Saturday, September 5
Wow I really don't know what to say. There is so much. Where should I start?
Moosic
I love Bowling for Soup's new song "My Wena".
It's hilarious! I actually listened to it 4-5 times thinking that it was about a girl.
HAHAHHAA!!
I can sing the whole song.
Cobra Starships' album.
Breathe Carolina's single.
Boys like girls new album.
We the kings' new single.
Relient K's single.
Love!!
Silicon Valley
I'm going to silicon valley (san fransisco, california) in november!!
Anyone stay there????
It's really cool because we get to visit Google, Adobe (and Apple?)!
And I've never been to a theme park in my life and we're gonna go to Disneyland!!
And one day of shopping..!
Macy's GAP Old Navy Banana Republic Trader Joe's Wal Mart Nordstrom Target!!
OHOHOHO!!! Does anyone know what is good to get?
IDK how they chose us, some ppl who are totally not interested in computers (and didn't write the write-up on why they wanted to go) got chosen to go, Jubbie says. Also this girl who wrote this writeup on time didn't get chosen.. Aiya. NVM!
My pizza
One day, my roommate fiona and I decided to order pizza for dinner.
I saved a slice for breakfast for the next morning.
I brought my pizza slice to the table next to the quadrangle.
Suddenly it dawned on me that I had to buy green tea and ramen.
I put my pizza on the table.
I trotted off to buy green tea and ramen.
When I came back with my green tea and ramen, I saw my empty platter.
My pizza lay a few feet away from the platter, with a bird in its beak.
Ooops I mean, the pizza was in a bird's beak.
The bird was trying to drag my pizza away.
I mean..
THE BIRD WAS TRYING TO DRAG MY PIZZA AWAY!!!!!
IT WAS PECKING @ MY PIZZA!!
MY PACIFIC DELIGHT PIZZA SLICE....!!
Very angry I snatched my holey pizza slice away from the bird, and the bird hopped a few hops away. It walked around in circles on the ground with its eyes on my pizza.
I was tempted to finish the pizza but I decided to...
I decided to take the seafood off the pizza, and then I threw it to the stupid bird which happily gobbled it up. Then I threw away the rest of the pizza so that the bird would not eat it and get fat or share it with his other bird friends or children.
UGH!!!
STUPID BIRD!!!
$233.95 spider
http://img38.imageshack.us/img38/5743/94446510.png
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http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/9465/90114753.png
http://img180.imageshack.us/img180/8843/12379832.png
Go load them all. Haha!
I! Need! Help!
Lots of stuff has been happening to me and frankly I am quite upset about it. It is pretty complicated and I have very mixed feelings and I feel that life is saddening now. I don't know what to feel how to act and what to do.
No matter who or what you are, if you read this blog, do give me some advice. I will divide this story into parts.
Part 1
The very first post of this blog was about my encounter with a libarian. I was a brat, I know. I did not care to be civil. I never cared to be civil. I was rash and vulgar and immature.
Read it here:
http://mushopea.blogspot.com/2008/10/rant-box.html
Anyway, if you don't read it, I shall quote a small part of it. Lib stands for libarian.
Lib: (What's with that face?
Me: Um... I was born with it.
Lib: I mean, why do you have that expression? Because you are very rude. (pause) I THINK you are rude.
She commented on what i looked like even though I wasn't making any face then.
My face - well - it's naturally
glum. Even if I have no expression it looks like I want to kill someone - I really can't help it, can I?
Part 2
The school
forced wanted us to complete this award scheme called 'NYAA'. To complete it, one had to finish 15 hours of service. If not completed, one cannot graduate.
I did my first 14 hours of service tutoring kids at another school.
Until swine flu came and it all stopped. I had 1 hour of service left to complete.
So two days back, I went to the library to do my last hour of service so that I can complete my NYAA.
OK.. so I went in.
Aaaaand........ out came the same old libarian. Yup, the one I had the unpleasant conversation with.
She didn't recognize me.
Hurrah, I thought. I told her about how I just needed to do one more hour of service. I tried to be as civil as possible. I thought, well since she doesn't recognize me, let us start off on a clean slate.
She said OK.
Yay! I thought she was nice. Well, she was nice to me then. Very nice.
This other young libarian told me how I should help out.
It was this tedious task of using a penknife to remove the wrapping off a book and one must be careful not to damage it and i was scared of pen knives and i could not use them properly and then i had to use an eraser to erase the smudged barcode off the wrapping and then remove the old barcode and look through a box of barcodes and find the exact barcode and replace it and then use scotchtape to secure it and the scotchtape kept bubbling up and then i had to use pencil to write down the number of the barcode i replaced and then i had to look for some sticker on the book cover and use scotchtape to secure them then i can rewrap the book and use scotchtape to secure the wrap then i had to put the barcodes back neatly where they came from.
