Sunday, March 7
a recount of half of what has been happening the past few days
start from the start.
night 0
You know I can't stand trash. Sometimes you'll see me picking up rubbish on the streets and binning them, and sometimes you'll see me clearing food trays from random tables. I can't understand how people can leave something so ugly on places they don't belong to. I try to keep my surroundings as clean and pretty as possible because.... clean and pretty places make me happier. lol
I throw my thrash into my plasticbag-bin, and in the night, she rummages through it and takes random garbage out and puts them at random places in the house.
So one day, I took them all back and threw them back into my bin, waited for her to leave the house and dumped all the rubbish into the huge trash can outside the house. Just to take out the garbage, I have to waste so much time and energy.
day 1 - before school
The next morning, I was going to school when she asked where the trash bag was (having failed to locate it).
I said, I threw it away of course. She said where. I said, I dunno. She asked 10 more times and I gave her the same answer.
Of course she started hurling vulgarities at me once again, saying i bought my things (food wrappers and broken hair bands?) with the family money so I have to tell her when I throw them away.
And then I got beaten up and scratched in the face. Got my school bag emptied. House keys confiscated. Had to clear myself and my bag up. Went to school looking normal (i hope). Took math lecture test, calculated max marks i could get (2/26) and was at the verge of breaking down.
While I was at school, she went to the guy who collects the trash and went to search the whole neighbourhood's trash JUST TO FIND MY TRASH BAG. And she took it back into the house.
I take out my trash, get beaten up, just to see it back in the house again. THIS IS MADNESS.
What's in my trash? Tissues, empty famous amos cookie bag, broken hairtie, etc. And she took it all back into the house.
Day 1 - after school (10pm)
When I came back from school, I couldn't get in because she took my keys. I banged the gate hard, I called my dad and my bro and her, please open the door, but no one answered the phone. So I climbed over the gate. Then I slid open the (apparently locked) glass door and it opened. (it's spoilt). Yeah, so I conveniently broke into my house because its security system sucks.
When I got home, she questioned me how I got in so I showed her. Of course, she flared up and started to take all my things away. She accused me of "spoiling the lock" which is bullshit because it was already spoilt.
She told me to say sorry so I said "Well, I'm sorry that our house is like this, so easily broken into!"
And then she said that I was so
jian (cheap). "I see your phone, you say sorry so many times just for a few CENTS. You are so cheap." Apparently, some of our customers didnt receive their charms so on behalf of the business i was apologising to them.
So I said "Yah, it's for our business what! They're our customers!"
"Business? You go to school for what? You are NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE ANY BUSINESS YOU UNDERSTAND? You are supposed to be studying! (likeIcan) How much you earn a month huh? You so rich, you go pay your own school fees!"
***
Then she saw how I didn't hang up my uniform and got angry at that too. Asked me to hang them and I said later because I was busy. (I don't see what's wrong with folding your uniform - why do i have to hang them? it's so troublesome to unhang them in the morning.)
She started screaming WHAT SCHOOL RULE IS THIS, DON'T LET YOU HANG UNIFORM? I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR FORM TEACHER HOW YOU NEVER HANG YOUR CLOTHES. WHICH CHEEBYE(=vagina) CHILD DOESN'T HANG HER CLOTHES YOU TELL ME.
(notice how she can make up so much crap just by seeing my uniform unhung.)
Then she hit me a few times. Slapped me across my cheek with my school blouse.
My bro said "Mummy, stop beating jiejie.."
Then she hit me really hard across my back, and said "I where got beat her? You want me to beat her, I hit her for you." Hit again.
***
And then she saw my cosmetics (NOT makeup - skincare products like pimple cream) and said WHY DO YOU NEED THESE? and she took them, and said YOU'RE JUST A STUDENT DON'T NEED ALL THESE. I'LL KEEP THEM AND RETURN THEM TO YOU WHEN YOU GO TO WORK. And then she also took my tissue box away.
