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Friday, January 12
ranty rant
I've been meaning to write a post about being down about yourself and feeling pressured by the need to "make it". I found this sitting in my drafts from 2015, which is convenient. I was too scared to post it.

I was writing what I felt 3 years ago. I'm not sure if you will find it relatable, but I still relate to it now despite people telling me I'm "living the dream" in Silicon Valley. I'm still struggling to get better at things. I'm still struggling to see myself as anything but a "lousy derpfuck".

No matter where you are in life, if you feel like shit about yourself, you'll feel like it's never enough, no matter what you achieve. I'm still processing my feelings, and I will post here if I've made any progress!!

Here's what I wrote 3 years ago:

I'm stressing out about doing something useful next summer. NEXT SUMMER, that's like a year later. I'd be 23 holy shYTE. 

This summer, I just wanted a low skill retail part time job that paid $7/hour, but instead I went to do two coding jobs, which is cool and I learnt a lot.

Anyway, seeing people I know go to Silicon Valley for internships makes me internally anxious. I feel like I need to go for one next summer, else I'd be seen as a lousy derpfuck.

So I'm doing some research right now. There exists this document written by the most enthusiastic programmers in my school. It's called Notes to Computer Science Freshmen, From The Future.

Basically it's a fucking huge info dump linking you to all sorts of LONG AS FUCK coding articles, blog posts and books that you SHOULD read and what you SHOULD do to become a great programmer.

It's meant to help you but it makes me feel lousy. I feel like I can't beat these guys when it comes to enthusiasm.

I often see the word "passion" appearing alongside "programmer". Out of all the degrees/careers, only Computer Science exhibits this phenomenon. I don't just hear about passionate programmers, I see them everyday on my news feed and in school. People debate on what's the best programming IDE on facebook statuses. When I am doing my coding work my "passionate" friends look over my shoulder, really interested in finding out what I'm trying to do. I know some friends with coding blogs and side projects.

You see people running code blogs.
You don't see surgeons blogging about surgery methods.

The phrase "passionate programmer" is really common.
Have you heard the phrase "passionate biochemical engineer"?

When you apply for a job, your employees want to see your passion for programming.
Do law firms look for graduates who have passion for corporate law?!

How am I going to compete with these "passionate programmer" coursemates of mine? What if I want the job, as a job, but not because it's my passion? Will I not get it?

I want a career in interface and user experience design.
My relationship with it so far is: 
But I don't think I am "passionate". 

I don't own a design blog, I don't write facebook statuses on technology or my work, and I don't read books about it, and I barely have any side projects because of schoolwork and art. And because of that, I don't feel good enough about my work.

My passion lies with art. Nothing can replicate the happiness I feel when I finish painting something. Nothing beats making people smile with it. But I know I simply cannot turn it into a permanent career. And because of that, I don't feel good enough about my passion.

I choose art as a passion, and coding for a profession.
I am worried that I would disappoint myself.

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