Wednesday, February 10
HellThe past few days starting from saturday were like hell to me. If you read this don't treat me any different, please. I just have to vent this all out and someday convert my blog into a book or something because my life is just so shitty.
Day 1.
Dad drives van to hostel for me to load my stuff onto it to move back home.
Painfully moves stuff on my own with fucking muscle ache.
Dad leaves van there overnight, had nothing with me the first night.
Day 2.
Feel very desperate. Feel so unlucky. Like why was I born in this family. Why can't I be like all my other friends living normally in a house and taking everything for granted.
When I saw my house, I cried.
When I moved back, my dad didn't clear a room for me like he promised. There was no attached bathroom. Bathroom all cluttered. No space to bathe and put my toileteries.
I'll take a picture of the room I am in, with the webcam.
There is no bed, no space to bathe. No table, no chair, no space to walk. Fleas on the mattress. Place smells rotten.Every inch of the house is like this. EVERY. MOTHER. FUCKING. INCH! Even the STAIRCASE! Not allowed to flush toilet, urine and shit inside for one day plus. Have to wash clothes by hand. Not allowed to waste water so we use like 5 days old brownish water to wash clothes.
WE HAVE 3 OTHER HOUSES LIKE THIS!
How can ONE person do all this? When I left, it wasn't like this. Why is the place like this now?
Moved some things from my van back home...
Mom cursed me to get struck by lightning + bad karma blabla + shouts vulgarities + blames me for messing up the house (?? I wasn't there the whole year???) and bullying my dad (??? she forced me out of the hostel and she doesnt wan my dad to help me drive back my belongings???)
Slept on mattress not washed for a year. Woke up soaked in sweat because my mum turns off all the electricity at 3am.
I feel so lost and hopeless. No adult out there to help with anyth. Even my school counselor scolded me for interfering.
But really how can I live like this.
Please just let me go back to my normal life. Please, I will do anything. I need to get out of here. rent a room somewhere and take my bro with me.
Day 3
Monday, school again. Woke up at 5:55am.
Went to school pretended to be happy and like nothings wrong. Mingle with classmates.
Went janice's house to complete our business and took 2 hour bus ride home.
Came back home.
Found all my things missing.
My mum had taken my things and moved/integrated it together with the other junk in the house.
All my cosmetics and creams I had so painstakingly sorted and put together, now scattered everywhere hanging in random plastic bags. All my toiletries with the other 100000 bottles in the bathroom.
Was very agonized, couldn't find all my things. Called her up and asked why she did this and where she put all my things. She said I was an ingrate and cursed me once more.
Desperately went about the room to take back all my things and return them to the original position. i go crazy when I dont know where to find my things. Every one of my things was wrapped in toilet paper (a habit of hers) and I ripped them all out and threw them away. Some of them were wrapped in emptied coffee powder wrappers and tiny plastic bags.
Found that she had attached a string to my shirts so that I can hang them up easier. In a fit of anger I ripped those off too. I know those took a while to attach. Felt cruel, but whatever.
I DID NOT WANT HER TO TOUCH OR MOVE MY THINGS!!!! I WANT TO KNOW WHERE ALL MY THINGS ARE!!! I DON'T WANT THEM TO BE PART OF ALL THE JUNK. I DON'T WANT EACH AND SINGLE ONE OF MY PIMPLE CREAMS ETC WRAPPED IN TOILETPAPER/PLASTIC BAGS!
Oh and guess what she said... I was MESSY! So she ORGANIZED them for me! Oh thanks, thanks for giving me only 1m x 2m space to put ALL my things! It'd be great if ALL the children in the world had only 1m x 2m space for their things and the rest of the 2000sqft of the house used to put their parent's shit.
Eventually I restored everything back to their original state.
Bathing time.
One bathroom.
One bathroom with unclosable door (tons of junk hanging on it).
Father + teen brother + mother can see me bathing.
I'm almost eighteen.
Felt so disgusting.
NO heater. But I can live with that.
Sleep time. 1 am.
Mum scolds and shouts me the usual (ungrateful cheebye + vulgarities + bad karma + get struck by lightning + you should pay me $500 for me helping you pack your things (?? in toilet paper and food wrappers??)) while i'm trying to sleep. Turns on the light. Touches my things and moves them around.
