Monday, August 23
Wheeeeeeeee stream of consciousness~~
I finished a book. Catcher in the rye by JD Salinger. There was no plot but I liked it. It was hella funny and I liked the way he wrote it. I get influenced by books really easily. Half the books in my life I've read are Roald Dahl, so I write a hell lot like him. I want to be funny like him. I'm not a reader. I wish I was. I wish I was the person who's read tons of intellectual books but I couldn't even get past the 20th page of
1984. So I don't read books.
Anyway, I think I am a loser at the moment. I'm pretty depressed. At the start of the year I was an even bigger loser, so I guess I should comfort myself in the fact that I am less of a loser, since 1. I no longer get on the computer 2. I have a life 3. I've grown closer to my friends 4. My music collection has grown 2x and I am so in love with it 5. I no longer give a fuck about trying to fit into my class.
But I am still a loser.
I am not saying this so that people can tell me musho you are not a loser. I
really do think I am a loser. So don't bother telling me I'm not, because I am seriously not looking for that. Just listen why.
My grades suck, I don't attend lessons, when I do I sleep and don't pay attention, I can't study I really can't, I'm dumber than lots of my friends, I have loads of pimples now, I just cut my hair really short, I am fat and I am unhealthy. I think I spend my dad's dough like nobody's business because he lets me do whatever I want. I feel kinda depressed.
I went to my uncle's house for dinner and I wish I had a family like that. They have a grand dinner every fucking day, wtf.
Anyway, just realized I haven't done close to 40 tutorials. Exam's in a month. You're supposed to do all your tutorials plus some extra revision stuff damn it. And I haven't even touched my lecture notes. I don't even know what they are about because unowat? I FELL ASLEEP IN/SKIPPED MY CLASSES. Seriously I am screwed. I hope I promote I really hope so. I have to buck up and study like crazy. I don't know if I should ask my friends to teach me stuff.
But guess what? I can't study now. I take 2 hours to do one example question on my math lecture notes. I get distracted drawing, thinking, talking, eating, sleeping... And I just hate studying. And I should be doing my PW now but here I am talking about how much of a loser I am.
I can't fit into a pair of old shorts anymore. It's proof.. proof that I'm fat. Damn it, I can't even delude myself anymore. I can't wear my girly tees or denim shorts and I got to wear guy stuff. I need new skirts because I got so much fatter. My FBTs, they slip up my fat butt. I tried to do sit ups but guess what? After doing 30 on my bed I got knocked out. I just went to sleep. Know what's best? My boobs didn't grow one bit. Fat and ugly is what I am. (I mean it. If you don't think I am fat.. well... you haven't seen the parts I've hidden successfully then. I'm great at hiding.)
Pimples? Meh, they kill me. You know they do. Sleeping with egg white on your face helps, but still, they keep coming. Glad they love me. Thanks for making me feel like not looking at anyone pimples.
I really like my music but I feel like a poser. At times, I have to listen to a song many times to love it. I feel like a poser when that happens. Sometimes I get all indie elitist then I resent myself for that.
I wish I could be one of those confident people but I just tell me not to be confident because I may delude myself. I will never be happy with myself. As long as I don't get good grades, have a shitty face and body, I will look down on myself, forever. Yeah, and I still do think I am a loser. Right now, anyways. I'm pretty depressed.
I know I was special. Just not special enough..
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