Wednesday, December 20
Sorry for the long delay ;_; I hope people still read this. I'm making it a 2018 goal to update this blog design and post more often.
In singapore!
I get to work from Singapore for 2 weeks and couldn't be happier back here! I got to catch up with my best friends. It feels like I never left. I'm living with my SO's family, and my SO's mom is spoiling me with food :)
family update
I also met with some members of my family.
It started with me visiting my grandma. I felt bad that my grandpa passed away while I was too busy studying for university to visit him. I know I don't have many chances to see my grandma, with me being abroad. Anyway, they invited me for dinner with my grandma + aunt + uncle who I barely interact with. And it was a nice dinner!
dinner
My grandma has this photo of 6 year old me?!!
WHY AM I ONLY A FINALIST _|_.
Anyway they kept asking how come my parents don't know I'm back in SG, so I felt bad and emailed my dad to tell him I'm in SG. (Obvs not telling my mom)
So I brought my dad and bro to Google SG for lunch.
My dad has aged considerably. He has hypertension and diabetes, and a chipped tooth. He's not seeking treatment for any of this. He's 67 - so, old and sick - but still has to work to support my mom whose hoarding has gotten worse and is bleeding him out.
I've always told my dad "Just ditch mom, rent out your two houses and you can retire. Why don't you do it?" but I guess he just can't go against my mom. I asked him to think about the end state, as cruel as that sounds. When he's aged and can't take care of my mom anymore, we (the children) sure as hell ain't gonna take my mom in. She's going to a home. And he knows that.
He says he just wants us to be happy and successful. I told him not to worry about us. We just want him to take care of himself, and think about himself for once.
I used to resent my dad for letting my mom get her way, and not stopping her from abusing us. But he did recognize that living with mom was harming us, and he supported us financially to live elsewhere. While he singlehandedly took on her abuse after we left.
It was him doing his best.
I thanked him for doing his best for us, and that it was appreciated. He brightened up when he heard those words.
To be honest, I'm worried and deeply saddened to see him like this.
But me and my bro are in a good place, and at least my dad can be happy about that.
EOY festival 終わった
After AFA flooped I had to change a lot of plans. I inconvenienced my team and lost USD$900 to change my flight :( Each time I had to thank someone for being understanding, my dignity chipped away. "
If you hadn't failed, you wouldn't have caused so much trouble. You wouldn't have lost money." Drawing stuff was difficult with my self esteem at rock bottom. I was crying myself to sleep on some nights.
BUT ITS OVER!
I managed to put up some work I feel proud of. I had customers from last year who remembered me, messaged me and visited me! ;_; Many of my friends came (and my prof too LOL) to support me. Thankful to friends who care about things I worked hard on...!
I'm going to take a step back to see where I want to be with art. If I continue with my mindset, I will destroy my passion.
In 2018, I want to
- Draw more original work
- Set up my online store and properly maintain my Instagram
- Work on my webcomic
- Be happy with the supporters I have
Most importantly, I no longer want to use conventions to force myself to draw. I have to trust myself, that I will draw, even without deadlines. I will rely less on discipline, and be open to inspiration and motivation!
I also got to experiment with fairy lights. Display design makes me happy!
First year of work is over
This year has been full of firsts!
- Moving abroad.
- Moving in with my SO.
- Starting my first full time job.
- Getting a cat.
- Getting a car.
- Paying my own rent and bills.
I learnt so much. And I love working at YouTube. I stumbled a lot at the start, but I really have grown a lot. Not just as a designer, but
being at Google teaches me to be a better person everyday.
I'm blessed to be surrounded by team members who prioritize supporting me and helping me grow. I feel happy to be working on high impact projects.
Two of my cool amazing coworkers, Michael and Arman.
We were making YouTube stickers! (This is not our main job.)
I love my job. I feel so lucky to be able to say that. I feel proud of it, and undeserving at the same time. But I will treasure this very much.
More positive stuff
I spoke with my therapist about my anxiety and self esteem issues. To be honest, I really was hoping she would just prescribe me some medicine that would make my problems go away :( But she didn't. Instead, she encouraged me to practice positive thinking.
I'm grateful for my cat sesame.
One way to do this is to think about
what I've accomplished and to
express gratitude.
You can see I'm trying to do this in this blog post, and I'll do more of this in future posts!!
I've thought of some things I'm proud of that I want to write about
So prepare for some bragging and shit
Ending this post with usual selfie #nofilter
Labels: art, family, friends, ramble, singapore, work
Sunday, April 24
need shorter posts
Gahh!! I've got
a lot of things to say; my life is headed in a different direction than I thought it would head months ago.
But I'm making an effort to make my posts shorter instead of each post being a long word-vomit. I care about my blog's UX.
schoool stuff
FINSIHED MY FYP REPORT AND PRESENTATION!!!
Two potential investors after I presented it during the FYP Innovation Award pitch!
I didn't win but I made friends with the other presenters and they're cool people!
just chilling
latin american fair
After the FYP report submission, my friends and I went to Big Box at Jurong East, lay on all the beds, sat on all the sofas and rocking chairs, and stumbled upon a Latin American fair where we got free wine, which we drank while sitting on a rocking bench. It was chill, it was perf.