In summary, I had to do this to more than fifteen books. I can't remember the number exactly. Fifteen books was way too much, I thought. But I was stupid and didn't say anything.
I really disliked doing it because it was so
menial - but i told myself, you know it's just one hour, just do this shit and get this over with!
40 minutes passed.
The libarian passed by and told me "It's not about the timing, it's about the task. Make sure you finish the task".
By then I had only finished 3 books. I estimated that it would take 3+ hours to complete all my books.
But still, I kept quiet. I just kept at the task, doing my best to complete as many books as possible and yet make them presentable.
One hour passed.
The young libarian (idk if she knew the time) told me to "continue doing".
I was feeling quite upset becos I had final exams to study for.
But I pressed on for half an hour more. Finally I felt a rush of urgency and I really needed to complete my chinese assessments or my chinese teacher will call me out to do with her the next day.
So I stacked up the 7 books I finished and I told the libarian:
"These are the books I'm done with the these are the ones I haven't done. I have to go for chinese remedial." And I told her I needed her to write a note to verify that I've done one hour of service. All I asked was one hour, when I did one and a half.
Yup, I semi-lied that I had chinese remedial. I don't know why. Maybe it was because I was
so desperate to get out. I needed to convince the libarian to let me off. If I didn't complete my chinese assessments, I would have to go for remedial, which is why i considered it a semi-lie. Either way, it was wrong and completely unneccessary. But, as you can see from the first blog post, i was brutally honest with her last time. I decided that well that was not how you deal with her. Anyway I was wrong to lie.
"When are you going to finish?"
"It depends on when i can finish my chinese assessment."
"Wah, you have to do the whole assessment book?"
"No um, two papers." (four hours in total.)
"Well, the library closes at five thirty so when you can, come back and finish yah?" She smiled.
"Er, I don't think I can come back." I told her.
Which was true! I would never be able to complete my assessments that day, and the next day I have CCA, and then it'd be one week of no school. By then it'd be too late for my NYAA!
And then that was when she snapped.
She started saying stuff like "After you, I don't think I want to help girls like you any more. You come to us and beg for help, and then when we want help you turn your back on us.
Very irritating. "
Well, there were a lot of thoughts going on in my head of course. I was angry because I felt that I did not "turn my back" on her. I felt that my doing 50% more than 1 hour was enough payback. It
may not be, but that was how I felt. I felt that it was unreasonable for her to expect me to do 3 hours when I just needed one hour, and when I already explained to her I had my final exams (yes I did). I felt that it was too much of her to say that I "turned my back" on her when I already tried my best to do past one hour. I blamed myself for
not saying "I'm really sorry - I can't complete this in an hour. It'd take me about 3 hours and I was wondering if I could do less"
I said nothing. I just wanted the damn note. I didn't want to go back to the library again.
She went to write a note.
I remained silent, while she rambled on about how we are ungrateful and irritating and all that. She finished writing and looked up at me.
Then she said something hurtful.
"Oh, look at your face? Want me to take a mirror and show you what your facial expression looks like now?"
Second time, about
my face.
Fuck, fuck fuck. I was trying to be civil! I was bottling up all my anger and I just wanted to get out of the goddamn library. OKAY, I was trying to keep a BLANK face. I was not even making any facial expression! FUCK THIS SHIT OKAY. These kind of comments really make me feel ugly, and I really CAN'T HELP IT IF MY FACE LOOKS LIKE THAT.
God, even if I was really making a face, I DID NOT MEAN TO! I tried my best to be polite and civil, all I wanted was to complete my one hour. Blame my not being able to control how my expression changes!
Anyway, what i was thinking was, well fine, if you want to refuse help to all the girls who want to help out at the library (for any reason) then it's your loss. All you had to do was write a note with your signature on it and you get a girl doing menial work for the library. I was really pissed off.
Yes, I know I am partly wrong in this situation.
After all, she agreed to help me to help them.
BUT My final exams were coming, I was under pressure to do my chinese assessment books and I did not plan to do 3 hours of service. If theres anything I hate, it's change.
I know it's cold and calculating of me to just want to help out just to complete my hours, i know it's selfish of me. OKAY. The libarian could have said that I was cold/calculating/selfish. That is true, so that's fine, I won't be affected by it. But she had to say upsetting things like 'irritating', 'turn your back' (like I betrayed someone?!) and comment on my face. I thought that it was too much. Cos I really tried my best to do past an hour (I normally would not).
Anyways, I got my note and I completed my NYAA.
The libarian wrote that I have completed
one hour of service.
It was actually
one and a half - even Mdm Seet pointed it out - but I didn't want to complicate matters. I just thanked her and walked out.
Part 3
I told my form teacher about it.
I expected her to be my confidante, someone I can tell stuff to.
But in essence, this was what she said.
- She was helping you.
- You came to her begging for help, right?
