Wednesday, December 22
Lulu said that five years ago she was mighty protective of me, because people kept saying things about me and she felt that she had to defend me somehow. I won't blame those people. I was mean and evil and bad. I gave them more than a million reasons to badmouth me. I was just a child, still oblivious about how screwed up I was. Lulu knew that something was off about me but she couldn't quite figure out what. It was only until a year later that I revealed minor details about my family.
Now.
I am eighteen, trying to forget that the past ever happened. But the marks are there.
I want to be normal, and do you know deep inside I am so scared that part of my mother is in me. I am so scared that I still have abnormal traits, and trust me if i ever find out I am
I will kill it. I have been killing all the abnormalities I possessed ever since I left home, changing, changing, changing. I only had such a short time to make things right. But it's still not enough.
They are still at it. Before school ended, anyway. And I don't blame them, because I DID give them reasons to attack me. Dear class, I do like a whole bunch of you, lots of you have been nicer to me than what I actually deserve. But I know a few of you cannot stand me. I can tell by the judging sneers you shoot me when I do something stupid, and I hear about what you say about me. Don't worry about it anymore. I will do my best to disappear.
Another thing I learnt from lulu: I realized that the stuff I do may have come across as attention seeking.
For example, when I went onto the rooftop to blow bubbles. There was only one thought in my mind. It was this: I want to blow bubbles on the roof because it will make me happy and I want to see the bubbles sparkle in the sunlight. What happened? People thought I was going to commit suicide.
Did I ever want
attention when I did stupid things?
Honestly, I don't think so. I just wanted to be happy.
Maybe I did. Am I in denial?
I don't think so.
I didn't want attention.
Well, I don't know.
Who cares? I know for sure that NOW I don't want any fucking attention. No more. I don't want to give you chances to attack me. It
hurts me. I'm frightened of you. I'm frightened of you judging me, of what you think. I don't want to face you. I don't want you to notice me anymore.
Part of me argues: WHO CARES WHAT THESE STRANGERS THINK? THEY AREN'T YOUR FRIENDS. But that's just teenagerish. It's not your life. It's not all about you. Your friends may be too polite to point out what's wrong with you, so it's your responsibility to correct your mistakes so that you don't affect other people.
Emotionally I may have matured a bit. I am not scared of being alone. I appreciate company, but I do not crave it nor do I need it. In other words,
I am perfectly OK by myself. Could this be a permanent change or just temporary or could it be a sign of me slowly beginning to isolate myself from this world? IDEK. But I still love my friends and I value the closeness I have forged with them.
I'm not scared of losing people any longer. I don't know if this makes me more of an uncaring soul, but hey, it's better than being all insecure and whiny.
Do you remember the text I sent a teacher which said 'FUCKING TEACHERS?' Well, I was having gaming withdrawal symptoms; I was addicted! It was so foolish of me. Now I know it's something I will not do again. I have changed too much for that. I can live a day without saying a single '
fuck!' and I really hope this change is here to stay.
Since I'm on antibiotics, no new pimples, not much insecurity or pissy mood. I still bear resentment at my mother for not letting me fix my teeth, but I try to take my mind off my insecurity regarding my looks.
I am not miserable. I'm fine! Sometimes, I can even be happy :)
This is what I am going to try to do.
1. Make mature decisions, do the right thing.
2. Stop saying and doing stupid things, so they don't attack me.
3. Blend in unnoticed.
It's going to be hard, because my mind is not something i can control very well. I find myself being rude, insensitive and weird at times. I will try to stop it. I need to be more observant, be less self-absorbed.
As much as I try not to, I know I'll probably do stupid things again, so I apologize to you all in advance. Please pay me no mind. I don't want to exist to you. When I do something stupid that makes me happy, please let me stay in my bubble of happiness. Don't attack me. Don't talk about me. I'm still a child at heart.
Truth is, I am confused. I don't know how I can still be myself after all this, but I really cannot take this bullshit anymore.
I need to be a better person.
Ok, got to wrap up. What about this blog? You know, I just want to share all the cool stuff with people who chance upon my blog. There's so much cool stuff going on that I am just bursting to share with everyone, so I just post it here. It's for sharing. It's to release my anger. At least now I only post when I feel like sharing stuff.
So am I craving for attention? I don't think so, but I may be in denial. I'm always considering the fact that I'm in denial. I don't know haha. It's for you to judge. That, I'm not going to care. I just want to keep my blog and continue to share. (yey rhyme)
Labels: MYSELF
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