Saturday, October 23
Driving
First driving lesson on tuesday happy happy~
i'm sad again why??
Lol, I don't think anybody will read this cos it's a boring chunk of crap and I'm just some.. average teen with an average blog so I'm probably just talking to myself.
Gracechua isn't mad at me, the end. She said stuff to make me reflect. I certainly did. Y'know, I think I'll probably keep continuing doing dumb stuff so she better brace herself for more
misdemeanors of mine. Apparently I have a completely different code of conduct from others but I have to keep to theirs. Fine, I'll try to behave.
Anyway, I've had this problem for my whole life. Recently people have been mentioning it to me and it's coming back to haunt me again. I guess I left it alone for too long and I have to face it. But I do not know what to do.
I happen to be reaaaaally bad at body language.
I fuck up every first impression I give.
I promise you I have NEVER given anybody a good first impression my whole life :)
I have never gotten out of an interview feeling unshitty, too.
I cannot look people in the eye. I retreat from people.
--------------------------------------------*
REASONS
1. Gracechua says I don't trust people, hence I don't want them to see what
I'm thinking. ...Not quite. It's actually the opposite.
2. I don't want to face what
they are thinking.
3. Eyes medically certified weak.
4. I don't want them to read me wrongly. Usually I have no mean or evil thoughts but what if they think from my gaze I am hatin' at them because I have shitty eyes?!!
*--------------------------------------------
You probably realized it by now. I don't look at you when I talk to you unless I've known you for so long I trust you won't judge me. Or I just don't care.
If I've known you for very long and I still don't look you in the eye, you're 1) probably a critical person and I'm scared of your criticism, or 2) I care to keep you so much that I'm scared of finding out that you may actually hate me.
I cannot take criticism. People know that. My self esteem, it's already in the negatives. Lowering it more will only harm my emotions a lot. No one dares to criticize me, and I know that because no one has been doing it unless they are just blunt. I also find it hard to accept criticism, so people probably don't see the point and leave me to screw myself up.
And once you criticize me, it stays in my mind, for a very long time.. and I make myself believe it. You can't take it back because I will believe you are doing it just to unhurt my feelings.
When I listen to someone bitch, when I listen to someone criticizing others, or being mean to others, or telling others they are only pretending to be XXX's friend, I... I get really, very scared. I think, if they do this XXX, they WILL do this to me too. And.. everyday people do that. I get so scared. I don't understand how it will make you a better person if you do all that.
It's very easy to gain my trust but it's easier to lose it. You never really get it back when you lose it. I can trust someone new very much, but I never give myself away completely. I'm pretty private, but lol, I bet this is normal cos no one shows 100% of their true self right?
I always stop myself. Every time I want to open up, a bazillion questions pop in my head. Here.
Are they looking at my pimples? Is my fringe perfect? I screwed up cutting it yesterday. Are my spectacles in the perfect position such that they won't enhance the ugliness of my eyes? Maybe I should get contacts. How's the lighting - will it make my eyes look terrible? If I talk too much won't my spit fall onto them? Argh, my breath smells like sour milk, better cover mouth and not look. Will they find me irritating if I say this? Will they take offense if I say this? Is my pronunciation correct? What if they think my English sucks. I wonder if I look ugly from the side. I wonder if they disapprove of what I'm doing right now. Are my eyebrows too bushy - I should shape them gosh. Are my shoulders tense again? Are my legs fat? Shit, they think I'm ugly, I know it. Shit. I want to die now. What are they thinking now? Why are they looking at me?! WHY? STOP LOOKING... I wonder if I did something and if they hate me now and are just pretending just to entertain me I should leave now-
Why do you think I communicate so much better over text? I don't have to waste 99% of my brain capacity worrying about all this!
And when you are nice to me, you do stuff for me even though I have no @^$#*!^ idea why (which happens a lot -.-), I will start telling myself this. "This person is just friendly or plain kind and (s)he probably will do this for other people too. They aren't actually too concerned about you. Be nice to the people who are nice to you and move on" Then I will hide. I'm scared of developing any reliance on anybody because it's NEVER good to feed off someone for happiness. That person will only leave you eventually because they'll be bored of you. Then you will have nothing.
And my experience has actually proved all this
right.
When people leave me, I don't go looking for them.
My ego is way too high up above the scale, for that.
I'm so sorry.
I'm scared of people. I'm really frightened of crowds.
Their thoughts, their intentions, their rejections.
Sometimes I wish I had the world to myself and the animals.
That's why I want to have a farm when I grow up.
That's why I seek comfort in being with animals, especially cats.
They won't cast judgments on me.
This.. distrust, this hiding.. it cost me lots.
I lost .. so much.
*le
sigh*
I want to please everybody but I'm just so bad at it....
.
.
And,
How can you help me when I don't listen..?
Labels: MYSELF
◀ Previous posts
Newer posts ▶
