I am Musho / Xinni and I am an artist, designer and programmer. I'm a Singaporean living in California as a designer at Google. I blog about my art, music, shows, games, beauty stuff, school and a lot of personal events in my life. You will feel awkward reading this if you know me.

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featured art

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Likey

meow miau mew nyeow moew

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I have changed. Do not use these to judge me.

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NUS notes

useful stuff.

♣ ♣ Resources ♣ ♣
HERE are my semester's files in separate zipped folders.

✐ Handmade notes ✐
NM2101 notes
PH1102e notes
SJ's CS1231 summary
CS3240 notes

Tagboard

quack

Burning out
Between me and my therapist

"I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard but I don't feel fulfilled. I'm never satisfied."

"You're spreading yourself too thin."

"I know that. But I don't know what to do. I want to be successful at so many things."

"You have to give something up."

"I can't give anything up. I wanna do all of them. I want to do well at my job, I want to keep doing artist alleys and have an art store and launch a webcomic and be known on all the social media, also I haven't coded in a while I need to start coding again-"

"You're burnt out. Do you know what happens when people burn out? Their work loses quality. If you can't focus or be present on one thing, you can't do it well."

"I want to do all of them. I'll... I'll find a way."





Successful art
Every day after work, I feel utterly exhausted.

I try to work on my goals, but end up watching TV because I just can't. 
Every second I'm not working, even hanging out with friends, makes me feel bad and guilty. And incompetent.


Art should be a hobby I love.


I never wanted to turn it into work. That was my biggest fear. I'm destroying the thing I love because I turn everything into work.

This is because I'm so focused on successful outcomes. I've always drawn because it's what made people praise and recognize me. It helped me connect with people in my difficult days. It is such a huge part of my identity and I will always seek external validation for it. I don't believe art has value if no one cares, so I literally can't enjoy the process unless I think people will like it.

I'm all about successful results. Optimizing my time. I'm turning myself into a product. Quantifying my success in likes, follows, views, acceptances into conventions.

I'm more aware and critical of my shortcomings, and every rejection confirms them. I will never be "successful" like the great artists I envy, which turns me off from my work even more.

Logically, I know all this is bad for me.

If I could just remember the great times I had with art. How I made genuine connections through this journey. How I once believed I was invincible and good at this. I want to believe that my art has some value even if it doesn't get 54000 likes. I'm not close to giving up, but I really want to remember being happy with art again.




Not giving up
I've been thinking a lot about my last post.
Remember how I said literally no one I know keeps a blog and a tagboard anymore?

And I wonder WHY HAVEN'T I MOVED ON FROM THINGS?



Why am I still blogging, even though I clearly suck at being consistent?

Everybody's shifted to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I have to keep up with those too, especially when I'm overseas now.

A blog requires so much effort to maintain. I don't know how many people still read it and if my time is better spent elsewhere.

I still don't want to stop blogging.
This is the realest I can ever be.
Everything on Facebook and Instagram is so carefully curated. And I still need this blog because there are thoughts I can't compress in a 140 char tweet.

My blog, and you readers, were there for me during a tough time, so even though I don't know how many are remaining I don't want to disappear on you. I have a great support network IRL, but I can't bear to abandon this place because it was once my only place I could go!!



Why am I still drawing, even though it makes me miserable? 

Like I said, art is a huge part of my identity. Yet, I have so much baggage and low self esteem.

But there are people out there I have once inspired. People out there who still like my work.

There are so many cool things I've yet to create.
And for that I'm not giving up. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ



...
Would life have been better if I gave up more things?

I don't know. I still have a passion for writing, drawing, designing and coding. Deep down I know I can only master one, but FUCK I WANT TO DO IT ALL.

I'm a frickin' PASSION HOARDER :(


HELP.



My goals.
OK, so this is a summary on what I'm trying to work on.

🔴 1. MY JOB
My job is rewarding, but working at Google requires me to think really hard!!!! Whatever I come up with affects millions of people and also I have meetings and talking to people makes me tired. I AM ALSO STRESSED BECAUSE PEOPLE HERE ARE SO SMART AND TALENtED AND I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE ONE OF THEM TO FIT IN

MY JOB WILL ALWAYS BE MY TOP PRIORITY. 
I NEVER WANT TO SUCK AT IT. (⋋▂⋌)

I have grand plans to be a director of design and have my own company and I'm working towards it.

