my things out and I took them to the car and locked it.

Then he drove me to the tunnel he worked at. His car was parked at the side of the tunnel and i could see many cars whizzing at 100kmph past the stationary car I was in. It was so scary. He told me to sleep in there, so I made a makeshift bed and used my jacket as a blanket. I tried to sleep - but the most sleep i got was 10minutes. Because foreign workers (mostly Indian/Bangladesh) kept peering into the car at me sleeping. I felt so unsafe with the workers and the cars whizzing past.

Then finally my dad's work was over and he drove me back home. It was 5am then. I slept for maybe an hour. So in total, I only had 1-2 hours of sleep after crying and getting beaten.

I still made it to school, but at that time I was already so, so, so worn out.

day 2
Began to lose control of my thoughts. Kept thinking about going back home and running away. Lost myself at times and tears just came out because i felt so miserable and tired. Breaking down was becoming a more common thing already. Couldn't hide it anymore. Some people noticed. So so embarrassing.

Body was also wonky. First it's the pain. And then, lost so much water and forgot to drink it all back. So pee came out orangey-red. Like wtf, have you ever peed orangeyred pee? I haven't. It was so shocking. Not to mention my rashes. Fuck lah, i got so many scars now thanks to the rashes, and I dont even noe why they appear.

***

When I get home, she charges into the room, shoves her arm in my face and screams "你不是妈妈生的！ 不得好死！！ DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THIS IS? You think you're too young to be arrested? (..for?) I'm going to call your hwachong principal (for..?). You better take me to the police station and doctor and i'll tell them how you illtreat your own mother! 你活着干什么？最好去死！" blablabla. So used to all these already.

The bruise on her arm was completely self-inflicted. If she had let go of my hair, would my dad use so much force to get her to let go of me? Still say my dad beat her up.

***

Oh, and about exaggeration and mixed signals..

Her: Why you haven't taken me to see doctor? You know he beat me up, now my arm is SO WEAK i can't even lift my soup spoon! And he never feed me!

She says this while holding my box of cosmetics and hair accessories.

Me: Then you can still hold that box?
Her: YES, it's very light isn't it?
Me: Uh.. and that box is lighter than a soup spoon?
Her: NO, to hold a soup spoon you have to hold it at an ANGLE. (LOLOL BULLSHIT.)

1 hour later..
Her: YES, I can lift things, you JEALOUS?

***

On friday night, I slept in my dad's car again because I didn't want to go home. Or rather, I tried to sleep. The car was parked in a well lit carpark. People passing by and peering in wondering what a girl in school uniform is sleeping in a carpark. Got home at about 4.30am. She woke up, scolded me for no reason for 1.5hours. Slept at 6am.

Got back my phone; and because she was reading all my messages while I slept, I tried to lock my phone. Ended up locking myself out and disabling my phone card. So I had to go to the operator to replace it, wasting more time.

So now.. everything's just wrong. My home, my family, my body, my hair, my studies. I haven't drawn a decent picture in months. Haven't gone out, caught a movie for ages. I'm slowly losing my friends because I am so emo and can't strike up a proper conversation. Can't do anything right. 20 homeworks undone. Busy. Tired. Miserable. Antisocial. When can I break out of this? When?

I am so emotionally drained. I try to do work, but I take 8 hours to do one math question because I am just so clueless. Here I am, trying to hard to be normal and to lead a normal life, but I suffer so much both physically and psychologically just for that. If someone offered me a ecstasy right now I would just take it. I guess I understand why people take drugs now. And I think, hey things can't get any worse now since it's so bad already! But it just gets worse. I just sink even deeper.

if you've read up to this point, i am sorry i let you go through so much emo rants. i should just get off now and stop wasting my time writing what happened to me in here..

Labels: family

messy

math lecture test 2/26
got beaten up before school and right after coming home
slapped, hit, hair pulled
until my dad came and intervened after i begged him to help me
called police, she snatched my phone away, last thing police heard was a scream frm me dunno what they'll do lol
now she has my phone
body hurts
duno if i can go to sch tmr

shes out now
when shes back i may pack all my things and go
(but where can i go)

she took my nric and atm card
reads my msges when im asleep

broke down in sch today

so tired

thinking of getting a protection order
or maybe i should call my uncle(lawyer) whom i don even noe

too... miserable or tired to blog the full thing. maybe another day.

Labels: family

lalala

.

if there is 1 word to describe my situation rite now, its pathetic.

i just got beaten up n scratched in the face. left arm very weak now. last time, i always let her beat my left arm. as a result my left arm became rock hard (n full of bruises) and almost resistant to pain. then i moved out for one year and my left arm became normal again. so getting beaten up again after one yr is very painful becoz my left arm lost all its resistance to pain.

this is y im bloggin in short form coz cant rly move my left arm now.

and i got betan up for no reason @ all. my files got thrown around and my laptop slammed. idk why everyday even tho i dont talk 2 her, my bag will get emptied and my things thrown around just bcoz shes pissed off with herself. and den always get vulgarities hurled at me for no reason. i dunno why im here living with a mad woman. it is reallly so tiring.. and i cant do any homework... can't sleep.... always wake up in sweat becuz she turn off all the electricity. cannot buy necessary things like pads. have to hide them if i wanna buy. cannot throw away anything. all keep in house.

and i cant even wash my own clohtes. my kind ex-roomate took my uniform to help me wash. then she got into trouble with the boarding school coz ure not supposed to wash other ppl's clothes there. i am so pathetic and i cause so much trouble for so many ppl just coz of my situation.

really dunno wat to do. just cry. whatever. hope that tomorrow my face all normal and the scratch on my face heals fast.

and it sucks tt this is the only place i can rant. i dun want to trouble other ppl/talk to them abt my problems cuz there's just too many. and they cant even be solved. so damn pathetic pls.

i dont noe why my dad wont do anything for me. or for my bro. sucks la so pathetic. a family is supposed to be a place u run to, not run away from. what if one day i have no friends, then where do i go? shit!

shes still shouting at me now. after 1 hr of shouting. she calls me a vagina, a penis, tells me to go die, go be a prostitute, accuse me of molesting her (?!?!?!?!) when she charged at me etc. i really am so tired of living with a crazy person. really, really tired.

let it go.

Labels: family

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