Saturday, July 10
OK, I snapped.
Is it that hard to raise a family that's
not fucked up?
Why do I know so many people in similar situations? AND why does it hurt me so much that I cry? T cried for me when she first heard about me. I've made enough people cry for me.
We all know because we're going through the same thing. And it hurts. It breaks my heart to see the sadness, the despair in their eyes.
It really makes a fucking difference if your family is proper or not. I've asked all those with proper families, "Are you happy?" It's mostly a yes. I'm okay with that, I feel glad for them.
It's entirely up to you to decide your life now. You have to discipline yourself. Clean your room. Do your laundry. Bathe early. Sleep early. Do your homework. Eat dinner at 6pm. You have to tell yourself to do all that.
Sadly I'm not doing a good job at disciplining myself. I am ashamed! I have done so many things that a decent parent wouldn't let his kid do. Especially this week. I'm a major delinquent now. I'm a sloth.
My dad? Recent conversation.
"Papa can I buy $40 shoes? Papa can I buy a table light? Papa can I buy baking stuff cause i wanna bake?"
"Yes, if you need money just call me"
"Papa you better stop renting XXX house so that I can use the money for tuition. I don't have the heart to waste more money."
"OK I will clear XXX house to return it asap. Then you can get tuition. Just tell me how much you need."
"Yeah just fucking throw out all her things."
Then I ask about my bro, who's fucking up his life like I was a few years back.
How fucked up is that? My papa is a
cash cow. I have to use my getting tuition as a "reward" for him to do something about my mom. It's all about
ME.
My father has never done anything for himself! Every time I put down the phone I feel like crying because I feel so sad for him, and I am not doing anything to improve life for him. What do I do for someone with no willpower to help himself? I can only cry. It breaks my heart, again. It breaks my heart to see someone turning 60 still working on weekends, on his birthday.
T and I have been eating unhealthily. Just found out bellyfat = unhealthy fat. If you were a healthy fat you'd be fat all over. But if you're an unhealthy fat you gain fat only at your belly. I am fat, unhealthy fat. I can see all the weight I'm gaining. Width of my wrist is only a 4.3cm - which makes people think I'm thin, but I am an unhealthy fat. I'm so ashamed of myself and of my body.
I have my shit grades, and I'm serious this time, they are really, really, really, really bad and it's too late to catch up. Lost too much time..
My pimples are really bad now. In fact, today is one of the worse days for them. And I'm not even gonna write a funny ranting about them anymore because I'm just not in the mood. They've gone too far. One thing for sure - they are making me very depressed.
Also, the loneliness. It's in us all - the people with fucked up families that is. We need company all the time.
After a day with friends, I'm the only one thinking "Don't go please, I don't want to go home,
I don't want to be lonely." but the others are saying "There's dinner waiting for me at home, gotta go".
It is.. so, so, so lonely here.
And that's not the only thing that is making me unhappy.
I don't know why I still break down. Guys, I am trying so hard to be happy. I don't know why I am not happy. I don't know why I am crying.
Friends. Shopping. Movies. Outings. They are escapes. They make me temporarily happy. Sometimes I forget about everything back here. I am happy making others happy, too. As long there is someone I can do something for..
Drawing. Drawing has always been .. an escape. I can draw a happy picture even when I'm crying like crazy. I like cute things, so I think if I draw a cute thing I will be happy. So I tell myself, screw it, I will draw. I will draw, I will draw till I'm alright again. Trying to make myself happy. Same concept as wanking. I don't know if I draw because I love art, or I just want to escape. I draw to escape boredom in class. I draw after I get beaten up so that I stop sobbing. I draw when I'm frustrated with studying, with life. I tell people it's my "habit", but I got this far only because I wanted to escape.
I only want to draw the things that make me happy. Never drew to improve. Girls, colours, animals, sparkles.
What a fucking lie my art (mostly) is.
Music. Ipod's like a friend who's always there. Never to be bored of.
Meep, really love my music now. So many good songs.
Slowly killing the songs even when I'm not playing them, because they keep repeating in my head. Whoo.
I am working.. working for the future. But I may just fuck it up.
I hope for a NON FUCKED UP, NORMAL family of my own.
I want my own business so badly, but I don't know how and what.
Labels: family
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