Soccat, the faculty mascot I designed, is now in 3D. This is my legacy lolol I am very proud.
My fam
My friends are really into this series of party games called '
Jackbox Party' available on Steam. If you've got a group of friends, I completely recommend this group game. Only one person needs to own it.
- You get to stare at your phone and not interact with anyone, yet you're interacting with everyone by playing this game. PERFECT.
- One of the games, Fibbage, involves making up ridiculous lies and getting people to believe you. You get to learn interesting facts along the way. When someone chooses your lie, you feel so proud of your lie-baby.
family update
My mom's
discharged from IMH, but now she is
refusing to go for appointments, take medicine or allow home visits. She promised to do those.
She's listless and depressed right now and just stays home all day and my
dad is absolutely against sending her back anymore. He lies to IMH that she is fine. On a positive note, she stopped picking up trash from rubbish bins. IMH also made her clean up their house a bit. Actually, my dad did the clean up while my mom did nothing as usual.
I don't really care or want to.
I'm not expecting much change anymore. My dad is content and I don't want to push it. Who knows if she will return to her old behaviors? If they are content living their life in squalor (e.g. house that is never cleaned, boxes piled everywhere) then
okay. I've got my own life to live too.
I also can't say IMH dealt with this perfectly. Was there a need to ward her for 2 months, and only send a doctor to tend to her once a week? What is the purpose of making her stay there doing nothing? While she was there, why didn't they send therapists to speak to her about her depression? So, I can't even defend them.
One good thing that came out of this was, a social worker from IMH brought her church cell group to help us clean up one of our houses! There were around 20 people. Huisuan and my bf also came down to help. Lovely, kindhearted people that I'm forever grateful to!
The volunteers
We filled up two entire containers, they cost $650 each.
Huisuan posing with some stuff we've thrown out
Before
After!
My dad was supposed to find someone to rent it but it hasn't been rented out though.
It's okay. I'm chill and have been marathoning many kdramas.
Labels: family, fyp, house, school, soc, soccat
Saturday, January 9
big update
TLDR; I sent my mom to IMH. She got admitted.
When I came back from San Francisco, I called my dad and said we could not delay it any longer. So we arranged a date for Saturday (today) for me to call the private ambulance and police to bring her to the mental hospital.
I went to where my mom and dad stayed, and got a shock because they stayed in the middle of a busy tourist street right outside a popular MRT exit. It's like one of those places you see in the "Top 10 places you should visit in Singapore" lists. Like 100 people/min pass by the street. OK, bad sign #1.
As per IMH's instructions to me, I called the ambulance, then I called the police to assist us, because mom was potentially violent. Police called back, said "
We are not going to come until there is actual violence." Well ok. Thank you police for caring for our wellbeing and safety. Bad sign #2.
I waited at a nearby McDonalds, working on coding my portfolio while the ambulance made its way. My dad came out of the house and we discussed what to do later. 3 minutes before the ambulance arrived...
Dad: The house door, tell them they must push very hard to enter.
Me: What do you mean? You are the one opening the door for them.
Dad: Huh? No, I will leave and wait in the car.
Me: WTF? We talked about this. You HAVE to be there.
Dad: I don't want her to see me.
Me: Did you think you could just run away and leave your wife alone while she is hauled into an ambulance by strangers?!
Dad: I thought I did not have to be there.
Me: Fine, I can go up instead. Do you want me to go or not?
Dad: OK, you go.
*we reach below the house*
Dad: Nevermind, I will go. Run to the macdonalds to hide.
Went back to macdonalds, waited for an
hour. Felt so bad for the ambulance guys. Must have been trying to talk to my mother for an hour.
Got a call from my dad's phone.
Dad: Mum wants to speak to you.
Me: OK.
My mother: Xinni, did you call the ambulance to take me to IMH?
Me: Yes.
My mother: Why? How can you do that? You betrayed me. Tell them to leave.
Me: You need help.
My mother: I gave birth to you. I breastfed you. I pray for you everyday. But you're so ungrateful. You're heartless. May God punish you.
Me: You have to go.
My mother: You are the mentally ill one. *more insults*
Me: *hangs up*
Then later, my dad tells me he is going off for an appointment.
Me: WTF?!! Why did you schedule an appointment IN THE MIDDLE OF SENDING YOUR WIFE TO IMH?? ⊙▃⊙
Dad: I made this appointment last week.. I have to go.
Me: Go where?!
Dad: Nearby only.. meet my friend.
Me: People are trying to get her to come down and you are running off to meet a friend?!
Dad runs off in the middle of it all to meet his friend and leaves the poor ambulance guys alone with my mom.
Mom tries to flee towards the MRT station.
We call the police to restrain her.
20 minutes later, police arrive. I am summoned to the MRT station.
So they are crowding this busy MRT entrance. There are 2 police officers, 2 ambulance guys and a wheelchair. My dad's hiding in some corner. EVERYBODY is staring.
I walk up to them.