I just want to make stuff great for people who use YouTube *ahem* This literally means the same thing as "I just want to do job". People get it already Musho.


🔴 2. MY WEBCOMIC
I HAVE BEEN POURING MY HEART AND SOUL INTO THIS.


Lots of sleepless nights thinking about it since last year.


BASICALLY.

I love technology.
I love storytelling.
I love art.

WHAT DO U GET?

WEBCOMIC 
ABOUT 
TECHNOLOGY!!!!!!!



I want to launch a webcomic and post it up on Webtoon, Tapastic, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Imgur, Discord, Instagram etc. WEEKLY.

I just finished my first episode and it took me weeks.
ARGH.

I will need to be fast. I will need to be consistent.
I have so much feelings and I hope these feelings will drive me.

My plan is to draw 5 episodes, dump them in a Google Form and survey people to get their feedback.

I will probably post a link to the form here, so PLEASE READ IT AND GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS IT REALLY MEANS THE WORLD TO ME TO HAVE YOUR SUPPORT. This is really big to me (even though I haven't launched it yet) and I really hope to get it out soon T_T


🔴 3. ART, ANIME CONVENTIONS, ONLINE STORE
I started an online store to sell my merch and artwork this year.
I've gotten some sales and all 5 star reviews so far :)
It makes me super happy when people post them up and tell me how delighted they are when they get them.

I haven't drawn any new designs but I will soon because I have Anime Expo in Los Angeles in July!

I've also put in my best effort to grow my social media following.
So I post my art on 10+ different surfaces now. Including facebook, instagram, twitter, pinterest, G+, reddit, discord, ameba etc.


🔴 OVERALL
With my personal, art, and upcoming webcomic,
I WILL BE MANAGING 30+ SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS.
AUUUUURGHHHGASDJAHGSHJAFF
WHYYYYYYYYYYASHJGAHJSGHJADSAGh!$*(^&##@@@


So you can understand what my therapist is telling me.
Obviously, I'm working on how I can possibly handle all of this. I'm already burning out, and I fear everything I put out is shit.
If I have to give up something, it'll probably be my art. Or my webcomic, whichever is more of a failure.

But please, wish me luck.
I will return with a more positive post (hopefully) next time!


Photos 




I got a Nintendo Switch and I'm playing Kirby Star Allies with my bf. This is an awesome game and I highly recommend. I feel so overpowered in this game. So relaxing and enjoyable. AND I LOVE GAMING ON a GIANT CURVED OLED TV WITH A ROBUST SOUND SYSTEM

Labels: anxiety, art, burnout, busy, cat, life, MYSELF, Selfies, webcomic, work

I don't know if anyone can identify with me, but I'm going to ramble about something about myself I wish I could fix.

I'm never happy.

I have high expectations, but low confidence in myself. I get stressed and anxious before important events, like job interviews, final presentations and exams. To the point of getting panic attacks (hyperventilation, insomnia, vomiting, exhaustion etc).

Everything I do these days seems forced. I can only be productive in the face of deadlines. I force myself to work to the point of burning out and right before the important moment, I don't have the energy to continue.

I feel like I am working hard, but have accomplished nothing at all.




Recent example - my art.

• AFA Merch preparations

Lately, I've been feeling inadequate and down about my art.

I love making merch for people. I draw to make people happy. When people buy and use my work, I feel like a piece of me is with them and I'm happy. The feeling when I finish a piece of art cannot be compared to anything else. 

I procrastinated and started preparing for AFA pretty late. So, I turned down ALL invites to hang out, and locked myself at home to draw as much as possible. But every missed deadline I set for myself makes me feel like a failure. I'm burned out now and feel the need to rant.



Just recently, I posted one of my merchandise (above) on a group chat for feedback. One person in the chat commented that my art always felt commercial and lifeless to him. This hurt a lot. This is the same person who, two years ago, complained that I always draw the same thing and I should draw different things. He continued to tell me what I should be doing as an artist.


