Thursday, March 22
Between me and my therapist
"I'm trying so hard. I'm trying so hard but I don't feel fulfilled. I'm never satisfied."
"You're spreading yourself too thin."
"I know that. But I don't know what to do. I want to be successful at so many things."
"You have to give something up."
"I can't give anything up. I wanna do all of them. I want to do well at my job, I want to keep doing artist alleys and have an art store and launch a webcomic and be known on all the social media, also I haven't coded in a while I need to start coding again-"
"You're burnt out
. Do you know what happens when people burn out? Their work loses quality.
If you can't focus or be present on one thing, you can't do it well."
"I want to do all of them. I'll... I'll find a way."
Every day after work, I feel utterly exhausted.
I try to work on my goals, but end up watching TV because I just can't
Every second I'm not working, even hanging out with friends, makes me feel bad and guilty. And incompetent.
Art should be a hobby I love.
I never wanted to turn it into work. That was my biggest fear. I'm destroying the thing I love because I turn everything into work.
This is because I'm so focused on successful outcomes
. I've always drawn because it's what made people praise and recognize me. It helped me connect with people in my difficult days. It is such a huge part of my identity and I will always seek external validation
for it. I don't believe art has value if no one cares, so I literally can't enjoy the process unless I think people will like it.
I'm all about successful results. Optimizing my time. I'm turning myself into a product. Quantifying my success in likes, follows, views, acceptances into conventions.
I'm more aware and critical of my shortcomings,
and every rejection confirms them. I will never be "successful" like the great artists I envy, which turns me off from my work even more.
Logically, I know all this is bad for me.
If I could just remember the great times I had with art. How I made genuine connections through this journey. How I once believed I was invincible and good at this. I want to believe that my art has some value even if it doesn't get 54000 likes. I'm not close to giving up, but I really want to remember being happy with art again.
Not giving up
I've been thinking a lot about my last post.
Remember how I said literally no one I know keeps a blog and a tagboard anymore?
And I wonder WHY HAVEN'T I MOVED ON FROM THINGS?
Why am I still blogging, even though I clearly suck at being consistent?
Everybody's shifted to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I have to keep up with those too, especially when I'm overseas now.
A blog requires so much effort to maintain. I don't know how many people still read it and if my time is better spent elsewhere.
I still don't want to stop blogging.
This is the realest I can ever be.
Everything on Facebook and Instagram is so carefully curated. And I still need this blog because there are thoughts I can't compress in a 140 char tweet.
My blog, and you readers, were there for me during a tough time, so even though I don't know how many are remaining I don't want to disappear on you. I have a great support network IRL, but I can't bear to abandon this place because it was once my only place I could go!!
Why am I still drawing, even though it makes me miserable?
Like I said, art is a huge part of my identity. Yet, I have so much baggage and low self esteem.
But there are people out there I have once inspired. People out there who still like my work.
There are so many cool things I've yet to create.
And for that I'm not giving up. ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
Would life have been better if I gave up more things?
I don't know. I still have a passion for writing, drawing, designing and coding. Deep down I know I can only master one, but FUCK I WANT TO DO IT ALL.
I'm a frickin' PASSION HOARDER :(
OK, so this is a summary on what I'm trying to work on.
🔴 1. MY JOB
My job is rewarding, but working at Google requires me to think really hard
!!!! Whatever I come up with affects millions of people and also I have meetings and talking to people makes me tired. I AM ALSO STRESSED BECAUSE PEOPLE HERE ARE SO SMART AND TALENtED AND I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE ONE OF THEM TO FIT IN
MY JOB WILL ALWAYS BE MY TOP PRIORITY.
I NEVER WANT TO SUCK AT IT.
I have grand plans to be a director of design and have my own company
and I'm working towards it.
I just want to make stuff great for people who use YouTube *ahem* This literally means the same thing as "I just want to do job". People get it already Musho.
🔴 2. MY WEBCOMIC
I HAVE BEEN POURING MY HEART AND SOUL
Lots of sleepless nights thinking about it since last year.
I love technology.
I love storytelling.
I love art.
WHAT DO U GET?
I want to launch a webcomic and post it up on Webtoon, Tapastic, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, Imgur, Discord, Instagram etc. WEEKLY.
I just finished my first episode and it took me weeks
I will need to be fast. I will need to be consistent.
I have so much feelings and I hope these feelings will drive me.
My plan is to draw 5 episodes
, dump them in a Google Form and survey people to get their feedback.
I will probably post a link to the form here, so PLEASE READ IT AND GIVE ME YOUR THOUGHTS IT REALLY MEANS THE WORLD TO ME TO HAVE YOUR SUPPORT. This is really big to me
(even though I haven't launched it yet) and I really hope to get it out soon T_T
🔴 3. ART, ANIME CONVENTIONS, ONLINE STORE
I started an online store
to sell my merch and artwork
I've gotten some sales and all 5 star reviews so far :)
It makes me super happy when people post them up and tell me how delighted they are when they get them.
I haven't drawn any new designs but I will soon because I have Anime Expo in Los Angeles in July
I've also put in my best effort to grow my social media following.
So I post my art on 10+ different surfaces now. Including facebook, instagram, twitter, pinterest, G+, reddit, discord, ameba etc.
With my personal, art, and upcoming webcomic,
I WILL BE MANAGING 30+ SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS.
So you can understand what my therapist is telling me.
Obviously, I'm working on how I can possibly handle all of this. I'm already burning out, and I fear everything I put out is shit.
If I have to give up something, it'll probably be my art. Or my webcomic, whichever is more of a failure.
But please, wish me luck.
I will return with a more positive post (hopefully) next time!
Im literally going to take photos in my album and comment mindlessly. Let me know what you think because sometimes I take too long to think of posts and end up not updating
I drew this at work. I'm proud to spread my weeb
I got a Nintendo Switch and I'm playing Kirby Star Allies with my bf. This is an awesome game and I highly recommend. I feel so overpowered in this game. So relaxing and enjoyable. AND I LOVE GAMING ON a GIANT CURVED OLED TV WITH A ROBUST SOUND SYSTEM
I had a marshmallow rose lavender scent customized. I'm now obsessed with indie gourmand scents and already have scents that make me smell like Rose shortcake, Waffle cones and Green Tea Lattes. I LOVE THIS WORLD I DISCOVERED
Cat got fat but I love this derp
I made a drawing. I've been putting a lot of work into my Instagram
because I heard it's the best place to get discovered now :/
I'm actually using the first one as my LinkedIn profile photo
Fucking send help I need to stop buying eyeshadows
I saw fluffy snow during a recent company ski trip
I made a font for said webcomic
There are corgis at YouTube, be jealous
Smartifying my home, I even got a light bulb that turns on and off with voice commands #livingtruetechielife
Labels: anxiety, art, burnout, busy, cat, life, MYSELF, Selfies, webcomic, work
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