Sunday, September 6
Thanks for all your advice guys.
***
I think the conflict happened because the libarian was irritated and I should have made a regretful, sad face. But I was angry. I guess we both thought that the other party was unfair, so we were pissed at each other.
As for the form teacher, she values justice over mercy.
I'm like that too, but not that extreme.
Well, needless to say I quite dislike her now and I shall keep away from her.
Even if she was just being her.
***
The thing I hate is when people are unhappy with something I did and try to be polite with me, then give me a troubled expression like "I don't really want to say this and I'm so embarassed.." I hate that. God, just fucking say it already. Stop using that uneasy tone or that screwed up piteous face. It does not make me feel better at all.
I want people to be direct.
So I'd say stuff directly.
I treat people the way I want them to treat me.
I don't mean to be mean.
... I don't want people to be polite to me. just say stuff directly. don't hide anything or don't try to find a nicer way to put it. I don't want to give people so much trouble.
***
As for helping/being nice to people, I'm scared of rejection.
1. Once, someone dropped a pen and reached out the pick it up. At the same time I reached out to help the person pick it up. She got it first and my hand hung there awkwardly. She looked at me apologetically. I felt shitty. So next time, I told myself, next time I should just let them DIY.
2. Once, I was in a bus when and old man got in. I was at the back of the bus. Anyway when I saw him I immediately left my seat. But someone in front also left at the same time so the old man went to sit there. I stood there like a dumb fuck. Then I sat down again.
3. Once, I said hi to someone and she ignored (pretended not to see) me, making me look like I was waving at air.
So I felt upset, and then I saw another person I knew.
I ignored her so that she won't ignore me if I said hi.
Just as I was preparing to ignore her, she said hi first.
But by that time I already turned my back and walked away.
Then after a few seconds i felt I shouldn't have done that so I turned again to say hi back, but she was already walking away. Then again I looked like I was saying hi to thin air.
I really hate awkward moments like that~!!!!!
I'm always doing things, then after 1 second I regret it.
***
Then again, it is really not what I say.
It's my face/posture. If I don't enlarge my eyes all the time, if I relax my face, I look bored/emo/tired/angry/irritated.
Fuck, it is tiring to keep widening my eyes so that i look decent.
And do you know how some people just have smiley mouths? They have a mouth that looks like their smiling, even if they are not.
Well, I have an angry mouth.
And did I mention that if I want to make my voice come out, I have to talk loudly, or nothing will come out, cos my voice is damn low? Low, and loud.
What, I have to keep widening my eyes and smiling at everything so that i don't look shitty.
I hate this.
***
My desk a few months ago!! It's less cluttered now.
I put away all my stuffed toys too..
Our school cat~
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