Friday, February 19
ELL and Chemistry
I received a message from the deputy principal saying he wanted to see me for my (or rather, my mom's 10000th) appeal to let me do ELL instead of chemistry.
So I went to his office.
Me: I know that I can't do ELL because my lessons clash with each other. But my mom keeps insisting on calling my form teacher about it. I'm so sorry; I already know I can't do ELL. This is a total waste of time for us.
Him: *stops me* Ok wait wait. You CAN do ELL. There is a possibility.
Me: There is..? 0_0
Him: Yeap. Your current subject combi is XXXX. We can let you do ELL in place of chem, but we'll have to change a few classes' timetables and you'll have to switch class to A13.
Me: 0_0
Him: We'll have to change your class' timetable too.
Me: 0_0
Him: *begins talking about university and what i want to do in the future*
Me: How long do I have to consider this..?
Him: Maybe till tomorrow?
Me: Actually I want to do ELL slightly more than chem, but this desire doesn't override my want to change class. I also don't want to affect other people's timetables.
Him: Lol ok. You think it over lah. It's only a slight change to their timetables, maybe their timetable extend half to one hour.
Me: ...If I don't want take ELL, but my mum say want, will you put me in ELL?
Him: Of course we won't. It's you taking the lessons!
Me: 0_0 ok so can you not tell my mom about this?
Him: ....Errr.. yeah. In fact I haven't told your form teacher yet. So this is like a complete private matter.
Me: Alright, please don't tell her ok!
Him: Relax, I won't.
Deputy principal rocks!!!! ♥
I don't really want to change class or affect people's timetables. I hate letting go of anything familiar.
A13. I'll be in Ares then. An arts class. This seems so surreal. Here I am in a physics class and then i change a subject, I'm in an arts class with a totally new fac.
I don't feel anything for Ares anymore. Before I entered hwachong, lu was always telling me about Ares. Silently I cheered for Ares and I felt happy for Ares whenever they won something. I hoped very much to be in Ares.
But now, I like Athena already. It's like we're always left out. We don't win anything and we're given the suckiest venues for everything. Other facs can win together, but we suffer together. It's a .. different feeling.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Half accepted for AEP, half accepted for ELL, but sticking with my absolutely shitty combination. It's like giving up my dream combination for nothing at all.
Gross
Don't you hate food getting stuck in your teeth? It's so
dIsGuStInG!! Even though it is completely not your fault that you 1) Don't check yourself in the mirror after a meal 2) Have crappily arranged teeth? It is such a complete turn off.
Anyway it happened to me and you have no idea how disgusted and embarrassed I felt. I came up with a few plans..
a) After a meal do not talk for the rest of the day so that no one sees.. or talk with your mouth closed
b) don't eat veggies in school at all (they tend to be the culprits) and end up with a big butt because of all that shit buildup
c) Carry toothpicks in your pocket
d) Put a toothbrush and toothpaste in your locker and brush your teeth in school after every meal
I picked plan D.
My toothbrush and toothpaste's packed in my bag, ready for use for the rest of the year :D
Abby and I are going to brush our teeth in the school toilet together every day :D
.....self bashing
I feel so damn miserable. I finally cried out of the blue today. Broke down 3 times. Hid in my jacket and I hope no one saw. Kept going toilet to see if my eyes didn't give me away.
Firstly, it's those fucking pimples. I don't have the energy to insult pimples anymore. I always stare at people with clear skin. ESP BOYS. DAMN IT, I TAKE 10000 TIMES MORE CARE OF MY SKIN AND I HAVE 99999 TIMES WORSE SKIN THAN THEM!
Main reason is my home. Everything is so warped in here. I don't want to be part of the place. I am so scared, if I run away, she'll stalk me and find out where I live and harass my friends. I am so worried about the future.I don't want to burden my friends. But i really, really have no choice, I can't carry on living like this. I can't do everything her way, i will die.
And the lessons. I can't keep up at all. Chemistry - I can't understand one question and we're going to have a quiz. Math - I utterly fail at it. My classmates are doing everything in advance and it makes me feel so terrible and stressed. I missed the first econs lesson ever.
The worst is computing. I
hate computing. I have no idea why I picked this horrible subject. I thought I liked computers but come to think of it, I don't. I thought I liked coding which means I will like programming, but I don't! In fact, I liked to design layouts but I dreaded coding them. In computing class, I am struggling to understand. I am so behind everyone. I don't know what
#include int main(){std: cout "Hello, world!\n";}
means. I feel like a piece of shit every time my classmate sitting beside me helps me. I feel like an
utter piece of shit when other classmates already know how to program and write some weird program I don't understand. The subject is so, so dry. I feel like a prune every time I get out of computing class. And in the end, I still know nothing. Output: Zero.
I miss Lit. I like to read books more than I like computers. Fuck, I don't like computers at all. Damn it, I want to drop this subject. I want to do lit. I want to do lit! I miss you Nanyang, when everything was so easy compared to the crap I'm going through now.
And because I felt like shit today, I acted emo and antisocial. So.. many classmates avoided me. I don't know, maybe it's not because of today.
Maybe because... I am really that terrible a person. When they see me, what do they think? Ugly? Grumpy? Rude? Vulgar? Uncouth? Arrogant? Hater? Detached? Annoying? Disgusting? Come to think of it, these days I've been doing and saying annoying things to some of them. Why? Do I want to come across as an annoying person? Can't I keep my mouth
shut? Do they even want my crude opinions?
Oh not only that, I also waste food. I threw away half my plate of food in front a few of my classmates. I'm sorry, I don't normally do this. I don't know whats with with my appetite lately. I just feel really sad and I have no mood to eat. I have to force food in these days. I don't know what's going on; I really love food. On the bright side, today I felt really hungry and I finished my bowl of noodles. :)
My past. People gossip. People will judge me based on my past. Let me see. When I was 8, I stole from classmates. When I was 10, I shoplifted and was caught. When I was 11 I played with fire. When I was 13/14/15/16 I was totally immature and I was a
total BITCH. When I was 15 I sent a vulgar email to my CCA president (bad move). And so on. I've done many things I will never do again. Sometimes I don't even understand why I said/did some things in the past. But do people know that I have changed? Look at the school counselor, digging up my past and using it against me.
Wow, it seems like only now I care about what people think of me.
Should I even? I am probably thinking too much.
I don't know what the future holds for me. Maybe I'll just be an outcast for the next two years and stick with my old friends. If things continue like this, I may just drop computing, change subjects and class and be an outcast in another class. Do lit or ELL, be happier. Damn it, why am I always an outcast?!
I don't know. Maybe I'm writing and speculating all this because I feel so very miserable.
This is the most emo post I've typed. It's 1:30am. I should get off and finish at least 5% of my homework.
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