But his words still ring in my ears every day and affects me. It still stings that he said it in front of 20 people and not one friend defended me .__.

But anyway, I decided to reflect on why he said that, and take away something good from his words. I'll remind myself to draw more things I like in the future without thinking about whether it is sellable.

For now, I'm concentrating on the event, and I'll draw for people, not myself. I'll start early next time. 

• Getting my art stolen then ignored

I designed a very popular character for a non-profit student organization, let's call them Cat Club. Cat Club printed and sold my work without my knowledge. They created their own substandard versions of my designs and sold them as well. Without my knowledge.

After I repeatedly called for change, finally they sent one person to talk to me about it. I told them I want to help design things for our main beneficiaries. Because they love it, and I would do this for free, if it made people happy.


Angry that all my efforts to collaborate with them fell on deaf ears, I quit the group and heavily considered sueing the hell out of everything. Luckily, one of the members of the groups spoke to me and took over the communications; she has since kept me updated on things.



I wish I was more well-known for my art.
I would not have to rely on event deadlines and stress myself out, I can put anything up online and it would get tons of likes (which equals human approval that I unhealthily rely on) and sales.

I don't want to abandon it for my career ever again. I haven't drawn properly for a year. When I stop practicing, it's hard to regain the passion and flow and I have to force myself. But afterwards, it's always worth it.


* * *

Back to my constant feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness: even when I achieve something I've always dreamt of, I'll be happy for 1-2 days.

And then I'm back to the "not-good-enough" state again. No matter what. I feel guilty when I'm not working. It's as if meeting a high expectation of mine is "normal", and failing is "depressing".



Does anybody feel this way too? Why can't I let myself enjoy my break?
If you read all the way... thank you for listening to my whining.

Labels: MYSELF, personal

Lulu said that five years ago she was mighty protective of me, because people kept saying things about me and she felt that she had to defend me somehow. I won't blame those people. I was mean and evil and bad. I gave them more than a million reasons to badmouth me. I was just a child, still oblivious about how screwed up I was. Lulu knew that something was off about me but she couldn't quite figure out what. It was only until a year later that I revealed minor details about my family.

Now.
I am eighteen, trying to forget that the past ever happened. But the marks are there.
I want to be normal, and do you know deep inside I am so scared that part of my mother is in me. I am so scared that I still have abnormal traits, and trust me if i ever find out I am I will kill it. I have been killing all the abnormalities I possessed ever since I left home, changing, changing, changing. I only had such a short time to make things right. But it's still not enough.

They are still at it. Before school ended, anyway. And I don't blame them, because I DID give them reasons to attack me. Dear class, I do like a whole bunch of you, lots of you have been nicer to me than what I actually deserve. But I know a few of you cannot stand me. I can tell by the judging sneers you shoot me when I do something stupid, and I hear about what you say about me. Don't worry about it anymore. I will do my best to disappear.

Another thing I learnt from lulu: I realized that the stuff I do may have come across as attention seeking.



Did I ever want attention when I did stupid things?
Honestly, I don't think so. I just wanted to be happy.
Maybe I did. Am I in denial?
I don't think so.
I didn't want attention.
Well, I don't know.


Who cares? I know for sure that NOW I don't want any fucking attention. No more. I don't want to give you chances to attack me. It hurts me. I'm frightened of you. I'm frightened of you judging me, of what you think. I don't want to face you. I don't want you to notice me anymore.

Part of me argues: WHO CARES WHAT THESE STRANGERS THINK? THEY AREN'T YOUR FRIENDS. But that's just teenagerish. It's not your life. It's not all about you. Your friends may be too polite to point out what's wrong with you, so it's your responsibility to correct your mistakes so that you don't affect other people.

Emotionally I may have matured a bit. I am not scared of being alone. I appreciate company, but I do not crave it nor do I need it. In other words, I am perfectly OK by myself. Could this be a permanent change or just temporary or could it be a sign of me slowly beginning to isolate myself from this world? IDEK. But I still love my friends and I value the closeness I have forged with them.

I'm not scared of losing people any longer. I don't know if this makes me more of an uncaring soul, but hey, it's better than being all insecure and whiny.

