Thursday, June 2
a neverending rant.
I fought with my mum.
So on tuesday I taught my brother how to write expository essays and how to differentiate. It was good, he said "I've never solved so many math questions with so little difficulty before!" After that we went shopping ... for his assessment books. I constructed a study plan for him and it was all good because he got the computer out of his life and was willing to study.
The next day, he texted me.
"
Don't fucking blame me if I fail my next exam. I have no fucking study environment and that fucking cheebye mother drains all my motivation away. go Fucking blame her if u want"
Well then I asked him what happened and if I should speak to her.
He said that she "distract me, rage at me, scream vulgarities at me and demoralize me".
I said not to listen to her '
mad woman's bullshit' and told him to get daddy to sneak him out (i.e. help him run away like I did) so that he could study in peace. For just five months, mind you.
Guess what, she had to read my brother's text messages.
Then of course she got real pissed and called me. She spoke in a calm tone and asked me to listen to her. Then she told me of all the things she did for my bro and all the shitty things that he did, which I have alr reprimanded him for. Like she tookaway dinner for him one night. (Leaving him to starve for many other nights?!)
Then she said there was no point in me running away since my teacher's testimonials were still 'lousy'.
Which I find puzzling because ever since I left home my teachers contacted only my daddy. Also, in sec 4 my average marks increased by ~20 marks and majority of the teachers were pleased with me. I graduated with an MSG of 1.8, which is an avg A1-A2. It is evident that I have improved ever since I left.
It quickly escalated into her scolding me for taking my IC back.
And other things which will bore you even more so let's stop here.
...
What is the point of telling me what she has done for my brother? All the things she described were either ineffective or what mothers are supposed to do.
She stole my IC when I was sleeping and gave it to my grandpa for 'safekeeping'! What kind of screwed logic is that, take my IC and blame me for wanting it back??! I needed my IC to take my driving test and my SAT -.-
So I quarreled with her because
IT IS MY BLOODY IC IT IS MINE!!1 I HAD A RIGHT TO TAKE IT BACK. It turned into a shouting match, and she told me to shut up, so I hung up and turned my phone off. 9 missed calls, that night.
...
In summary, my brother will not do well and his whole future will be ruined thanks to my mum.
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My brother is taking bloody NINE subjects. O levels are in 5 months.
That's trip science, history and geog. TWO MORE THAN NORMAL.
It is evident that he can't take so many. Yet my mother won't let him drop bio.
He has no place to study in the house and has to do work on the filthy mattress.
My mother, when in the house, will demoralize and disturb him and scream at him.
I've been through it. It is not good.
It is not good at all.
I don't know how to help him anymore. I feel terrible and guilty. It's very hard for him to run away now.
Like how an element's first ionization energy is less than its second ionization energy. When I ran away, it was OK because my mum still had my brother. If she loses my brother, things will get ugly. She'll go berserk. Even murder my dad if he doesn't spill out my brother's location. I'm not joking. My brother and I once lived in fear that she'll murder the whole family one day.
I feel like I've abandoned them by running away.
Here I am, surfing the internet on my cozy bed.
My dad is still sleeping on the dirty floor.
They always had the shorter end of the stick. They never fought or demanded for more, unlike me. I always took all I could get. Because we were offered so little.
All I wanted was normalcy. Or something close to that.
Was I to blame for being the only one who fought her?
I got beaten up naked for turning on the heater. They lived without it.
They got the cockroach ridden floor to sleep on. I demanded to sleep on the sofa, which was still cockroachy but not as bad.
They used soap from the rubbish bins she insisted on making us use. I refused and bought my own, and had to hide them from her.
When I was young I didn't know things and I followed mum. I had a part of my mother in me. My brother had to tolerate beatings from both my mum and me. I hit my brother till he cried and pulled his hair like my mum did to me. Sometimes his head hit the floor and he would be hurt very badly and I'd be so scared and apologise. Then I'd hit him again a few days later. I was a shitty older sister. Yes, I feel fucking bad about it and I know I was very screwed up. He had a harder life than me. I cannot blame him for not performing as well as me (not that I did great).