I said "Why do you have to do this? What did they(cosmetics) do to you? Why do you have to take them away from me?"
She said "IT'S BECAUSE OF ALL THESE EVERYDAY YOU WAKE UP EARLY DISTURB THE FAMILY. AND YOU WASTE 2 HOURS ON THESE EVERYDAY"
(The above is complete bullshit. I hate pimples more than anything in the world, but if you honestly think i spend 2 hours a day applying pimple cream on them, you have issues just like her.)
I said "..What? I don't even use these in the morning! Even if you take them away I will still wake up at 6am in the morning! At most, i spend 5 minutes on these every day!"
***
And I can't rmb what happened but she told me "You're just a guest in the house, if you can't follow the rules, why don't you get out of the house now?"
Then I said "Then why don't you let me stay at janice's house?"
And while hitting me, she shouted "是谁生你的？妈妈还是janice的妈妈？You are NOT to stay with anyone you hear me? How can janice's mother tolerate you anyway? Look at all your habits. Who want to live with you? I want to see janice and her mother at the POLICE STATION! Ask them meet me there! (???)"
(My habits being turning on the aircon for the night because its 33degrees in here, throwing away my trash, using a blanket and other things normal people do.)
***
Then my dad came.
I felt so.. frustrated. So I shouted at him (in tears) "Papa CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE? Why do you always stand there watching? Can't you help me for once? Every day you see this happen, you see her shouting and beating me, I can't even study! Look at me now, I'm going to fail my math exam and it's still happening. Im gonna fail the year like this! Look at my things over here. They didnt do anything to her but she wants to take away everything!"
She screamed "I DID NOT! I JUST ASK YOU TO HANG YOUR CLOTHES. I am trying to DISCIPLINE you and teach you not to be so IRREGULAR! Papa, 她是我的孩子，我在教她，你不要插手！You just do whatever she says, you're like her SLAVE. That's why she's like that now." While this was happening she was hitting me repeatedly.
So I started screaming in pain and my dad came and tried to pull her away. She grabbed hold of my hair and yanked it damn hard.
(lucky i use sunsilk anti hairfall shampoo so only about 20 hairs came out.) Then for like a whole minute, my hair was being pulled and my dad was trying to ask her to let go of me. So.. my head hurts alot now. (She lifted me off the ground before just with my hair. that's how hard she pulls it.)
***
Finally she let go and I started crying alot cuz it hurt so damn much. Then I came to my senses, grabbed my phone and dialed 999.
Police: Hello how may i help you?
Me: I.. i dunno. -unable to speak- -lets police hear parents fighting and screaming in the background-
Police: Calm down. May I know your address?
Me: I .. I don't know my address. I don't know. I'm in Bt timah. I -
And then my mother saw me and grabbed the phone and cut the call.
I screamed - and that was the last thing the policeman heard.
(Like this, my phone was taken away.)
the police.. they suck. they don't care. they never tried to call back or locate me. what if i was gonna be raped or killed? wonder how the police in my country work.
***
And then my dad said "Xinni, pack up and go. Go out of the house now."
And my mum said "What about me? I need my dinner. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE, LET ME HAVE MY DINNER FIRST. AFTER THAT I WANT TO GO SEE DOCTOR. SEE MY ARM? SEE HOW PAPA BEAT ME? YOU STILL DARE CALL POLICE? I AM THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE CALLING THE POLICE. TAKE
ME TO THE POLICE STATION."
(My dad beat her? Hell, he was trying to stop
her from beating
me. Look at how she exaggerates everything. More on that later - it's near hilarious if it wasn't so serious.)
Whatever. So my dad took her out for dinner while I showered and packed up some things to leave. I didn't know what was gonna happen and where I would go. A friend of mine even gave me the address of a children's home/orphanage and I felt so damn, damn pathetic then. Like how did I come to this. How can a hwachong student go to an orphanage.
