Tuesday, October 12
I did something stupid today. I may be expelled from school - it's very likely - but I guess I deserve it. After all, I'm screwed up right? I'm incorrigible. I've had a bad rep my whole school life and you all like to talk about all the shit I have done. I have no one to blame but my screwed up self.
Alright, what happened was we were supposed to submit this consent form to go to East Coast Park for skating and I didn't even know shit. So the teacher told me to get my papa to text her.
My papa, well, he doesn't reply till the next day or something. So I figured it'd best to fake it. So I texted a friend "
Can you pretend to be my dad and msg this number "i give permission to musho to go ecp"? thanks. fucking teachers"
..
I sent that message to
the teacher.
Lol.
First, it's dishonesty.
Secondly, it's disrespect.
Yes, call me dishonest and disrespectful, I don't care. I guess I am. I have totally no idea why i put 'fucking teachers' at the end of my text. I was in a bad mood and my subconscious just put it there. It didn't mean anything; the teacher didn't do anything. But of course you won't believe me.
Sorry, I just use the word fuck freely. I really don't mean anything, but of course people will be offended. I shouldn't have done that, I know. But i didn't mean
anything. I have, up till now, no fucking idea why I put that at the end. -.-
Also, I should have done what the teacher said and called my dad instead of trying to save trouble and self owning. I guess I got so used to doing everything on my own that even this I try to do on my own. Okay, no excuses musho. You were wrong on both counts this time.
Call me vulgar, fucked up, disgusting, terrible, blablabla. I know I am. I've given up on myself already. I was never taught the right thing. My motto is DO ANYTHING AS LONG AS YOU DON'T HARM ANYBODY.
I told my dad what I did and he was just uh, sad and disappointed i guess.
The worse thing is, not only I'm gonna be kicked out from the school I worked hard to stay in, the only teacher who trusts and listens to me hates me now. She said I betrayed her and I never learn and she doesn't know if she wants anything to do with me anymore. She said for once she judged a person wrongly and so basically I'm this betrayer of trust piece of shit. She is gonna bring the matter to the discipline master AND tell them about my skipping of school. I'm so screwed.
I'll tell the discipline master to do whatever he wants with me. He can cane me in public, I'm used to pain anyway. He can do whatever he wants. I deserve all of it.
..
I don't know how I came to this point.
I don't know if I should cry. I guess... I already did. Sat on a rock by the sea today and cried.
I regret doing what I did and I really don't know why I did it. I'm sorry, I didn't have proper parents to teach me anything. My own mother stole and lied and my dad lets me do whatever I want. So instead of being a good obedient child I became this fucked up monster, on my own.
I'm giving up on myself. I have nothing to say. I don't know what to do now. I really need to know if I'll get expelled. Then I will start making plans to go to an art school or polytechnic.
This is not the first time I get called up for saying offensive stuff. I guess I am rash by nature, when I don't really mean any harm. I can't believe that I am 18 and it happens again. I'm so disappointed in myself and my stupidity.
I'm a monster. Anyway, I hope that teacher doesn't talk to me anymore coz I don't know how to face her. I've really screwed up this time round. Now I'll face the consequences.
Sorry means nothing. I am very sorry, but still I don't know why that is such a serious matter if I don't harm anybody. I guess words harm people so I'll watch my words. Anyway, no momentum to live now. Really wanted to jump in the sea but friend told me impossible to die there.
Now I don't know what i'm saying so I should stop. I'm a lost sheep. I'm screwed up - you say I am. Fine, can't help it.
Have to go dry my tears now.
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