My mom sees me and starts screaming the usual insults at me in front of the passers by. She stares furiously at me. I stare blankly back at her knowing she can't manipulate me. I think I even smiled at her. I don't know why. I guess after 20 years of taking her abuse, I finally made a huge step for it all. The police and ambulance guys did not even know me but they defended me and knew that I was doing it for her own good. I really appreciated that.
Police: Hi. So you are her...
Me: Daughter.
My mother: SHE IS NO DAUGHTER OF MINE. SHE IS A BETRAYER. SHE WENT BEHIND MY BACK
Police: *tells me my mom is trying to run away and they have to restrain her on the wheelchair and wheel her to the ambulance*
Me: Sure.
Then the police grab her by force and start
strapping her to the wheelchair thingy. At this point, everybody is standing there watching the debacle. Tourists look confused and ask if they are allowed to pass. The police tell them to move on and stop blocking the entrance.
My mom screams
"HELP!" and
"MOLEST!" and
"RAPE!" and scratches the police officer. Of course this attracts more stares. Police officer warned her that he has a camera and is recording her actions and she cannot make false allegations.
Worse,
now she starts screaming my name and my brother's name. Omg... I was like, I hope nobody I know is here if not they will be like omg dude whatsup is that crazy lady screaming your name and i'd have to say oh you know nothing much just a regular day sending my mom to mental hospital (◕ ʜ ◕ )
We get into the ambulance and they drive us to IMH.
One of the ambulance guys, who saw the state of the house, tells me that my mom's situation is very bad and jialat. He says
I need to insist she gets admitted if not she will be out by 5pm. I thanked him for his advice.
When the nurse sees her rambling and shouting at me she keeps muttering to other nurses that my mom is very sick.
I go and wait at the other side of the hospital and saw
- A guy in handcuffs
- A frail teenage boy who had his wrists restrained and was accompanied by 3 police officers
- A man who was talking to thin air
I felt genuinely bad for them and the stigma around mental institutions. I mean just then, one of my friends in a chat made a joke about the mental institution being a 'funny farm' and stuff. I felt sad. The place was a sad place.
A woman who sat next to me told me she was schizophrenic but now she is much better. I told her I was glad for her that she has it under control. She saw that I was programming (I was programming while waiting at IMH because I have shit loads of work to do) and asked what I was making. When my dad came she said "Hi uncle". My dad just grimaced lol.
Anyway the doctor finally called us in. We explained everything to him and I passed him my 15 page report of her behaviors. He asked us about her family and history of mental illness and whether she was paranoid.
He was really curious why my dad let her spend over 1 million of his money on renting properties and my dad said he could not refuse her or she would shout and quarrel with him. So I think the doctor knows that my dad is scared and enables her.
He also asked us what we hoped to achieve. Remembering what the ambulance guy said to me, I asked the doctor to please admit her.
The doctor said usually admitting is for suicidal/emergency cases and it might not happen. He has to speak with a senior doctor about it.
Anyway we waited for the doctor to speak with my mom. After a few hours he came out and told us that
they will admit her.
Hoorah.
We decided on Ward B2 for her, which is like $80 a day, because my dad said that Ward C has more crazy people and will turn her crazy (ofc I don't believe that). I think most of these costs will be covered by
Medisave.
She doesn't qualify for private wards because of her violent tendencies.
We don't know what she is diagnosed with yet. I mean definitely hoarding but the doctor said she has other issues as well. I have to work with social workers to discuss plans from here.
When we left the place we could hear her screams from outside and shouting from the staff and we caught a glimpse of them restraining her.
I'm probably not going to visit her because I am the last person she wants to see. She thinks I am the mastermind of it all. Which I suppose is true, I planned everything but I know I did it for the good of my family. My brother and father are now busy throwing out as much stuff as possible which is liberating!
San fran
Six flags whoo!!
I went to the one in Vallejo. I puked in the middle of it all. D:
My favourite ride is the Superman. The rest were quite underwhelming and many were closed for the Winter.
While in downtown San Mateo I tried Burmese food from "Best of Burma". This is mango chicken with garlic noodle and it's really nice. Tastes similar to Thai food. Wow I typed "Manga chicken", but corrected myself.
PANDA EXPRESS
Outside bf's house
Filet mignon with creamed spinach
Thaipan
Shout out to this butter squid from thaipan @ Marine Parade (back in Singapore). Best squid I've EVER had. Better than any salted egg calamari.
Work
As I mentioned earlier, I am REALLY FLOODED WITH WORK!! T_T
I got a Teaching Assistant position and faced with a recent change in syllabus, I have loads of material to prepare in too few weeks.
Oh and Masters applications :( I almost done and got 3 people willing to write my letters of recommendation. I got 117/120 for TOEFL (27 for speaking, full marks for writing, reading and listening). But my GREs were awful. I got 96 percentile for Verbal because I spent all my time preparing for that. I ended up fucking up my Quant and it became 80th percentile. I'm working to strengthen my Statement of Purpose and Portfolio because of that.
And FYP :( I have to get started soon.
Honestly it really sucks to deal with life right now but I will manage I guess
Labels: family, food, san francisco, work
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