- They may need help, but not necessarily YOUR help. So, they were helping you by accepting your help, because YOU need the NYAA service hour.
- She's already being nice because she's truthfully expressing how she feels about your behavior. Once you go out and work I guarantee you'll sure get sacked if you continue behaving like that.
These all made sense to me. I agree to a large extent.
Then she said:
- Since you lied to the libarian, I'll have to report this to the disciplinary master.
I said blankly, "Okay".
Then I felt upset. I felt angry. I felt betrayed. I felt lost.
How many times have I trusted an adult who could not be trusted?
Why am I so naive?
I wanted words of sympathy.
I did not want a lecture - even though the lecture woke me up, and taught me some.
And the last thing I wanted was her to spill it all to the level head.
I know, I know he's going to come to me.
Reprimand me, whatever - even though I already know my mistakes.
Maybe force me to write a reflection and sign it - maybe I should write it in advance?
Give me demerit points, affect my future maybe.
Oh, or expel me..... I do really hope not or I may kill myself.
I've gotten into trouble way too many times for being stupid.
Fuck, I'm damn sick of getting into trouble. I'm sick of all the adults/teachers/counsellors talking bad about me behind my back (even if I'd been bad).
I want to tell them I am not a bad person. I just want to finish this ... this whole nightmare.
I know to those adults I am an immature, naive child. I am.
And I am sick of this shit.
I've always been myself around people. If I thought a rule was stupid I wouldn't follow it. I thought that forcing us to wear black hair ties was stupid so I wouldn't follow it. I would only do stuff if it affected my future or if it came in my way of something I wanted.
If I was unhappy I would express it. I hated being indirect and I also hated people being indirect to me. Because I felt that they were hiding a lot of things from me and so I told myself not to hide my feelings to other people. I didn't want to hide myself behind a facade of nicety and
ostentatiousness etiquette.
I never/rarely broke promises and I kept to what I said I was going to do. If I cared about something I would be damn responsible about it.
I would not help strangers because I didn't know them.
I would only help my friends.
I would not be nice to strangers cos i didn't care about them.
I would be nice and loyal to my friends.
So I ended up giving a bad impression to strangers.
I ended up being used by some friends.
My mom talked in honeyed tones to people and tried to use them (like get other schools' exam papers for us), and even though it was for us I hated it. i didn't want to make use of people or lie to them. I wanted to be.. raw, didn't want to be someone i'm not. i didn't want to trouble people.
And yet, i know people who don't mean what they say, who put on a false pretentious piteous tone when unhappy, never do things they promise me, are irresponsible, and disappear when you need help.
They are well liked.
No one ever denies them, no one points our their faults because they just
can't.
So I decided.
I
should be like them.
Be nice to strangers and help them, it will give them a good impression of you. Then when you become close to them, make use of them - just don't let them make use of you.
Follow rules blindly. Rules are meant to be followed after all.
When angry, hide it. Contort your face to a piteous look (at least it hides an angry expression), say some pityful stuff to make the other party feel guilty.
When facing strangers, never show your true colours.
Be polite to all teachers, never trust them, bow down greet them. Respect them because you have to.
Talk to people in honeyed tones.
Smile alot. Practice on how to make your smile look real and natural.
I really want to do all this.
I will force myself to.
Maybe if I keep at it, I will be used to it, I will like it, and then I'll be it.
But I don't know, I don't know if I can continue being happy if I be a fake person. Felicia says all people were meant to behave like that, it's not being fake, it's called being polite and she says I should be nice to people and be fake/polite to everyone even if I don't want to. .
But if I am my true self, people will form bad impressions of me, think I'm a bad person, talk behind my back.
I don't know what to become anymore.
I also did something i didn't mean to today, I regret it greatly, but I'm afraid the impression of me has already been formed. I already did what I could do to repair my mistake, but it wasn't enough. I don't want this to happen anymore. Never. I will do my all to prevent this.
I am now a confused person......
I don't want to pretend.
But to survive, to fit in, to give a good first impression, I have to.
god idk what to do.
for those people who know me,
please don't break promises to me. i hate it, how one can say something so casually and not keep to what they say.
please mean what you say to me.
please be responsible when working with me.
please don't say hurtful or upsetting or cutting things to me. i will be affected for many days.
please don't make unreasonable requests, i will agree to it because i dont want to lose you, but i will feel used.
if you know me, i trust you know what you have done.
i just wanna scream, cos i am really sick of all the shit that's happening to me, all the shit that i went through. all the promises that were broken. all the irresponsibility. all the unreasonable things. all the hurtful things.
if anyone does that to me.. again.. i will distance myself away from you. i won't help you. i will say no. i will refrain from working with you. i will tell myself not to be close to you.
im sick.
Labels: i am stupid, i feel upset, joke, music, pizza, silicon valley
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