Tuesday, May 1
I just had the suckiest day for months. Family problems this time.
So, just a quick recap on what my family is like to let you understand my story better. My
mom is abusive and crazy and a compulsive hoarder (collects rubbish). Which is quite the understatement, because we now have 5 apartments/houses filled with her rubbish, and a sixth she just rented, about to be filled up. To get an idea about what each house is like, click
here. Considering how many people cannot afford rent in Singapore, you can probably guess how hard my pussy
dad has to work to support her habit, which costs ~$10000 a month. We own two of the houses, which could be rented out for really quite a lot. Because my mother is abusive (4x police involvements) and I can't live in that kind of environment, I had to move out 2 years ago. That's another place I have to rent. And not just that, my
brother and I went through a
lot of physical and emotional trauma. (I went through more because I was the stubborn one)
Because my brother is in JC right now and not doing that well (not his fault) I decided to live with him at least until his A levels end. When I was in the middle of finding an apartment for the both of us, my dad told me he rented
another apartment for my mother. I was
very upset.
Since I didn't want to waste any more of my dad's money, I took up my dad's suggestion of moving to one of the places my mom rented and currently not being used. So I cleared out all her stuff and got a cleaning company to clean it. And I was about to move in, until today.
The management of the condominium called my mom up and got one of their men to
drive my mom to the apartment when I was there. They were pissed because 1) I threw away their SPOILT telly and dryer 2) they thought my parents were sub letting it out. My dad did not tell me the place was rented out by the management and he told me it was okay to throw out spoilt stuff and I can buy them replacements.
Another thing my dad didn't tell me was that the lease was expiring in
2-3 months!!!!
....
Anyway I was really pissed off and told the management to shut up and that they don't understand the trouble they've caused me. I can't control my behavior when I'm really upset lol.
I got the expected "
Why did you throw away my XXXX and XXXXX you have to compensate me $5000 for the emotional distress" from my mom and everything. I decided to pretend my mom was sane and that I threw away diamonds or some precious shit and apologised until she was appeased. I brought her food too. I'm just glad she didn't beat me to a pulp. I think that's really nice of her. I really do. She was also quite upset I didn't tell her I got a boyfriend.
Turns out either way she's not letting me stay with my brother at that place. If I want to live with my brother, I need to move to the new place in
Thomson. She doesn't believe my brother can wake up. There is the risk of her moving in with us. And honestly, I don't really like there because it'll take me an hour+ to reach NUS, and it's a 40 minutes walk to the MRT. It's damn
ulu, even more ulu than the one I was going to live in. True, my brother will be able to reach school earlier, but I refuse to sacrifice everything in order to live with him. I don't want to live in a place whose only redeeming point is "
Brother can get to school early." I also don't want to move all the stuff I painstakingly put in my new place. Do you know my dad won't lift a finger to help me move? All work is done by me and boyfriend. I don't want to get used to a new place. Call me selfish, but there's only so much I can give. And my brother does not mind living at the original place; he just wants to get away from her.
And even though I don't want to do all this, I most probably am packing up all my stuff to that place in Thomson. I will keep an open mind and live there with my bro for maybe a month. And if I don't like it, I don't care, I will get a new place of my own.
Back to what happened today. So I decided to check out the Thomson place and my dad drove us there. Upon reaching there, my dad fell asleep. My mom started experiencing searing pains at her stomach so she told me to go over to the neighbours (complete strangers!) to get Panadol. I did. She took the panadol.
Then she tried to vomit in the kitchen.
She urinated on the floor.
I cleaned it up.
She went to lie down on the bed with her pee soaked pants.
I don't think I want that bed.
She said the pains felt like giving birth pains (i.e. damn bad) and told me to call an ambulance, so I did that too.
My dad woke up.
I went to the hospital with her, in the ambulance.
At the hospital ward, she peed on the floor again. She walked back to the bed, and I saw the pee footprints.
I put tissue on the floor to soak up the pee.
P.S. she has trouble controlling pee after giving birth apparently
Then it was 10pm so I left the hospital.
Now I'm at home blogging.
Wow.
What the actual fuck just happened?
At the hospital, I was holding my mother's hand as she groaned in pain. She was grateful for all I did, but I felt I was not doing enough. Throughout the entire course of events, my heart did not race once and I didn't feel those 'I don't want anything bad to happen to her, i don't want her to die' things. Idk how to explain it. Obviously I didn't want anything bad to happen to her and I didn't want her to die, but I just felt that as a proper daughter I should have worried more. I really don't know if I'm a heartless creature or that I simply cannot feel close to her normally because our relationship was never normal. In fact, the past two years, I only saw her four times. Other than bringing me life, she brought me a lot of pain. Is that a proper excuse for not feeling enough? I feel terrible, because even my dad was asleep the whole time she was in pain. I'll probably expect my husband to at least attend to me when I'm in that much pain. The only person she could rely on was me, the daughter who ran away from home. I felt true pity for her.
I dislike doing all these things behind her back - like throwing away her things and trying to get my brother to leave her too. Even though people who understand my predicament and that I have no choice assure me I'm doing the right thing, sometimes I put myself in her shoes (shoes of a mad lady who doesn't know she's mad) and feel sadness, because to her, the whole world's against her and she probably does not know why, because she thinks she's the sane one.
At the same time, I hate thinking about how the whole family could be $20000+ richer a
month and how good a life I can possibly lead if I had a sane mother. I
am definitely not in a position to spend a lot as the moment, if you are
thinking that my dad has a lot of money to spare now.
I feel sad for my father too, for obvious reasons. And angry at the same time, because he's to blame for not being firm and not trying hard enough to change my mom.
I
want to ignore my brother and my father and leave them alone and not
help them but I can't. I did nothing to cause this but because I am
family, I can't bring myself not to care.
I'm quite sad now because boyfriend just flew off to Australia on the worst possible day. I'm quite sad because my birthday is in 5 days and this is happening to me. I think my boyfriend's the person who understands what I'm going through the most and he's helping out the most too, by helping me move and driving me places I have to go. He has to tolerate my tendencies to cry at night. He spends a lot of time with me and today he was supposed to be with his best friend/brother I called him twice because I was so shaken. I'm a really troublesome and sucky girlfriend. I really hate that I need him to help me because I can't move all the boxes and furniture on my own. I feel helpless and burdensome. I thought I was independent and strong. I guess I'm not.
I don't tell my friends about these things, or at least not in much detail, because it's all such a long story since they're so many people involved. They're too busy and I don't want them to feel sad for me. And I'm also afraid they don't care/think I'm over dramatizing. There are too many feels involved.
I don't want pity now. I just want to express my sads. Let me express my sads and why I have sads.
Auurrrghhh. Crying buckets.
But yeah, things will get better.
I am listening to Fleet Foxes.
I have another interview next monday.
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