My dad has suffered the most. He's the only one who can do something about it, but he chooses to lose thousands of dollars a month to her insane habits. I know it's because of her that he has high blood pressure.
The NY school counselor had the nerve to say "
Your situation isn't that bad. I've seen worse." Thanks, that gives you an excuse not to help me!
She had to say, "
You're only a child, no right to interfere, so just get a scholarship and move overseas and you don't need to see your parents for a long time!" As if I were only seeking help for
myself.
Bloody motherfucker.
People, you know that something is wrong when
your whole house looks like
this. When you have four houses looking like this and no one's there to stop it.
You know something is wrong when your mother goes out at 2am to search thru rubbish bins and brings trash home, forcing you to do it with her when you were young. You know something is wrong when you have to use used water from a mouldy tub to cleanse yourself. You know something is wrong when you have to get water from public water coolers, when you have to wash clothes in public toilets. When there's a huge rat in your house and hundreds of cockroaches. When you get beaten up till you bleed and vomit. There is something very wrong.
In fact, if you have read my Feb 2010 archive you'd have known by now, it's crazy there.
You must understand that there were many things we didn't have.
A bed. Hot water to bathe in. Clean clothes. A proper house. Dinner before 11pm. A table. A chair. A peaceful environment without someone screaming vulgarities for 4 hours straight.
Well, what about my brother now?
There is no reasoning with a mad woman.
Do I just sit there and watch?
Maybe I will rule out going overseas and get my own apartment and get him to stay with me no matter what. I just wish my dad ended all our suffering for us.
You must think that I hate her. I don't. She's my mother and I love her. People get really surprised when I say that and they think it's something great. I'm sorry if you think I'm glorifying myself but I can only say that I am being honest and documenting my past experience. Anyway, it's not great. Because if you were me you'd still love your mother too. I cannot explain it but it's a natural instinct. You just can't hate your own blood. Maybe I don't love her as much as you love your own mother but I definitely do not hate her. It's not her fault that she is deranged. She has good intentions, but she cannot see logic as long as she's mentally unstable.
I admit, I speak of her too often as a mad, wild animal. I need to see her as human, too. Okay, so I tried to put myself in her shoes. If I were her, I would be very hurt if my own child called me a '
mad woman' (assuming I am her, I won't be able to tell that I'm truly mad) So it was reasonable of her to be upset.
Even though she asked for it by checking my brother's inbox.
So would it be advisable to call her up and apologise to her, say something like "mum you aren't actually mad, i was just trying to pacify brother so I said it." and tell her gently not to scream or shout or say demoralizing things to my brother? For his sake? Would it work? Can I actually convince her to give my brother a
table and chair? It seems so far-fetched guys. I can't reason with someone who is so stubborn and violent. Can I? It'll just end up in a fight. It always does.
I need to do something to help him. Make up for all the horrible things I did to him when I was ten.
I'm really sorry if I appear to you as negative and whiny, even attention seeking/emo/self-glorifying/evil. This rant is by no means a post to make you sympathize with me or treat me like i'm a fragile being. It is very hard for me to pretend that everything is fine on my side, to deal with this silently and I just needed to write it down. But I am, for the most part, doing just fine.
foreveralonecookies
I will shape my cookies like this the next time I bake.
comic comic comic
Click here to view it!
^ On the bright side, i completed my comic strip.
randomness
THE NATIONAL IS COMING BACK TO PERFORM.
.....
.......
In the middle of my A levels.
One day before Chemistry Paper 3.
..........&@!^*&$@^*$^*@($@
By the way, are you all not tagging me because I'm posting hipster youtube videos/because I like justin bieber? I only like one song of his, by the way.
Labels: family
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