Tuesday, March 9
bla
Wore my bro's jacket to school today.
Came home, started to change, so I put my clothes on some random box lying around for the time being. Then she came in and complained, why you wear bro's jacket today? Why didn't you tell me? I washed it, I maintain it you know? You say you don't want go ACS what. Why you still wear? SAY SORRY!
I was pissed because she starts picking on me the moment i come in. So I said "Why should I?" I mean yeah why? It's my bro's jacket. He got a new one, he giving me this one. I already asked him and he said yes. OK, I admit, she washed it. But still, must I tell her what I wear out? This kind of thing also want to make a huge fuss?
Of course, this led to her shouting and hurling death curses at me for ten full minutes. Then my dad came, told her to shut up. Then they were in another room shouting and fighting. The of course she became damn mad at me and she pushed me down and threw my things.
Then she took my fluffy barney jacket away. And. She said, well you don't respect my things, you don't ask permission, I should treat your things the same too! And then she took my undergarments and
wore one of them. The one I got from America!!!!!!!! T_T
Sick. Sick man. Feel so ... raped.
My dad's 60. I just found out he has high blood pressure. Every day, without fail, she will say "Papa will die very soon." "Wait till papa die you won't be able to go to school anymore" etc. I can do nothing but watch this go into his ears. I wonder if he takes it to heart. I feel so heartbroken and sad that she can say such cruel things to him. I can only tell him don't listen to her, you're not gonna die okay, and you got us. She's crazy, do something about it please. And then my dad is like a slave to her (and me sometimes coz he's like the only parent who can properly take care of me..) and please, he works 2am - 4am, chauffeurs the family around and has to deal with her (and my) shit.
It's partly my fault. Why cant i just pretend to accept her warped ideas? Why cant I apologize when she demands it? Why do I have to talk back? Me lor me lor. Ego and cannot stand people not making sense. My bro has already learnt to accept it, why can't I? Maybe I'm just new to all this. I have to learn my lesson.
My friends are trying to help me file a protection order against her, but if i do it, i feel that i will be leaving my bro and dad behind. And if she knew about it, she'll be so muthafuckin pissed she'll probably come find me and kill me. Then I'll be living my life in fear just like always. With or without PPO, still will live in fear. I don't know anymore. Have to go consult an adult.
A few of my friends are very concerned about me. Unknowingly I will just rant to them. Then I'll find out I'm being whiny and I'll stop. You know, I don't want to cause them to be unhappy because I am unhappy.
One of my friends said she feels so guilty being happy because I am like this now. But god, the last thing I wanna do is affect the mood of my friends. So I try not to talk to them about it.
Last year, it was always me listening to people's problems. Now it's like I'm the problem friend. I am the friend whom my friends can't make use of. I'm the friend who relies on other people. I just don't want to be that kind of friend. I don't want to put down people's feelings or make them help me too much T_T
Anyway to those who talked to me, called me, helped me, thank you. I am grateful.
Dogs
Lol anyways the class went to macritche for PE today. Then we saw four dogs.
Janice: OMG so cute
Me: OMG so cute
Janice: OMG I want to go over and pet them
Me: OMG lets......
Classmate: The dogs look delicious!
LOL.
grrr
I am so pissed off okay. I mean, yes I LOVE LOOKING AT LEGS AND AT LITTLE BOYS (from high school).
I like looking at legs because ........ i am awed at how some thighs can be same size as the bottom of the leg. And I like to stare at super skinny legs, for some reason they make me "0_0" (can't find words to describe). But no, when I look at them I have no intention of spreading them apart or doing whatever to them. I just look and go "0_0".
I like looking at little boys NOT because I want to jump them. It's because they remind me of animals. Little penguins. Little puppies. I love animals. Innocent, naive little creatures. What I once was. And they so short. Walk so funny like duck like that. Who don't want to look?
Then coz of this, people think i'm a creeper?!!!!!!!!!
And this idiot from my class shouted at my classmate (who was apparently doing chinups) that I was "turned on" by him!?!!! WTF?!!!! And I wasn't even looking at that classmate. Then people just laugh at me. Walao now I think he thinks I'm some pervert lah.
For some reason I cannot take this kind of joke. I want 100% of my rights to proclaim who I am attracted to!! I am not going to let anyone say it for me, OR fake it for me. So there~!! I dislike sexual jokes involving me and someone else! The end.
econs
Walao I don't know why damn it the econs teacher always picks on me. Maybe coz my computer screen is facing her. Sometimes she'll be repeating the same things on the answer sheet so I just go check movie showtimes on the computer. Then she'll say damn loud "Xinni please look in front."
OK that is completely my fault since I chose to look at the computer.
BUT ONE TIME I WAS TOTALLY NOT USING THE COMPUTER BUT DOING WORK AND SHE SAID 'Xinni please look in front." WALAO!!!
And then a few of my classmates were so disrespectful, they actually blatantly turned the monitors of the computers away from the teacher and she doesn't give a fuck about them!
Why me!!!!!
water droplet beatbox thingy
HEHEHHEE OMG I ALMOST MASTERED IT
I can make the sound by poking my cheeks (with a pen/finger) most of the time.
scanner
I FINALLY BOUGHT A CANON SCANNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
$20!!!!!! AND IT WORKS GREAT!
Of course I bought it secondhand lah, from some online guy. He was super nice. Walao why he so nice, i totally don't deserve it.
One week before I said "HI I want to buy your scanner"
Then according to his advertisement, he said "self collect at my place in pasir ris"
But I said, wah I can't travel so far.. are you going anywhere near town?
So for the next few days he was like travelling to newton/orchard etc and telling me when, but I all said I cannot make it. (Due to school/family problems..)
But he was still super nice about it.
Then one day he just came to near my house and delivered it to me. And I only paid him $20 for it.
Then afterwards still sms me say "First time deal with a girl, didn't expect it to be a pleasant experience : )" (He already has a son so he has no ulterior motives in saying this)
WALAO DAMN NICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! @_@ I feel so bad!!!!!!!!!!! I must draw lots of beautiful pics and make good use of the scanner.
I scanned some drawings I drew on my lecture notes.
Yes, I can still draw cute things even when I'm really depressed. I feel proud of that.
Yeah I'm trying to include some happier things in my posts from now on..
Labels: art, family
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