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Wednesday, December 20
end of year! 2017
Sorry for the long delay ;_; I hope people still read this. I'm making it a 2018 goal to update this blog design and post more often.

In singapore!
I get to work from Singapore for 2 weeks and couldn't be happier back here! I got to catch up with my best friends. It feels like I never left. I'm living with my SO's family, and my SO's mom is spoiling me with food :)


family update
I also met with some members of my family.

It started with me visiting my grandma. I felt bad that my grandpa passed away while I was too busy studying for university to visit him. I know I don't have many chances to see my grandma, with me being abroad. Anyway, they invited me for dinner with my grandma + aunt  + uncle who I barely interact with. And it was a nice dinner!


My grandma has this photo of 6 year old me?!! 

Anyway they kept asking how come my parents don't know I'm back in SG, so I felt bad and emailed my dad to tell him I'm in SG. (Obvs not telling my mom) 

So I brought my dad and bro to Google SG for lunch.

My dad has aged considerably. He has hypertension and diabetes, and a chipped tooth. He's not seeking treatment for any of this. He's 67 - so, old and sick - but still has to work to support my mom whose hoarding has gotten worse and is bleeding him out. 

I've always told my dad "Just ditch mom, rent out your two houses and you can retire. Why don't you do it?" but I guess he just can't go against my mom. I asked him to think about the end state, as cruel as that sounds. When he's aged and can't take care of my mom anymore, we (the children) sure as hell ain't gonna take my mom in. She's going to a home. And he knows that.

He says he just wants us to be happy and successful. I told him not to worry about us. We just want him to take care of himself, and think about himself for once.

I used to resent my dad for letting my mom get her way, and not stopping her from abusing us. But he did recognize that living with mom was harming us, and he supported us financially to live elsewhere. While he singlehandedly took on her abuse after we left.

It was him doing his best. 

I thanked him for doing his best for us, and that it was appreciated. He brightened up when he heard those words. 

To be honest, I'm worried and deeply saddened to see him like this.
But me and my bro are in a good place, and at least my dad can be happy about that.

EOY festival 終わった
After AFA flooped I had to change a lot of plans. I inconvenienced my team and lost USD$900 to change my flight :( Each time I had to thank someone for being understanding, my dignity chipped away. "If you hadn't failed, you wouldn't have caused so much trouble. You wouldn't have lost money." Drawing stuff was difficult with my self esteem at rock bottom. I was crying myself to sleep on some nights.


I managed to put up some work I feel proud of. I had customers from last year who remembered me, messaged me and visited me! ;_; Many of my friends came (and my prof too LOL) to support me. Thankful to friends who care about things I worked hard on...!

I'm going to take a step back to see where I want to be with art. If I continue with my mindset, I will destroy my passion.

In 2018, I want to
Most importantly, I no longer want to use conventions to force myself to draw. I have to trust myself, that I will draw, even without deadlines. I will rely less on discipline, and be open to inspiration and motivation!  

I also got to experiment with fairy lights. Display design makes me happy!

First year of work is over

This year has been full of firsts!
I learnt so much. And I love working at YouTube. I stumbled a lot at the start, but I really have grown a lot. Not just as a designer, but being at Google teaches me to be a better person everyday.

I'm blessed to be surrounded by team members who prioritize supporting me and helping me grow. I feel happy to be working on high impact projects.

Two of my cool amazing coworkers, Michael and Arman. 
We were making YouTube stickers! (This is not our main job.)

I love my job. I feel so lucky to be able to say that. I feel proud of it, and undeserving at the same time. But I will treasure this very much.

More positive stuff
I spoke with my therapist about my anxiety and self esteem issues. To be honest, I really was hoping she would just prescribe me some medicine that would make my problems go away :( But she didn't. Instead, she encouraged me to practice positive thinking.

I'm grateful for my cat sesame.

One way to do this is to think about what I've accomplished and to express gratitude.
You can see I'm trying to do this in this blog post, and I'll do more of this in future posts!!

I've thought of some things I'm proud of that I want to write about 
So prepare for some bragging and shit

Ending this post with usual selfie #nofilter

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