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Sunday, November 1
Guilt
My grandfather passed away this afternoon.

I didn't get to say goodbye. I was planning to go tomorrow, even on Thursday when my FYP submissions are finished. But then he passed away.

I feel more guilt than sadness. Back when he could still talk, he told me that I made him happy when I visited him and thanked me. Then he lost his ability to talk. My visits were infrequent, and after he lost his speech, I thought what was the point. Whenever I visited, he just stared at us blankly. Visiting made me uncomfortable. He was in pain. I didn't like to see that. I was too busy burying myself in my work.

Now the guilt is crushing me. I took a taxi to the hospital and on the way I cried. I felt even more guilty for focusing on my own regrets.

The funeral is from Monday to Wednesday, the most important day being Wednesday because it's the last chance to send him off. It is the day of my FYP report submission. I will have to get an extension for my FYP report submission. Have a Japanese listening exam on Tuesday too, which I'm pretty sure I'll flunk. I don't want to use my grandfather's death as an excuse not to go, so I will go.

My mom was very close to him. She was his favourite child. She even got her hoarding habits from him. Though he was a hoarder, he was kind. He would try to give me money every time I visited because my mom would tell him that we were poor and that my dad refused to give us money. (??)

He also begged me to be nice to my mom. My mom frequently called him to tell him that we were abusing her. (??) I told him that it was the other way round. He continued to plead with me to be nice to her because she is my mom.

Now I'll have to send my mom to a mental institute right after her own dad's death. Which I suppose isn't very kind. I'm feeling very conflicted about that. In fact it's crushing me even more, Perhaps I will wait a while longer. Have to ask the family counselor what I should do.

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