Tuesday, November 8
I don't know if anyone can identify with me, but I'm going to ramble about something about myself I wish I could fix.
I'm never happy.
I have high expectations, but low confidence in myself. I get stressed and anxious before important events, like job interviews, final presentations and exams. To the point of getting panic attacks (hyperventilation, insomnia, vomiting, exhaustion etc).
Everything I do these days seems forced. I can only be productive in the face of deadlines. I force myself to work to the point of burning out and right before the important moment, I don't have the energy to continue.
I feel like I am working hard, but have accomplished nothing at all.
Recent example - my art.
Lately, I've been feeling inadequate and down about my art.
I love making merch for people. I draw to make people happy. When people buy and use my work, I feel like a piece of me is
with them and I'm happy. The feeling when I finish a piece of art cannot
be compared to anything else.
I procrastinated and started preparing for AFA pretty late. So, I turned down ALL invites to hang out, and locked myself at home to draw as much as possible. But every
missed deadline I set for myself makes me feel like a failure. I'm burned out now and feel the need to rant.
Just recently, I posted one of my merchandise (above) on a group chat for feedback. One person in the chat
commented that my art always felt commercial and lifeless to him. This hurt a lot. This is the same person who, two years ago, complained that I always draw the same thing and I should draw different things. He continued to tell me what I should be doing as an artist.
I didn't bother to justify my motivations, and I'm glad I didn't. Logically, I KNOW it's stupid to listen to what a non-artist tell me I should do.
But his words still ring in my ears every day and affects me. It still stings that he said it in front of 20 people and
not one friend defended me .__.
But anyway, I decided to reflect on why he said that, and take away something good from his words.
I'll remind myself to draw more things I like in the future without thinking about whether it is sellable.
For now, I'm concentrating on the event, and I'll draw for people, not myself. I'll start early next time.
- Getting my art stolen then ignored
I designed a very popular character for a non-profit student organization, let's call them Cat Club. Cat Club
printed and sold my work without my knowledge. They created their own substandard versions of my designs and sold them as well. Without my knowledge.
After I repeatedly called for change, finally they sent one person to talk to me about it. I told them I want to help design things for our main beneficiaries. Because they love it, and
I would do this for free, if it made people happy.
So they set up a chat group to "discuss" things with me. Well, the chat group's main purpose eventually was to ask me permission and approval for things. When I put up new original designs,
they were promptly ignored.
Angry that all my efforts to collaborate with them fell on deaf ears, I quit the group and heavily considered sueing the hell out of everything. Luckily, one of the members of the groups spoke to me and took over the communications; she has since kept me updated on things.
Honestly...
I wish my art was good enough to not be insulted or ignored.
I wish I was
more well-known for my art.
I would not have to rely on event deadlines and stress myself out, I can put anything up online and it would get tons of likes (which equals human approval that I unhealthily rely on) and sales.
I wish I had more time for drawing.
I don't want to abandon it for my career ever again. I haven't drawn properly for a year. When I stop practicing, it's hard to regain the passion and flow and I have to force myself. But afterwards, it's always worth it.
* * *
Back to my constant feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness: even when I achieve something I've always dreamt of, I'll be happy for 1-2 days.
And then I'm back to the "not-good-enough" state again. No matter what. I feel guilty when I'm not working. It's as if meeting a high expectation of mine is "normal", and failing is "depressing".
Does anybody feel this way too? Why can't I let myself enjoy my break?
If you read all the way... thank you for listening to my whining.
Labels: MYSELF, personal
◀ Previous posts
Newer posts ▶