***
When my dad came back, I went with him to work. (He works in a
non descript tunnel late at night like 2am - 4am). At first, my dad wanted to bring my uniform but she came and took them away. Then she searched my bags and took alot of things out. But I managed to take some of my things out and I took them to the car and locked it.
Then he drove me to the tunnel he worked at. His car was parked at the side of the tunnel and i could see many cars whizzing at 100kmph past the stationary car I was in. It was so scary. He told me to sleep in there, so I made a makeshift bed and used my jacket as a blanket. I tried to sleep - but the most sleep i got was 10minutes. Because foreign workers (mostly Indian/Bangladesh) kept peering into the car at me sleeping. I felt so unsafe with the workers and the cars whizzing past.
Then finally my dad's work was over and he drove me back home. It was 5am then. I slept for maybe an hour. So in total, I only had 1-2 hours of sleep after crying and getting beaten.
I still made it to school, but at that time I was already so, so, so worn out.
day 2
Began to lose control of my thoughts. Kept thinking about going back home and running away. Lost myself at times and tears just came out because i felt so miserable and tired. Breaking down was becoming a more common thing already. Couldn't hide it anymore. Some people noticed. So so embarrassing.
Body was also wonky. First it's the pain. And then, lost so much water and forgot to drink it all back. So pee came out orangey-red. Like wtf, have you ever peed orangeyred pee? I haven't. It was so shocking. Not to mention my rashes. Fuck lah, i got so many scars now thanks to the rashes, and I dont even noe why they appear.
***
When I get home, she charges into the room, shoves her arm in my face and screams "你不是妈妈生的！ 不得好死！！ DO YOU KNOW HOW PAINFUL THIS IS? You think you're too young to be arrested? (..for?) I'm going to call your hwachong principal (for..?). You better take me to the police station and doctor and i'll tell them how you illtreat your own mother! 你活着干什么？最好去死！" blablabla. So used to all these already.
The bruise on her arm was completely self-inflicted. If she had let go of my hair, would my dad use so much force to get her to let go of me? Still say my dad beat her up.
***
Oh, and about exaggeration and mixed signals..
Her: Why you haven't taken me to see doctor? You know he beat me up, now my arm is SO WEAK i can't even lift my soup spoon! And he never feed me!
She says this while holding my box of cosmetics and hair accessories.
Me: Then you can still hold that box?
Her: YES, it's very light isn't it?
Me: Uh.. and that box is lighter than a soup spoon?
Her: NO, to hold a soup spoon you have to hold it at an ANGLE. (LOLOL BULLSHIT.)
1 hour later..
Her: YES, I can lift things, you JEALOUS?
***
On friday night, I slept in my dad's car again because I didn't want to go home. Or rather, I tried to sleep. The car was parked in a well lit carpark. People passing by and peering in wondering what a girl in school uniform is sleeping in a carpark. Got home at about 4.30am. She woke up, scolded me for no reason for 1.5hours. Slept at 6am.
Got back my phone; and because she was reading all my messages while I slept, I tried to lock my phone. Ended up locking myself out and disabling my phone card. So I had to go to the operator to replace it, wasting more time.
So now.. everything's just wrong. My home, my family, my body, my hair, my
studies. I haven't drawn a decent picture in months. Haven't gone out, caught a movie for ages. I'm slowly losing my friends because I am so emo and can't strike up a proper conversation. Can't do anything right. 20 homeworks undone. Busy. Tired. Miserable. Antisocial. When can I break out of this? When?
I am so emotionally drained. I try to do work, but I take 8 hours to do one math question because I am just so clueless. Here I am, trying to hard to be normal and to lead a normal life, but I suffer so much both physically and psychologically just for that. If someone offered me a ecstasy right now I would just take it. I guess I understand why people take drugs now. And I think, hey things can't get any worse now since it's so bad already! But it just gets worse. I just sink even deeper.
if you've read up to this point, i am sorry i let you go through so much emo rants. i should just get off now and stop wasting my time writing what happened to me in here..
Labels: family
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