Friday, June 26
As some of my close friends may know, my family isn't exactly what you call normal. Whenever I tell an average person of my past, they will frown in dismay/disbelief, their face will scrunch up in disgust, they'll shake their heads, they'll cry out in agitation. Most people lead a carefree life, and most people don't get abused and they have loving, mentally stable parents.
However, lots of children don't have this privilege of having a happy childhood.
I consider myself strong. To be able to go through what I've been through and make it out okay.
Let me get straight to the point. Let's just say one of my parents has a disorder that is costing my family approximately $8400 a month. This fetish-disorder has been going on for ~10 years. Go calculate how much we have lost. Oh, wait, let me just tell you it's $1.008 million. I'll even skip the suffering, the abuse and the trauma my brother & I have been receiving from that family member. Because of this, I moved out.
And my stupid dad willingly pays for all this shit. I told my dad, stop it, it's your fucking money! My poor dad works day and night, he's old, very tired, and the money just goes POOF! And SHE can't even walk to a food centre just 3 minutes away to feed herself and expects him to come home from work to take her to lunch. He does everything for her. She does nothing, causes a billion times more harm than good. Yet, she abuses him, curses him to get struck by lightning.
I do not hate her - I can't. It's not her fault. It's her instability. My dad refuses to take her to the doctor to get her treated or divorce her. Says it'll affect her future - like she has one. OK, I understand love is a mysterious thing. But I can't accept it.
....
My school promised "Tell us of your problem. We'll help you!"
At first, I was extremely ashamed about my family.
But then I decided something had to be done about this. My friends told me to seek help as well.
I went to see the school counselor, and asked for help.
I said that I wanted her to help me put a stop to all this.
OK, she said, I'll contact the school to ask for permission to talk to your dad, then I'll talk to him and conduct a home visit. We should be able to get all of this done within a month.
Okay, I said.
Weeks later, she arranges an appointment with me. It's way past a month.
What she said:
"I have not contacted your father.
The school thinks that you should put this COMPLETELY out of your mind and concentrate on studying and establishing better relationships with your teachers and other students. I went to talk to your teachers and the level director and CCA and received negative feedback about you. You are rude to teachers and don't get along well with other students. There is something wrong with your attitude. You are only a MINOR, only a child. SO you have NO RIGHT to interfere with your parents' lives and decisions. You are not thinking the way a NORMAL 17 year teenager would think. There are other methods to solve this. Instead of worrying about the money, why don't you work hard and get a scholarship overseas, and then you don't need to see your parents? Anyways, its not like your parent's THAT unstable. I've seen worse cases. Who are you to interfere?"
...
....
Tell me. Is this how the school is helping me? Patronizing me? Acting like they know me and what I want?
My whole fucking family is TORN APART because of this. I don't get to see my brother and papa everyday anymore. The wastage of money is just a chunk of it.
Is it nice to go back to a home to be abused physically and emotionally, to get sworn at, to get beaten up, to make regular trips to the police station and report your very own parent? Is it nice to be only allowed to wash hair once/twice a week, bathe in ice cold water at 1am, eat dinner at 12am? Would you like to be beaten up the day before your biology end of year test? Beaten up when you're sick? Beaten up on your birthdays? Would you like to wake up in the middle of the night to find a cockroach scurryi
ng over your body? Would you like to sleep on a cockroach-ridden floor?
Fuck.
Should a counselor talk to me like this?
The school is trying to get me to FORGET and NOT CARE about what is happening to my parents? Oh, what right do I have to interfere with my OWN FAMILY?? Am I expected to study and socialize and leave it all behind? Do I leave this alone and let it solve by itself? Who are they to tell me to do that?
The first time I met the counselor, she said she'd help me, and arrange a home visit. After receiving negative feedback about me, she's gone back against her word and did not even call my father. OK, I can forgive that! BUT SHE SOUGHT ME OUT, AND LECTURED ME ABOUT MY RIGHTS TO CARE ABOUT MY OWN PARENTS AND CRITISIZED ME FOR MY PAST BEHAVIOUR!
Yes. Last year, I sent an abusive email to a member of my CCA. I think that I was very immature and stupid. I also was a bitch to my classmates. I also kept scoring demerit points and I wasn't on good temrs with many of my teachers. I spent 10 hours a day online and didn't want to talk to my friends. And I hate to say this, but sometimes I didn't bathe for days and I washed my hair once a week. But you know what? I REGRET ALL THIS.
You know what? Now, I work a little bit harder. I am nicer. I know I am more mature. I am anal about cleanliness. I don't even say fuck on a daily basis anymore. And I am definitely NOT friendless. Oh, and I have 85% less pimples.
Does anyone even know about how I worry about the future? My dad is 57 and is still working his ass off, DAY and NIGHT. Apart from that, he is like a maid to her. His health may fail any moment. What if he loses his job. We're not financially unstable now
, but what about the future. Family court says I can't do anything, only my dad can. I feel that life is very unfair to my dad and I want him to stand up for himself. But he's just a wimp.
I am wondering about the teachers the counselor talked to. There are some teachers whom I really really like. Did she talk to them? What did they say about me? Did they say bad stuff about me behind my back? I don't care if my level director/shirlene tieh bitch about me, cos they don't know me at all. But what about the teachers I genuinely like?
This experience has totally diminished my confidence in adults. And what little confidence I had in the school that once promised me they'd help me.
I'm very sorry for the grammar & spelling errors.
I'm very sorry if you read all this. If you did, don't bother treating me with sympathy, i hate that. Pretend you never read this and treat me normally.
OK, done ranting.
2 more months until I can style bangs.... :(
Labels: family
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