Thursday, June 26
TLDR; I am not a nice person, I can't be the best even though I want to be, and I feel miserable about that, even though comparatively I've got it pretty good. Behold my melodramatic whining
I spend a lot of time on work,
and whatever little time I have left forcing myself to draw. I accepted two jobs because I needed money, and now I don't even need it anymore. Everybody tells me to quit but I won't let myself. My bosses like my work and I hate to disappoint them.
I feel my social life slowly slipping away.
I don't contact anybody. I reject almost every person asking me out and I feel terrible about it. Some try five, six times and I feel worse each time I tell them that I'm busy. It's only a matter of time before they stop asking and give up on me and I deserve all of it because I'm not a good friend to anyone at all. I left a friend of five years after giving her many chances.
Other than that I feel bad for not talking to anyone I used to be close to - I don't even wish them happy birthday, something that
I require of friends who care about me!!! I see them having a great time with their other friends and think, why bother? Fuck me, right.
I don't think I hate drawing.
I actually feel like I improved and I love playing with colours and strokes. I got that feeling back and I love it - I actually have lots of fun painting --- !!!
It's just
my fear of not being liked tormenting me again.
I hate myself for this one thing:
That I judge my art based on the number of favourites and likes and comments it gets.
Take this piece- the first copic piece I did in a year that I forced myself to finish even though I hated her face right from the start.
It has 300 views. 150 faves.
It means half the people who looked at this faved it, and in my mind I know that's a good thing because the fave percentage for most pieces isn't that high (
yeah i'm a calculative cuntwaffle like that) especiallly for original characters ---
BUT I AM UPSET THAT THERE ARE SO FEW VIEWS.
I want faves, I want comments, I need more to validate my work. But do I give out any faves or comments? Nope. Well, rarely. If I truly like something I just save it in my private stash.
These people faving my art, telling me personally that it's cute and pretty and whatever, knowing I probably won't do the same for them - they are human beings. Every one of them.
And sometimes I get so obsessed to the point that
I see them as numbers going up... to feel validated... I am terrible like that and I wish I wasn't like this. I wish someone could talk me out of this and convince me to just enjoy art without comparing myself to others based on, what, fucking
favourites. Yeah. That would be great.
I will start an art FB page soon and maybe become more obsessed with getting likes idk
I got a booth at Fall Doujima,
So I have to start drawing stuff to sell soon.
It worries me... The local doujin community seems to be very tight knit.
I'm just some outsider. I don't understand them because I don't really like anime and they all do. I see them so often on my facebook wall because we have mutual friends. Talking about weird japanese things. Everywhere. I don't belong.
I just want them to go away.
At the same time, I want to be friends with them so I don't feel so left out of the art circle.
I don't know what I want.
I just hope people buy things from me.
I want to be a good UI designer and coder.
When I decided to not do art as a career, and code for a living, I regretted my choice and thought I'd never get good at it.
Well it changed ever since I... got some things I never thought I'd get. Like.. the top of the CS3240 cohort. The A for software engineering. The two coding jobs.
I felt like I could be very good at it.
But I don't know if I can handle art and code and be good at both of them.
I got to clear my mom's house
Father, brother, boyfriend and I went to our old house that is costing us $2700/month in rent to try to clear it.
- ITS FUCKING INCREDIBLE HOW ONE WOMAN CAN ACCUMULATE 6 ROOMS FULL OF TRASH
- THICK FUCKING PILES OF TRASH LIKE THE ONE ABOVE
- TIMES EIGHt HOUSES TOTAL.
- YET SHE ISN'T ABLE TO BUY FOOD FOR HERSELF
- LIKE HOW
I'm quite upset because it takes me so long to earn $1000, and my dad can just blow $2700 a month to rear cockroaches and silverfish in a semi detached private house in bukit timah one of the most expensive places in bloody singapore.
Death sends me into panic,
In the middle of the night
And i'm not able to sleep.
I sleep at 8am and that's fucked up.
I live so near school. I don't need a car.
But I miss my car.
I miss how easy it was to go anywhere.
I miss the expressways.
I miss my GPS.
How I could select the british woman's voice or the australian man's voice-
I feel so jealous of all the Business students who can drive to school in Mini Coopers.
I fear I may never drive again.
I have a crappy personality,
I bitch so much,
I'm jealous and competitive,
think only of myself.
i'm just not a nice person in general.
I touch my hair way too much.
I shouldn't be sad.
My grades... are fine. They're good. I've got a boyfriend who treats me too well...
I guess I'll keep those in mind, continue working on my skills and see how everything goes.
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