I begged and begged her to leave me alone... I could not sleep with noise (esp ppl cursing and shouting at me....) and light. Begged till I cried. Cried to sleep
Day 4 - today
Woke up one hour late, drenched in sweat because electricity got turned off by someone in the middle of the night.
Rushed like shit to school but was late still.
Did not wash face etc got on bus felt very dirty.
Hair was disgusting too.
EZlink card got confiscated for being late
Teachers asked if my shoes were 'legal' and asked me to tuck in my uniform (!!! idk how leh!!! looks weird!)
Didn't know what i looked like because never wash face or tie hair properly... may have had pimple cream and whatever creams i put on last night still on my face.
And the worse thing..
I left my jacket, PHONE and mp3 at home.
Of course, I couldn't be any more surprised. My mom found my phone and saw that janice had been trying to call me. THEN SHE MESSAGED JANICE (to pass the msg to me). The msg contained several more curses (bad karma + struck by lightning blablablbala + you ingrate blabla) AND.... she asked me to return her the toilet paper she wrapped around my things.
*facepalm* JUST BECAUSE I THREW AWAY SOME USELESS SHIT SHE MESSAGES MY FRIEND THIS KIND OF THINGS.
THEN SHE STARTED TO READ
ALL MY MESSAGES. Sent and Inbox. ALL 2000.
THEN SHE WENT TO SEND SOME OF THEM TO MY BROTHER AND FATHER.
MSGES FROM MALES FEMALE STRANGERS ALL SEND!
WHAT. THE. FLYING. FUCK!
MY FUCKING
PRIVACY!
Just look at how much time she has? From afternoon to night she has been at my handphone reading away!
Oh and guess what? Phone's still with her now so I dont know who has msged me today and what!!! BITCH. BITCH!
Anyway, I took some toilet paper and crumpled them up to return to her! That was the most fucking dumb thing I've done in my life!
Hongkai was very kind. She actually left me
her phone for tonight so that I could contact my dad and bro. Thanks hon.
I knew that if I went home my mom would beat me up/force me to pack her junk/ force me to return her toilet papers and food wrappers, so I didn't go home. Stayed in school till dad came to pick me.
The whole day I felt so upset and worried. What will happen when i go home? what will happen tmr? what msges did i miss? Felt like vomiting and whenever i thought of all this i felt so, so sick.
Also, I actually wanted to view a house for rent tonight at 8:30pm! Guess what I didn't turn up and my phone was with mum so the agent probably phoned me like crazy!
Anyway, if you've read up till now, there're probably some things you don't understand. Like why my mum wld do all this. COS SHE'S FUCKING SCREWED IN THE HEAD! FOR REAL! And there's no one to do anything about it and no one to turn to or help us.
And her children and husband suffer all coz of her! I mean why did i get avg 50marks in sec1,2,3 while living with her? NOW my bro's like that too! Nothing will change like this. She even forces my bro to go out with her till like 12am, then he sleeps so late. No wonder he is so tired. I begged and begged, mom please let bro stay home he needs to sleep. But she says NO for no reason at all!
Went home saw bathroom toilet filled with shit. Could not stand it and flushed.
Toilet clogged, shit floated up again.
Went to bathe, when drying self with towel, towel smelled like the shit.
Sick. Sick. Sick.
This is just day 4.
I can't live here anymore.
If I continue like this I will just break down in front of everybody.
I am running away. I will live by myself.
Dad agrees to me renting a flat on my own.
I need a place somewhere in Bukit Timah/Clementi/Holland etc anywhere near school.If you happen to see an ad or something like it tell me please. I need to get out fast.
if no one wants to help us, i can only help myself.
Anyway, to lighten up the mood I ought to be complaining about less serious things like my goddamn
Driving
I learnt half of driving theory today! :O
Should I learn driving this year, though? I have several reasons against it...
1. Should concentrate on studies
2. Might kill self or innocent pedestrians. Serious, first time I was riding a bike there was a man pushing a pram in front of me. I saw it and tried to turn but failed miserably and started wobbling around.
Crashed STRAIGHT INTO THE PRAM.
Of course the man was very angry with me. I could have killed a baby. Thank goodness baby was not in pram.
So if I ever start driving, I am certain I will kill someone within a year.
Not good.
3. people say i'm old........... :(
Labels: family, period
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