<body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener('load', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <div id="navbar-iframe-container"></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://apis.google.com/js/plusone.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> gapi.load("gapi.iframes:gapi.iframes.style.bubble", function() { if (gapi.iframes && gapi.iframes.getContext) { gapi.iframes.getContext().openChild({ url: 'https://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID\x3d537362980959146402\x26blogName\x3da\x26publishMode\x3dPUBLISH_MODE_BLOGSPOT\x26navbarType\x3dBLUE\x26layoutType\x3dCLASSIC\x26searchRoot\x3dhttp://mushopea.blogspot.com/search\x26blogLocale\x3den\x26v\x3d2\x26homepageUrl\x3dhttp://mushopea.blogspot.com/\x26vt\x3d-8576693900223540458', where: document.getElementById("navbar-iframe-container"), id: "navbar-iframe" }); } }); </script>
Image 01 Image 02

Monday, February 19
i want a new blog layout
last blog standing
10 years ago, blogs were all the rage. Everybody had one...

Now people (including me) have switched to social media. I'm the only person I know who still has a TAGBOARD. I don't know if old readers are checking this page anymore, and my lack of posts don't really help with that

I still like blogs. You bother to physically come to this page and read my long rants. I like taking control of the layouts, formats and the way I tell my stories. It's the one place I feel like I'm talking to people who care about me. 🌷

I have so many things to write about. Lots of positive things, too. But I only think about posting here when I have something to complain about. It's probably because this blog used to be my safe space for my kind-of-private thoughts - usually negative thoughts. I'm working to put in more positive things.

I'm sure I have much fewer readers than before, but seeing posts on my tagboard makes me ultra happy. Thank you!

new blog layout
I'm not giving up yet. I'm planning a new blog layout! Yeah yeah I've been talking about it, but it's high on my priority list now okay! Which could be why I don't feel like posting as much. Seeing this blog layout I designed 10 years ago makes me!!

My goal is...
People who care about me can be updated about my life with minimal effort

So, what do you think of these improvements?

If there is anything else you think I can improve on, let me know!!

Labels: , ,

Friday, January 12
ranty rant
I've been meaning to write a post about being down about yourself and feeling pressured by the need to "make it". I found this sitting in my drafts from 2015, which is convenient. I was too scared to post it.

I was writing what I felt 3 years ago. I'm not sure if you will find it relatable, but I still relate to it now despite people telling me I'm "living the dream" in Silicon Valley. I'm still struggling to get better at things. I'm still struggling to see myself as anything but a "lousy derpfuck".

No matter where you are in life, if you feel like shit about yourself, you'll feel like it's never enough, no matter what you achieve. I'm still processing my feelings, and I will post here if I've made any progress!!

Here's what I wrote 3 years ago:

I'm stressing out about doing something useful next summer. NEXT SUMMER, that's like a year later. I'd be 23 holy shYTE. 

This summer, I just wanted a low skill retail part time job that paid $7/hour, but instead I went to do two coding jobs, which is cool and I learnt a lot.

Anyway, seeing people I know go to Silicon Valley for internships makes me internally anxious. I feel like I need to go for one next summer, else I'd be seen as a lousy derpfuck.

So I'm doing some research right now. There exists this document written by the most enthusiastic programmers in my school. It's called Notes to Computer Science Freshmen, From The Future.

Basically it's a fucking huge info dump linking you to all sorts of LONG AS FUCK coding articles, blog posts and books that you SHOULD read and what you SHOULD do to become a great programmer.

It's meant to help you but it makes me feel lousy. I feel like I can't beat these guys when it comes to enthusiasm.

I often see the word "passion" appearing alongside "programmer". Out of all the degrees/careers, only Computer Science exhibits this phenomenon. I don't just hear about passionate programmers, I see them everyday on my news feed and in school. People debate on what's the best programming IDE on facebook statuses. When I am doing my coding work my "passionate" friends look over my shoulder, really interested in finding out what I'm trying to do. I know some friends with coding blogs and side projects.

You see people running code blogs.
You don't see surgeons blogging about surgery methods.

The phrase "passionate programmer" is really common.
Have you heard the phrase "passionate biochemical engineer"?

When you apply for a job, your employees want to see your passion for programming.
Do law firms look for graduates who have passion for corporate law?!

How am I going to compete with these "passionate programmer" coursemates of mine? What if I want the job, as a job, but not because it's my passion? Will I not get it?

I want a career in interface and user experience design.
My relationship with it so far is: 
But I don't think I am "passionate". 

I don't own a design blog, I don't write facebook statuses on technology or my work, and I don't read books about it, and I barely have any side projects because of schoolwork and art. And because of that, I don't feel good enough about my work.

My passion lies with art. Nothing can replicate the happiness I feel when I finish painting something. Nothing beats making people smile with it. But I know I simply cannot turn it into a permanent career. And because of that, I don't feel good enough about my passion.

I choose art as a passion, and coding for a profession.
I am worried that I would disappoint myself.

Wednesday, December 20
end of year! 2017
Sorry for the long delay ;_; I hope people still read this. I'm making it a 2018 goal to update this blog design and post more often.

