I am Musho / Xinni and I am an artist, designer and programmer. I'm a Singaporean living in California as a designer at Google. I blog about my art, music, shows, games, beauty stuff, school and a lot of personal events in my life. You will feel awkward reading this if you know me.

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rant?
I recently was in a phone call with my mom and finally told her why I wish to be as distant from her as possible. She took it badly and started crying.

I'm going to document my experience here just in case my dad finally sends her to a psychiatrist and I can just send them this list. Also, your tags help me validate my feelings. Why do I need a bunch of online strangers to validate my feelings? Iunno. But your comments help.

Anyway, first, I want to talk about a reddit post in r/hoarding that i DEEPLY related with. I was never able to meet anybody that had terribly abusive parents like my mother, and online stories were the only place I could find something close to what i went through.

And THAT exactly describes my mom - "manipulative hoarder".

Just that

• she is jobless and cannot even transport herself or buy herself food
• my mom was extremely physically abusive
• she is parasitic
• ...etc, which i will detail in this long post

Here's the home before I left it. Yeah... that's the FAMILY single mattress. Most of us slept on the floor. I think you can see 20% of it tho. It's covered in mostly trash my mom hoards. I had no bed of my own until I was 16.

playing the victim

"...mentioning anything about his habits leads to an endless tirade of verbal abuse and belittling, and how we're vulgar savages for picking on him. I mean literally, that's the stuff he says. No matter what, he always sees himself as the victim. Always. There's no fucking way you can talk sense into someone who always plays victim."

Right. So, this part. My mom ALWAYS plays the victim too! And he's right. YOU CANNOT FUCKING ARGUE WITH A PERSON WHO PLAYS THE VICTIM. They start hurling abuse at you once you try to point out a flaw. They rebuke with nonsensical reasons which leave you speechless and then they think they've won.

Like, every time I say she has to see a psychologist if she wants to help herself and her family, she gets livid and says my brother, my father and I are the ones who need to see one instead. We are the insane ones preying on her.

Or a more recent example is that phone call. I told her that I don't want to talk to her because she is an abuser, she ruined my childhood and our relationship is damaged beyond repair. She starts saying I'm so wicked, evil and manipulative and she doesn't ever remember abusing me. How can I treat my mother that way!

She says even if she did abuse me, I should be forgiving her. Then she threatened to kill herself for being a failure of a mother because she couldn't raise me to have a heart.

But waaaaait.... For all my childhood I was physically and emotionally abused every single day. And she doesn't remember?!? Dafuq???

After i recalled certain ways she abused me, she even started crying and sobbed, "Xinni, if I did that to you, I am so sorry. But why would I do that to you?" And, later she accused me of making it all up. Then, she told me, "I'm sure you will beat your child too." OHOHO. FUCK YOU MOTHER.

Way to devalue my suffering by saying I was making it up... And, ummm...... your own abuser should be the LAST person telling you to forgive them, right? She has even less right to demand forgiveness when SHE CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT SHE DID TO ME??

That's right.. She cannot remember:

• The time she went into the bathroom while I was showering to beat me up because I spent more than 5 minutes in the shower 'wasted water'. Then she shamed me for running out of the bathroom naked to the living room to escape her blows because I "shamelessly displayed" my naked body to my father. 

• The time she beat me up for turning on the heater

• The time she beat me up for trying to wash my clothes at home because I should not waste family's bills, I should wash my clothes at the public toilet downstairs

• The time she beat me til I screamed at the condominium stairwell, until the neighbours came

• The time neighbours called the police on her because they heard my screams of pain but she spoke sweetly to the police at the door claiming there's no one but her at home and she heard nothing at all :)

• The time my dad had to drive her to the police because she couldn't stop beating me and she started crying to the police how my dad beat her up (he was pushing her away to protect me), and then when the police let her go, she continued screaming at my dad and beating me.

• How she called me, a 12 year old child, a failure and prostitute every day when I had to repeat sec one, resulting in my utter shame for being a repeat. Now, I cannot feel right about myself if I don't get good grades.

• How she would scream abusive words at every waking hour and beat us up in PUBLIC

• The time she made 4-year old me kneel down for hours crying because I innocently told my grandmother that she likes to go downstairs to trawl rubbish bins with me 

• Oh yeah, all the time shes forced me, a child, to search rubbish bins with her at 11pm to bring rubbish up back home

• How she pushed 7-year old me onto a container of pencils that she stole which left permanent lead marks on my knee

• How she bit my arm and left black and purple bite marks that stank of her foul breath (she didn't brush teeth) that lasted for a week at least 

• How I had to wear a jacket all the time, avoid human contact, so that they won't see the scratches, bruises, bites, cane marks, nail-dig-scars on my arm.