Do you remember the text I sent a teacher which said 'FUCKING TEACHERS?' Well, I was having gaming withdrawal symptoms; I was addicted! It was so foolish of me. Now I know it's something I will not do again. I have changed too much for that. I can live a day without saying a single 'fuck!' and I really hope this change is here to stay.

Since I'm on antibiotics, no new pimples, not much insecurity or pissy mood. I still bear resentment at my mother for not letting me fix my teeth, but I try to take my mind off my insecurity regarding my looks.
I am not miserable. I'm fine! Sometimes, I can even be happy :)

Labels: MYSELF

First driving lesson on tuesday happy happy~

Lol, I don't think anybody will read this cos it's a boring chunk of crap and I'm just some.. average teen with an average blog so I'm probably just talking to myself.

Gracechua isn't mad at me, the end. She said stuff to make me reflect. I certainly did. Y'know, I think I'll probably keep continuing doing dumb stuff so she better brace herself for more misdemeanors of mine. Apparently I have a completely different code of conduct from others but I have to keep to theirs. Fine, I'll try to behave.


Anyway, I've had this problem for my whole life. Recently people have been mentioning it to me and it's coming back to haunt me again. I guess I left it alone for too long and I have to face it. But I do not know what to do.


I happen to be reaaaaally bad at body language.

I fuck up every first impression I give.
I promise you I have NEVER given anybody a good first impression my whole life :)
I have never gotten out of an interview feeling unshitty, too.

I cannot look people in the eye. I retreat from people.


--------------------------------------------*

REASONS
1. Gracechua says I don't trust people, hence I don't want them to see what I'm thinking. ...Not quite. It's actually the opposite.

2. I don't want to face what they are thinking.

3. Eyes medically certified weak.

4. I don't want them to read me wrongly. Usually I have no mean or evil thoughts but what if they think from my gaze I am hatin' at them because I have shitty eyes?!!

*--------------------------------------------

You probably realized it by now. I don't look at you when I talk to you unless I've known you for so long I trust you won't judge me. Or I just don't care.

If I've known you for very long and I still don't look you in the eye, you're 1) probably a critical person and I'm scared of your criticism, or 2) I care to keep you so much that I'm scared of finding out that you may actually hate me.


I cannot take criticism. People know that. My self esteem, it's already in the negatives. Lowering it more will only harm my emotions a lot. No one dares to criticize me, and I know that because no one has been doing it unless they are just blunt. I also find it hard to accept criticism, so people probably don't see the point and leave me to screw myself up.

And once you criticize me, it stays in my mind, for a very long time.. and I make myself believe it. You can't take it back because I will believe you are doing it just to unhurt my feelings.



When I listen to someone bitch, when I listen to someone criticizing others, or being mean to others, or telling others they are only pretending to be XXX's friend, I... I get really, very scared. I think, if they do this XXX, they WILL do this to me too. And.. everyday people do that. I get so scared. I don't understand how it will make you a better person if you do all that.

It's very easy to gain my trust but it's easier to lose it. You never really get it back when you lose it. I can trust someone new very much, but I never give myself away completely. I'm pretty private, but lol, I bet this is normal cos no one shows 100% of their true self right?




I always stop myself. Every time I want to open up, a bazillion questions pop in my head. Here. Are they looking at my pimples? Is my fringe perfect? I screwed up cutting it yesterday. Are my spectacles in the perfect position such that they won't enhance the ugliness of my eyes? Maybe I should get contacts. How's the lighting - will it make my eyes look terrible? If I talk too much won't my spit fall onto them? Argh, my breath smells like sour milk, better cover mouth and not look. Will they find me irritating if I say this? Will they take offense if I say this? Is my pronunciation correct? What if they think my English sucks. I wonder if I look ugly from the side. I wonder if they disapprove of what I'm doing right now. Are my eyebrows too bushy - I should shape them gosh. Are my shoulders tense again? Are my legs fat?  Shit, they think I'm ugly, I know it. Shit. I want to die now. What are they thinking now? Why are they looking at me?! WHY? STOP LOOKING... I wonder if I did something and if they hate me now and are just pretending just to entertain me I should leave now-


Why do you think I communicate so much better over text? I don't have to waste 99% of my brain capacity worrying about all this!