In singapore!
I get to work from Singapore for 2 weeks and couldn't be happier back here! I got to catch up with my best friends. It feels like I never left. I'm living with my SO's family, and my SO's mom is spoiling me with food :)


family update
I also met with some members of my family.

It started with me visiting my grandma. I felt bad that my grandpa passed away while I was too busy studying for university to visit him. I know I don't have many chances to see my grandma, with me being abroad. Anyway, they invited me for dinner with my grandma + aunt  + uncle who I barely interact with. And it was a nice dinner!


My grandma has this photo of 6 year old me?!! 

Anyway they kept asking how come my parents don't know I'm back in SG, so I felt bad and emailed my dad to tell him I'm in SG. (Obvs not telling my mom) 

So I brought my dad and bro to Google SG for lunch.

My dad has aged considerably. He has hypertension and diabetes, and a chipped tooth. He's not seeking treatment for any of this. He's 67 - so, old and sick - but still has to work to support my mom whose hoarding has gotten worse and is bleeding him out. 

I've always told my dad "Just ditch mom, rent out your two houses and you can retire. Why don't you do it?" but I guess he just can't go against my mom. I asked him to think about the end state, as cruel as that sounds. When he's aged and can't take care of my mom anymore, we (the children) sure as hell ain't gonna take my mom in. She's going to a home. And he knows that.

He says he just wants us to be happy and successful. I told him not to worry about us. We just want him to take care of himself, and think about himself for once.

I used to resent my dad for letting my mom get her way, and not stopping her from abusing us. But he did recognize that living with mom was harming us, and he supported us financially to live elsewhere. While he singlehandedly took on her abuse after we left.

It was him doing his best. 

I thanked him for doing his best for us, and that it was appreciated. He brightened up when he heard those words. 

To be honest, I'm worried and deeply saddened to see him like this.
But me and my bro are in a good place, and at least my dad can be happy about that.

EOY festival 終わった
After AFA flooped I had to change a lot of plans. I inconvenienced my team and lost USD$900 to change my flight :( Each time I had to thank someone for being understanding, my dignity chipped away. "If you hadn't failed, you wouldn't have caused so much trouble. You wouldn't have lost money." Drawing stuff was difficult with my self esteem at rock bottom. I was crying myself to sleep on some nights.


I managed to put up some work I feel proud of. I had customers from last year who remembered me, messaged me and visited me! ;_; Many of my friends came (and my prof too LOL) to support me. Thankful to friends who care about things I worked hard on...!

I'm going to take a step back to see where I want to be with art. If I continue with my mindset, I will destroy my passion.

In 2018, I want to
Most importantly, I no longer want to use conventions to force myself to draw. I have to trust myself, that I will draw, even without deadlines. I will rely less on discipline, and be open to inspiration and motivation!  

I also got to experiment with fairy lights. Display design makes me happy!

First year of work is over

This year has been full of firsts!
I learnt so much. And I love working at YouTube. I stumbled a lot at the start, but I really have grown a lot. Not just as a designer, but being at Google teaches me to be a better person everyday.

I'm blessed to be surrounded by team members who prioritize supporting me and helping me grow. I feel happy to be working on high impact projects.

Two of my cool amazing coworkers, Michael and Arman. 
We were making YouTube stickers! (This is not our main job.)

I love my job. I feel so lucky to be able to say that. I feel proud of it, and undeserving at the same time. But I will treasure this very much.

More positive stuff
I spoke with my therapist about my anxiety and self esteem issues. To be honest, I really was hoping she would just prescribe me some medicine that would make my problems go away :( But she didn't. Instead, she encouraged me to practice positive thinking.

I'm grateful for my cat sesame.

One way to do this is to think about what I've accomplished and to express gratitude.
You can see I'm trying to do this in this blog post, and I'll do more of this in future posts!!

I've thought of some things I'm proud of that I want to write about 
So prepare for some bragging and shit

Ending this post with usual selfie #nofilter

Labels: , , , , ,

Wednesday, October 11
bad but it will get better
didnt get AFA
I didn't get into AFA (the convention I've been boothing at the past 3 years). Feeling really heartbroken and sad, because it's so important to me and it ties me back to Singapore. I already bought my flight tickets to Singapore and I'm not sure what's next for me...

Long term, I'm afraid there is no longer a place for me back home as an artist. If I'm not good enough to get into the conventions in SG, maybe I should remain in the US. That thought scares me so much. I miss Singapore and I want to return :( I think I'll still fly back in November but the thought of seeing my friends who made it at AFA hurts my heart.

I'm always feeling not good enough. Every rejection I've ever received floats up to my brain to plague me constantly. Why am I so hard on myself? I would never think that way of my friends.

Feeling the urge to break down and my heart sinks when I think about it. I panic bad. I will get that sorted out with my therapist (i'm really lucky to have one 10/10 they are a DIFFERENT BREED from crappy school counselors)


On the bright side, this will give me more time to complete my merchandise series. My latest stuff:

I'll get better emotionally and art-wise. It'll just be a very long journey. Hopefully I can continue drawing the things I love like rainbows and cactus corgis and ribbon cats and watermelon hair ties

I need to look for other forms of validation. As a creator, that's so important to me.

My refreshing/clicking skills also got me a booth at Anime Expo (AX), the largest anime convention in USA!!