• How I had to lie that I 'fell down' to protect her when asked about my scars

• The time she twisted my breasts and stomach until it turned black and blue

• The time she kicked my stomach repeatedly

• And the time she threatened to stab me with scissors 

Well, these are some of the things I can come up with at the top of my head. If you gave me DAYS to recall, I cannot do justice to all the suffering she put me through. I endured stuff like this every day, and do you think I could ever come out a normal child after all that...?

She loved to lie about other people, trying to turn us against each other. She even bitched about her own mother to me when I was just 6, poisoning my mind. She made her mother cry at least 3 times, in front of me.

She blames others for everything. "Why do I pick rubbish? Because papa won't give me money to buy furniture." (utter humongous LIE.) She is extremely dependent on my father, and says that men should do this, should do that. She assigns no responsibility to herself and hence she never progresses from anything. She cripples herself, and I hate that. It's so pathetic to see. She needs my dad to drive her everywhere and buy her food. She once was a teacher and has $400,000 in her bank account, yet my dad has to pay for everything, do everything, and take her parasitic shit on top of all that.

She did everything the ABSOLUTE wrong way. I mean, normal stuff like washing clothes at home was BANNED! When we didn't follow her way, she would turn violent and beat us up. It was the most shitty way to live. With a mental, violent hoarder, when you are only a child. 

And when you're a child, you just don't dare to let others know because you don't want to betray your own mother. My mother was so good at putting up pretenses (refer to 'police' above) that no one suspected she was like this. When they did, well I guess they just wanted to mind their business.

Will I do this to my own child? No. I'll just pray I won't become mental and violent like her.

stingy

"You know how fucking stingy and miserable he is? He wouldn't spend $80 fucking bucks to buy my brother his AP textbooks. In complete seriousness, I'm sure that night he probably blew a grand on himself."

Let me elaborate how my mother is similar to, even worse than, OP's dad:

• She refused to buy 50 cents exercise books when i was in primary school. Instead, she photocopied lined paper from my dad's office (because free) and I was laughed at in school because I had to hand in homework on A4 paper with photocopied lines on it 

• As mentioned earlier she would beat me up for doing normal things with water 

• We didn't even have beds and tables and chairs. The house was, literally, 100% rubbish from dust bins.

• Most of my textbooks in primary school were picked from rubbish bins

• She would bring 10-15 empty waterbottles to public water coolers to fill up, and that would be our water supply for the week

• She stole a book from a store because the owner refused to lower his price

• She was fired from a job because she was going through her boss' drawers to steal measly stationery. Then later blamed me for not keeping watch for her 

• She would beat me up for buying toiletries and forced us to use the ones she picked from rubbish bins

• My uniform was washed once every 1-2 months

You would think we were poor, but she was actually spending $8,000 - $15,000 a month renting 3-4 houses to support her hoarding. And my dad, well he's an enabler. Most lethal combination.

If it were just my brother and my dad, we would probably be living in a bungalow. She destroyed the family.

She did this under the excuse "We have to rent houses closer to your school, it is all for YOU."

Guilt

"I feel guilty for my dad, only because he'll never fucking understand. I want him to know why he's a piece of shit, otherwise he'll keep living like we're monsters and he's the best thing that ever happened to us. When he dies eventually, I want him to know he was a piece of shit, and to stop feeling sorry for himself."

This. Fucking this.

I even told her kindly that I know that she has the best intentions but she just puts her effort in the wrong things, but even that was taken the wrong way.

I feel guilty because this is happening because she is mental and depressed. She has an enablist husband who never forced her to undergo examination. That's why her condition worsens and worsens.

And I feel bad for that, but being in contact with her is highly toxic. And I cannot give any more place in my life to her.

She can't stop calling me now because she's mad that I threw away her things. I did it to save my dad $2100 a month in rent money. I threw them away because it was rubbish that she hoarded. But to her they are like precious stones. She won't understand because she thinks the world is mad and she is sane. She feels hurt, and I feel bad, but I would do that again if I had to. Because I will always be on my dad's side.

She might report me to da police tho.

Sadly, my mom is not like OP's dad. She will simply die or commit suicide if my dad left her. She has become so reliant on my dad, following him around and depending on him to do everything.

My poor dad just told me he will handle her (aka tolerate her shouting and abuse) and asked me to concentrate on my studies. My poor, poor dad... (´＿｀。)

reddit
reddit and imgur has so much cool content omg.
Sometimes I want to post them here but there's simply too much.

Well here's one.

Here are my favourite imgur posts for the.. week.

hammy
Meet my winter white! ^o^

Still don't know what names to give him

• taro
• mochi
• hamtard
• white privilege
• theodore (teddy)
• hammie

WHICH?! help!!

I stalked diligently PetsGantry's (the store I got derpy) site until they announced new winter white hamsters!! Then I went the next day right before class to buy him, and got him home first before rushing to school.


More picture spam of him HEUEHUEHUE

Labels: family, hamster, reddit

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