And when you are nice to me, you do stuff for me even though I have no @^$#*!^ idea why (which happens a lot -.-), I will start telling myself this. "This person is just friendly or plain kind and (s)he probably will do this for other people too. They aren't actually too concerned about you. Be nice to the people who are nice to you and move on" Then I will hide. I'm scared of developing any reliance on anybody because it's NEVER good to feed off someone for happiness. That person will only leave you eventually because they'll be bored of you. Then you will have nothing.

And my experience has actually proved all this right.
When people leave me, I don't go looking for them.
My ego is way too high up above the scale, for that.

I'm so sorry.
I'm scared of people. I'm really frightened of crowds.
Their thoughts, their intentions, their rejections.

Sometimes I wish I had the world to myself and the animals.
That's why I want to have a farm when I grow up.

That's why I seek comfort in being with animals, especially cats.
They won't cast judgments on me.

This.. distrust, this hiding.. it cost me lots.
I lost .. so much.

*lesigh*
I want to please everybody but I'm just so bad at it....

.
.

And,
How can you help me when I don't listen..?

Labels: MYSELF

This is good.


Tagged by cm!
Almost all of the things I currently know about myself in 30 points.
This also means IT IS BORING
justliketherestofthisblogwhyareyoureadingit?!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 30 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 30 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I hate pimples

2. I really love cats ^^! And my music!

3. I am anal about cleanliness, but not as much as before.

4. I like to make everything I own pretty or scented or decorated. I like to improve on things.

5. I cut my own hair. I own three scissors for doing so. And I always screw it up.

6. I am very very very frightened of rejection.
And abandonment, ignorance and failure.

7. I never initiate conversations on MSN due to 6, unless I have something important to say. Even if I really, really, badly need to talk to you, I wait for you to start it. 
I have never added anyone on MSN. 
I never friend request anyone on facebook (unless you're my classmate)

8. Still, ironically, I am 100 times more extroverted online. (so you can guess how socially awkward I am IRL) Sadly most people really get to know me online. I don't mind opening up to anyone.

9. I don't mind (it makes me happy even) if people strike up random conversations with me just for the sake of talking about nonsense or about their problems. It shows that they are opening up to me. There is always something to know more about. I think I'm quite accepting.

10. I am open and honest with what i say (to everyone). I will answer the most outrageous questions honestly. But you can't judge me on my body language because it doesn't reflect what I feel about you.

11. I own more than 42 hairties. I own TONS of skincare products. TONS!!! Damn I'm running out of space

12. I own my own set of makeup, I experiment with it frequently but I don't wear it out.
Non comedogenic concealer, liquid eyeliner (they don't smudge) and bb cream is on my to buy list. I have friends to discuss makeup with and it makes me happy :DDDD! I can name almost every single brand there is and tell you how good it is and if they test on animals (:

13. I don't dare to look at people in the eyes because I think I am ugly and I can't keep eyecontact for long due to my tired eyes.

14. I am very familiar with clothing, stationery, art material and car brands.

15. I pick up random litter on the streets and bin them to make the place I walk on cleaner and nicer looking.

16. Why do I care so much about how I look when how other people's looks do not matter at all to me? Because people are only ever about looks.. right? ._.

17. I am not vain: I am insecure.
To be vain you need a certain level of prettiness which i sadly do not meet.

18. My jacket is always with me; it keeps me secure.

19. I learnt french, japanese and german once.

20. 6 years ago I could do splits.

21. Life motto: Do whatever I like as long as I don't harm anybody. I try my best not to do or say anything that hurt people's feelings. I try not to take lives.

22. I change very often. I am very extremely disgusted at my past self.

23. I try not to judge people. I want to like everyone. However, I frequently access the coolness factor of people I meet. Coolness points awarded based on:
Common interests (art,animals,food..)
Knowledge of internet memes
Music taste
Intelligence
Way of talking
Talent
EQ
sense of humour
sincerity

24. I dislike letting go of things I'm familiar with, hence I am not good with inconsistent people.

25. I use facebook to stalk people.

26. I am !NEVER! bored. I always have a list of things to keep myself busy with. I have to multitask.

27. I do not look down on anybody. There's something special about everyone!

28. I dislike the existence of rumours about anybody. Especially if they are scandalous.

29. I remember every single good thing someone says to and does for me and I will try to pay back. Sadly I also remember the bad things.

30. I am terribly unhealthy. I just won't step out of my comfort zone.


....

Hmm, that's about it. I went to cosfest today and other things happened. Well, I'll blog about it soon. With pictures.

Labels: MYSELF

Hi, what is a blog for if not to whine and complain???

I actually ran 2.4km today for NAPFA. With 4 hours of sleep and no meal for 12 hours and didn't drink water beforehand.

I failed. I clocked 20+++mins LOL.
Failed by 4 minutes... That's 3 minutes worse than last year.

I started crying due to the fucking pain in my tummy and legs in the 3rd round. So embarassing.......................

Thank you lj, zipbra and mama for trying to run with me get me to run with you... Sorry I couldn't run. It was very draining and it hurt....
女儿真的很失败。。。
公公，对不起 T_T

After the run my face was seriously #ff0000 man. No one, NO ONE goes as #ff0000 as me when they run 2.4 please. I went into chem lecture looking like a tomato. I must be ultra unhealthy.

And it's not like my body is crap or anything. I have longer legs than most (even the teacher said that my stride was excellent) so it all boils down to my laziness and unhealthiness and my refusal to do any form of physical activity. And maybe my $5 shoes.

Tomorrow, I'm going to have trouble climbing out of bed and walking to school or walking anywhere. And I am going to limp for 2 whole weeks like i did after 2.4 last year. I think I may need to get people to help me with the shit load of stuff I bring every day to school.

I'm such a physical failure now. Lost the ability to do splits, and i took one fucking year to master it and now it's gone because i didn't practice. Can't bend my back to touch the ground anymore. Damn inflexible. What kind of shit ex chinese dancer is this lmao.

Shit.
...at least i tried today. ^_^!!!!


OKIE!! IT WAS RAINING TODAY!!
So i brought my froggy umbrella to school.




I really love my froggy umbrella because
1. It is froggy
2. It is froggy!!
3. It is froggy!!!!1!!!!!1

And I am very proud that I own a froggy umbrella.

About 8 people complimented my froggy umbrella today, whoa, thanks so much man!!!

someone: hey! xinni!
me: *turns*
someone: nice umbrella!
me: I KNOW!!

This sounds gay right, I mean most of the time people compliment your shoes or something, but I get happy when people like my umbrella.

I even open froggy umbrella in classrooms when it's not raining because it is too cute not to open!!!! ^-^ OK, basically, these are the top five things in the world that i love to show off:

1. My ability to do water droplet beatbox sounds
2. My panda bag
3. My froggy umbrella
4. My super bimbotic pink and gold hello kitty bag which i sadly don't use anymore
5. My ability to sing NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP and PUT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR and other stupid songs.

Yay! Please rain more often so that I can bring froggy umbrella to school again!!

Sometimes it makes me very sad because I miss the feeling of hugging my bro to sleep or holding his hand to sleep. You know how you feel safe and secure if you touch someone when you're gonna sleep?? Like no monster is gonna take you away and stuff. That is, if you used to sleep with your sibling..
But it's out of my circumstances to do anything now. I can't go back home, that'd be screwing myself over..
I am used to be living alone already anyways.

And I can't move back to boarding school, because there are 7 people on the waiting list. Damn it, I want to move back in with you kintan, i miss talking cock with you everyday and walking around the room in underwear. 
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I am lonely. I am lonely. I want to move back, damn it. Fuck. Why do i always find something to cry about.

I'm scared. The future freaks me out.
I'm letting that go. I will try to. It is hard but I will try.

 ...
......
.........
OK, I have not studied for the math lecture test tomorrow and here I am writing a bunch of crap. Please kill me now.
I hope they don't ask me to reset my calculator or all of calculatorguy's cool programs will be gone and I will be extremely saddened.

Labels: MYSELF

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